Be It Ever So Humble
by


for: rufus
This was written for the April Snupin Fantasy Fest

Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Severus/Remus, Moody/McGonagall hinted at
Word Count: approximately 6,000
Warnings: voyeurism, wanking, frottage, creaky old man sex, one non-con moment of voluntary incontinence

story prompt: Post-War; Ministry has forced them to retire to the same Wizarding Rest Home (HP and DM presence a +); slow burn (reluctant alliance) +snarky romance, realistic cranky old men sex (any rating); arts/crafts, therapy animals, humor! both have a spine.

I couldn't manage the therapy animals (although rufus informed me my use of animagi counted in her book) and I'm not sure of the slow burn and snarkiness, but I think I managed the rest.

In the HP-verse, witches and wizards live nearly twice as long as Muggles.  I always figured the women remain able to bear children until they're 80, and that a wizard that is, say, 90, has the capacity of a Muggle age 45.  A wizard at 150 (like Dumbledore) has the capacity of a Muggle of 75.  Since Muggles of 75 still have an active interest in and most of the capability of having sex, I didn't think it was unlikely.  :)  Btw, with this way of looking at it, a Wizard of 40 (like Snape at end of the books) has the capacity of a 20 year old.  So, he's *not* too old for any of his potential partners.




Author's notes: Sorry this one hit the deadline, but I started a fic using the prompts and was well underway with it when I came to realize it was far more angst than humour and that wasn't what was requested, so I shelved it and started an entirely new and different story. I didn't cannibalize what I'd already written, so I might finish that other one sometime and post it as a stand-alone. It's a lot less tongue-in-cheek.

Snape's character in this one is courtesy of my own consideration of my more taciturn relatives and how they became as they aged - to a person, they all got looser tongues, became far less rigid and a lot more outspoken. Lupin's condition is very real. Lack of verbal inhibition and socially inappropriate speech is common in people with neurological disorders & stroke victims.

Keeping in mind I personally feel since wizards and witches live to 150 or so, that a witch or wizard of 100 years is usually equivalent to a Muggle of 50, I got around this by clarifying that the poor boys have been through so much in their time that it has prematurely aged them.

Underscores _ denote thoughts

As always, huge thanks to the maintainers of the HP Lexicon:
http://www.hp-lexicon.org/index-2-text.html


DISCLAIMER: The HP sandbox belongs to JK Rowling. Some of us just like to play in it from time to time.



28 February 2050


Welcome to Hogsmeade Wizarding Care Facility (HWCF)

About HWCF

HWCF is a fully certified twelve bed, four bungalow facility for handicapped and/or ill or senior witches and wizards. It is not seniors only. Admission to HWCF is through placement by St. Mungo's outplacement evaluation counselour only. No exceptions.




"What is going through what passes for your mind, Potter?"

"Excuse me?" Harry gripped the hand of his godson a bit tighter as he turned to face the familiar voice in Diagon Alley.

"My godfather has gone through enough and now you've brought that bloody werewolf charity case of yours to his care facility! Lupin couldn't afford a decent rest home unless he sold himself in Knockturn Alley and--" that was all Troy Weasley heard before his godfather waved his wand over his head. He could see the two men shouting at each other, but could not hear anything at all. It was interesting, but not as interesting as the display in Madam Mysteria's window.

There were stuffed purple dragons that really flew and belched smoke. There were bags of tin soldiers that would take orders like advance, retreat and shoot. There were Muggle marbles that didn't look very interesting, but were very, very pretty.

When he turned back his godfather's mouth was tightly pressed together and he was watching the tall, blonde man walking away. Then his godfather shrugged and waved the wand over his head.

"Don't worry, Troy. The man just wanted a word with me."

"What's a charity case, Uncle Harry?"

"That means if I take on a charity case, I help pay for their things."

"Oh." Troy licked his Everlasting lolly and considered this. "You pay for my things. Am I a charity case?"

"No, Troy. You are my godson. Your dad and mum are my best friends."

"What's Knockturn Alley?"

"Nowhere I want you to go," muttered Harry, before taking his hand up and moving them past Madam Mysteria's. "Let's go see what your Uncle Fred and George are up to."



Rules & Regulations

Visitor's Hours are between 9a - 9p. Special permission must be requested for after hours guests.



The tabby cat trotted silently down the alley until it reached the redwood picket fence. There it sat and waited and soon, a three-legged, one-eyed crup came moving along.

The crup stopped to lick the tabby's face and the cat purred and twined its tail with both of the crup's. Then the crup turned and led the tabby to a hole it had dug under the fence. The tabby wiggled under it and into the fenced yard, under the visible sheen of a magical shield. The crup followed and soon it led her to a particular window on the HCWF grounds. It pushed a certain spot of the window screen and it peeled back.

The tabby swiftly entered, followed by the crup who carefully nosed the screen back as it was.

Not long after entering, the lights were extinguished in the room.



Meals, adequate as to quantity and quality to sustain life of residents, shall be served in sufficient numbers with a maximum of five (5) hours apart with no longer than fourteen (14) hours between the evening meal and breakfast. All patients shall be afforded the opportunity to socialize by eating in the common dining hall. If a patient is not ambulatory, staff may levitate them to the hall if patient so requests.



"Morning, El!"

"Morning, Al!"

"Morning, Remus!"

"Morning, gentlemen," murmured the werewolf to Elphias Doge and Alastor Moody who were, like him, being levitated down the corridor to the main dining hall for breakfast.

The orderlies were new, he noted with some chagrin. Moody caught his eye and he sighed and looked down. If he didn't see, then he could apologize with a clear conscience.

"Is something wrong, Mr. Doge?" the boy's voice was still a bit high-pitched, clearly a youngster not long out of school, possibly even having left after taking his OWL's.

"Got a stitch where my right thigh joins my buttock, boy. Would you get under and check it out for me? I'd hate to think I've got a boil coming up."

Remus waited and soon enough he heard the splash and sounds of dismay, looking up just in time to see Elphias cackling like a loon in mid-air and the urine covered boy beneath him, looking appalled. Moody was laughing like a hyena.

Lupin cleared his throat and when the three disgusted orderlies looked to him, he smiled pleasantly and shrugged apologetically.

"The, um, small abbreviated 'i' by the name on the chart indicates 'incontinence' gentlemen. Just for future reference."



Between meal and bedtime snacks shall be offered each patient. Ambulatory patients with permission, may obtain their own snacks in the village if the snack is approved by a staff member.



Pomona Sprout sat at her stool in the greenhouse and lovingly troweled soil onto the marigold seeds. She looked at the time, then hurried as fast as her rheumatism would allow to the loose pane of glass by the venomous tentacula, which she placated with a wave of her wand and then moved aside.

She wiggled the pane free and within moments, a sturdy owl with a small pouch on one foot and a leather pouch in the other flew in. She placed a galleon in the leather pouch and took the package. As soon as it had flown out, she replaced the pane and put the tentacula back in front of it.

Then she loosened the drawstring which caused the package to enlarge and soon she was looking through various cartons, bottles, and assorted items of all kinds, including all manner of sweets and pastries, firewhiskey, beer, butterbeer and scotch, several magazines with moving naked images of all kinds, and one odd looking contraption that appeared to be some kind of sex device.

She wasn't being curious or at least not very much; she was merely checking to ensure everything was there that was supposed to be. She rolled her eyes at the sex device, tugged the string again and the package shrunk as she pulled the drawstring tight. Then she tucked it into her cleavage and headed for the greenhouse exit and her morning rounds of 'visiting'.



HWCF has a strict microbial and infection control program. Only familiars or therapy animals are permitted on site. Owls may be received at the front desk only. All animals are subject to decontamination spells and containment charms as needed.



The orderly was carefully stacking freshly laundered towels in the towel rack in the cupboard. He was nearly through when he thought he heard a squeak. He paused and waited, but heard nothing else, so he shrugged and kept placing towels on the rack.

When he was done, he thought he heard rustling noise, but checking the cupboard revealed only cartons of medical equipment, the towel rack, and shelf after shelf of necessary medicaments, lotions, potions and assorted personal toiletries. He sighed and headed out the cupboard where he ran straight into the facilities largest resident.

"Oh, sorry 'bout that. I was just coming to fetch me some o' that medicated powder for me bath. Got a right dreadful itch in my--"

"That's all right, sir," the boy said politely and exiting the cupboard to make way. "The toiletries are to the right and back."

"Right then. Thank you."

Hagrid waited until the boy had left and entered the cupboard and closed the door. As soon as he'd managed to pry one of the ceiling tiles loose near the family of mice he'd established there, he pulled a rather lengthy snake out of his capacious robe pocket and set it near the ceiling opening.

"Get on w'ye. Get yer dinner, so I can go get mine."



Physiotherapy

A record will be kept as a part of the medical record on each patient receiving physiotherapy. The physiotherapist shall keep progress notes on each patient including initial evaluation and diagnosis/es, date and frequency of therapy given, progress or lack of progress, symptoms noted, and changes in treatment plans.



"Hello, Mr... er, Snape?"

The patient eyed the intruder to his room with disdain.

"May I call you Severus?"

The patient's left eye twitched, and his wand hand tensed.

"Hm... Not feeling like speaking today? There's no note in your chart saying you can't... um, you are Severus Snape, right?"

"Yes. Now get out."

"Well, uh, I'll have to make a note. See... I'm Boris, I'm the new physiotherapist assigned to you. It seems you've seen quite a few according to your chart. That's not good is it? Never getting the same treatment, the same level of care from day to day. Why don't we see if we can change that."

Boris moved closer to the bed, not noticing the patient's hand slipping under his pillow.

"Now your chart indicates you have several old war injuries, most notably a bad hex to the spine and several old bone breaks that have become arthritic. So I expect just about doing anything hurts, poor thing. Why don't we get you undresse-- WAAAAUUGGGHHH!!!"

Boris could hear the sound of running feet, and soon he could feel himself being gently settled back down on terra firma outside the hall. Before he passed out, he heard the staff medi-witch chastizing him in tones that indicated she wanted very badly to laugh.

"Boris, the names with asterisks by them are the patients you don't want to visit without back-up."



Patient Activities Program

HWCF has a schedule of events that are regularly planned and available for all patients. These events are social and recreational activities requiring active participation by the patient, providing entertainment of appropriate frequency and character, and opportunities for participation in community activities as are possible and appropriate.



"Severus."

"Lupin."

Remus sighed.

"Why do I even bother? I haven't seen you since last week. It's good to see you. How are you faring?"

"The same."

"Well, that's good. Don't feel like joining the rest in the dining hall to eat, I take it?"

Snape scowled at him and snarled, "Does it look like I want to join anyone anywhere?"

Remus considered this. The sight of Severus in a navy-and-white striped robe that was a bit too big for him, matching slippers on his pale, skinny feet and the sight of hairy, but muscular calves actually did make him want to join him in the chair, and possibly in his room as well. There was no point, however, in antagonizing the only halfway decent-looking bloke in the facility that was even slightly bent.

"Well, I'm glad you're here now. Come sit by me. Let's work on this puzzle together."

Everyone else seemed to have already paired off or broken into threes and fours to work on the facilities many large and complicated puzzles. Snape snarled again, but grudgingly levered himself up and limped over to sit next to Lupin, revealing his slippers were far too wide and short for his feet.

"Whose robe & slippers are those?"

"Moody's. For some reason, he always seems to take mine. I don't know why. My robe wouldn't even close in front on him, but then maybe he likes to flash the staff."

Remus coughed politely, remembering an overheard conversation about not having enough time to dress or undress and Moody's current paramour wanting at least a token of decorum before they hit the sheets running, but also having rather bad rheumatism and not wanting to deal with a great deal of fumbling with belt ties.

"What's a feller to do, eh?" Moody had asked Elphias, saying he'd managed to commandeer someone's robe that fit him perfectly for his assignations. Enough to throw on his shoulders, but leaving his front bare for his lady friend to, er, handle.

Handle she did, apparently, per Moody he had plenty of scratches on his back to show for it. Remus wondered which of the ladies it was, or if, perhaps, it was one of the witches from the private facility down the way, which was women-only. If so, he wondered how Moody got her in and out without constantly getting permission.

"That blue piece goes here."

Snape's comment made him look at the puzzle, where an image of a forest scene complete with centaurs, unicorns, fauns and what looked like a sleeping giant was slowly taking shape. He handed Snape the blue piece and briefly exulted in the feeling of those thin, but warm fingers against his own. It had been too long since he'd even held hands with anyone.

"Lupin, what the devil are you doing?"

Remus blinked to find himself rubbing Snape's fingertips, puzzle piece forgotten as he'd reminisced.

"Oh, sorry. Mind wandered."

"Not surprising in this place. This is hardly brain engaging activity."

"True, but then what can you expect from a Ministry-funded facility? Most of us can't afford anything else."

"I'd be better off among the damn Muggles again," Snape muttered.

Lupin considered this. "Well, Muggle facilities are a hell of a lot cheaper."

"Plus they don't know you can conjure things or make them disappear so you can hide contraband or use a charm and hide yourself and watch other residents bathe."

"Severus, you surprise me!"

"I said you could. I didn't say I had."

"Right. Pull the other one."

"Well, it's not as if there is much to do. Felt like I was going mad. All that was left was the bloody idiot box or wanking myself raw. Everyone there was ancient except for a couple of the mental cases and a couple unfortunates who'd had vehicular accidents."

Once loosened, Snape's tongue kept working as if to sharpen itself. "It's not like I have any opportunities for sex at most facilities, either, unlike some of the randy bastards in this facility," he gestured toward Doge who was feeling up Doris Crockford's knee under her robe, even as they watched.

"Well, if it will make you feel better, you can feel up my knee."

Now why did I say that? Oh, that's right, side effect of that stroke I had..._

Snape was looking at him archly and Lupin blinked rapidly. He smiled apologetically.

"Sorry, Severus. It's... it's just--"

"That blood clot in your brain left you with the common sense of one of the Crabbe's and less sense of self-preservation," Snape noted.

"Yes, well."

"Shut up, Lupin. I might scare the hell out of you some time and take you up on that offer."



Privacy Rules

The patient's full medical record is to contain the following:

Name, last known address, birth date, gender, marital status, religious affiliation, name of last known healer or medi-witch or wizard, name of legal counsel, if any, and name, address and floo connection of the responsible party to contact in event of emergency, illness or death.

Records shall be maintained at the main station on each ward. Spells, charms and/or enchantments may be utilized to ensure the privacy of the records.





"Tell me again what I'm doing in this broom cupboard?" Lupin whinged.

"I knew it!"

"What?"

Snape looked up from his perusal of the stack of charts he had filched while the staff was responding to one of Elphias Doge's infrequent fits and then hidden behind Lupin's back as he floated him into the cupboard.

"That one warded room down the green hall. Last door on the left."

"What of it?"

"Guess who's in there. You'll never guess."

"Stubby Boardman?"

"No. Dolores Jane Umbridge."

"No, really? That bitch!"

"Yes. No wonder that room is so heavily warded. If word of this got out... she's so disliked, she'd probably be hexed six ways to Sunday."

"Are you going to blackmail her, Severus?"

Snape considered this.

"You know, blackmail is really just a negative term for the judicious application of leverage, Lupin."




During discussion with any patient by a staff member, spells, charms and/or enchantments may be utilized to ensure patient privacy.

In response to a reasonable request by a patient or visitor, privacy shall be afforded for conversation and/or consultations, such as legal consultation or private medical consult or administration of private medical therapy. Separate rooms, offices or bungalows may be used for this capacity.





Later that week, Remus poked his head from behind the shrubbery near Cornelius Fudge's private bungalow.

Snape had managed to work a low-riding hover charm on him and manoeuvred him behind the hedge near the Fudge bungalow. There weren't too many private bungalows and fewer still of patients that could afford leasing them, but that bastard Fudge was one.

"Tell me again what I'm doing behind this hedge?"

Snape's head poked out from behind the shrubbery and made a shushing gesture.

"Just watch," he whispered.

Soon a taut, muscular looking young blond man in a medic's suit came striding up the path and politely knocked at the bungalow door. Fudge opened the door and allowed him in and the door closed behind them.

"Come on," Snape muttered, moving Remus from hedge to hedge, now by the side window of the bungalow where they could see in but were obscured by shadows.

Remus peered in and watched the young man take Fudge's robe off and gently lay him back on the sofa before taking one arm in his and gently assessing the muscles. He sighed.

"He's just a physiotherapist, Severus. I heard Fudge request permission to see him last week at the front desk."

"Belt up and learn how things are done, Lupin."

Remus glared at Snape's peremptory tone.

"There's nothing to see, Severus. The man is a physiotherapist. Fudge is allowed."

"Oh, so do the staff physiotherapists do that for you then?" Snape asked.

Lupin glanced back to the window and his eyes widened.

The taut muscular young man was now stripping in front of the avid Fudge who was slowly and unmistakably wanking.

"Oh, that's disgusting," he managed.

Snape frowned. "Well, blonds don't do much for me, either, but his body's not bad."

"No, I mean... oh, I'm never getting this image out of my head. Fudge is... oh, that's revolting."

"So don't look at Fudge's ugly knob. Just watch that young whore. He's quite the dancer." Snape settled back against the tree near him and to Lupin's chagrin, reached down and began to gently rub himself through his robe.

"I'd rather watch you."

Oh, bloody hell..._

Snape did not say anything, merely looked at Lupin briefly as if considering him, then pulled his robe belt loose and revealed the fact he wore only boxers underneath it. Lupin swallowed.

Then Snape pointedly looked back to the window and tucked his hand within his boxers and slowly pulled his cock out. Lupin swooned, but the hover charm kept him upright and he found himself with one hand on the wall of the bungalow and the other in his lap.

"Oh, yes," Snape muttered, watching the now nude blonde whore and toying with his foreskin, occasionally pausing to rub and squeeze his bollocks. "I wish I had money for a private medical consult, don't you?"

Lupin swallowed again, watching that rather lovely pale cock in Snape's hand begin to darken a bit and grow fuller. "I wish I could taste that."

Lupin groaned at his unfettered mouth, even as Snape groaned and clutched tightly at his slowly firming tackle.

"Lupin... bloody hell."

Remus felt his own tackle firming a bit, or at least as firm as it now got since his stroke, which was only slightly better than half-hard. Still, it felt marvelous to rub and fondle.

Snape's cock appeared to be still mostly functional, he noted. It was nicely erect if not as rock hard as it had gotten in his youth, and his bollocks were still quite attractive, not as wrinkled as, well, his own. He wondered now why some men's bollocks got so saggy and disreputable in appearance as they aged.

"You've got a lovely scrotum," he opined, with only a mildly reflexive wince at his foolish mouth.

"Shut up, Lupin. Watch and/or wank, but don't talk."

Snape crept closer to the window to watch the blond whore now going down on hands and knees in front of the madly wanking Fudge and presenting his arse whilst moving one hand to his own rock hard prick to stroke it.

"Yes, you blond cunt," Snape breathed, watching the scene as it unfolded. "Stroke it."

"Merlin, but you've a beautiful cock, Severus."

Snape's hand moved a bit faster on his erection and he tried a slight thrust, but gasped in pain, let go of his tackle to grab at his lower back and winced, then sagged back against the tree. He stifled a sob even as his erection wilted and finally he sighed.

"Bloody back."

"We should really do this somewhere flat. Maybe our rooms?"

"Don't be a fool, Lupin. We'd get caught. There's no privacy here unless you've a bungalow."

Lupin nodded sadly, then smiled.

"I've an idea."


* * *


"Let me get this straight. You didn't call me to request a review of your case for a possible lawsuit. You want me to request a 'legal consultation' for the two of you, show up, request a private room to speak with the two of you for the duration of at least an hour, then you want me to apparate out so you can have sex?"

"Please?"

Snape ignored Remus to state his case. "Mrs. Weasley... you know how this place is run. You know how we're allowed no privacy. Only married couples are allowed to room together and even then, they've no guarantee of privacy. We don't wish to sneak around and run the risk of getting caught. We just want to have sex again before we die."

Hermione blinked at his candor. "I see old age has melted your reserve, Mr. Snape."

"Needs must. We've little time in any sense of the word. We're desperate old men who just want to enjoy what little life we have left."

"I can see that. I'm very flattered you thought of me, gentlemen."

"That was Lupin's idea. I turned him into a newt for a day when he told me he'd written you about our problem, so blame him."

"You're the only legal expert I know," Remus sighed. "Plus you're very discreet. The newt thing was genius on Severus's part, really, because the staff thinks we're trying to sue one another."

"I'd really rather work on elder reforms so you can do what you like instead of having to sneak around. I'd really rather not get embroiled in your love affair."

"Oh, it's not an affair, Hermione," Lupin assured her. "We just want to fuck."

"Just so," she continued, pretending she hadn't heard that. "I'll think about it."

"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley."

"Thank you, Mr. Snape, for your refreshing candor."

"Just don't take very long, please. Neither of us is as young as we once were."

She sighed, closing her eyes and counting to ten. Who would it hurt?

"All right, fine. Sign me down for another meeting two days from now. I'll pencil you in at what time?"

"After lunch so we'll have some stamina," Lupin decided, but Snape held up a hand.

"Not too soon after lunch. I tend to nap in the afternoon."

"How about two o'clock?"

"Perfect."

"I'll request two hours, just to be on the safe side, and ask for the use of one of the bungalows for privacy. I'll apparate out as soon as we get there and you two better be dressed when I apparate back at the two hour mark."



Each home shall keep records of any visitations, consultations or other sessions involving a patient. These records shall be open for inspection by Ministry officials as needed.



"All right. I signed us in to bungalow three for the next two hours," Hermione intoned, walking slower to keep pace with the limping Snape while levitating Remus alongside them.

"We appreciate this, Mrs. Weasley."

Lupin opened his mouth, but shut it again at a look from Snape who had earlier informed him that if he so much as whimpered before they got behind locked doors he would hex his bollocks off.

Hermione noted his silence but said nothing herself as they made their way to the bungalow. Soon enough they were all inside and she settled Lupin on the couch and nodded to them.

"Good luck, gentlemen," she said, before apparating out. Or at least, before trying to apparate out.

"Oh, no."

"What is it?" Remus asked, confused.

"There's an anti-apparation ward," Snape snapped, furious. "Well, that tears it."

"But I want to have sex."

"Remus, please. This situation is awkward enough," Hermione noted.

"Let me think."

Hermione looked askance at Severus. "If you think I'm going to sit here and try not to watch whilst you two--"

"No, there's no need for that," Snape assured her.

"Thank heavens one of you has some common sense."

"I'll take Lupin into the bedroom. You stay here. Use a silencing charm. There's no need to watch unless you're a voyeur, Mrs. Weasley."

She stared at him, aghast.

"You can't honestly still be considering--"

"Believe it. We're desperate and this is our only opportunity."

"I'm sure there's something to read here," Lupin opined, looking over the bookshelves in the room.

"One hour and fifty-five minutes," Snape reminded her as he levitated Lupin into the bedroom and atop the bed, then closed the door behind them.

Hermione continued to stare at the door for several moments before shaking her head and reaching for her briefcase.

Might as well catch up on some of my paperwork.


* * *


"I'm sorry, Severus."

Snape paused in his undressing. "For what?"

"Well... I don't care to bottom."

Snape shrugged. "I don't care about that."

"Yes, but... I don't really get hard enough to top anymore, either."

Snape rolled his eyes, and then kept undressing.

"Lupin, there is much more to sex than just sticking it in."

"What did you have in mind, then?"

"Dammit, Lupin!" Snape glared at him. "I want to lay beside someone that wants me just as much as I want him. I want to feel someone against me. I want to touch them and bloody well feel them up and have them do the same to me, even if we both don't even get hard. Don't you see? I just want to feel human again!"

Lupin stared at him before sighing, "Funny how you want to feel human with a werewolf."

Snape stopped then and stepped up to him.

"Do you think that matters to me? Do you think it ever mattered to me?"

"It did when we were kids."

"Kids are stupid. They say and do stupid things."

"I nearly killed you."

"No, that was Black's fault. Not yours."

"So you were never mad at me?"

"Maybe once. Maybe a little. But it was Black who made me angry. You I felt sorry for. I thought you deserved better friends."

"Better...?"

"Well, certainly better than Potter who lorded his wealth and privilege over everyone. Butter wouldn't melt! Certainly better than Pettigrew who betrayed you all. I'm glad I killed the bloody bastard. Definitely better than that mongrel Black who thought it a fine prank to throw me to you in your werewolf state without one single thought to what it might mean to your safety and welfare, fuck mine. Some friend! If word had gotten out about you due to his stupid stunt, the Ministry might have destroyed you."

Lupin considered all this, and then shook his head.

"That's all in the past."

Snape stepped up now and began to undress him. "This isn't."

Lupin moved to help him and soon they were both naked and atop the bed. Snape sighed, relaxing.

"You feel incredible, Severus."

"So do you, Lupin."

"Will you never call me Remus?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"That was what your friends called you. I'm not your friend. I'm your lover."

"Oh."

"But if it bothers you, I can try to find an appropriate endearment."

Lupin laughed at this and said, "Let's not waste time on that when we could be doing this instead."

Remus reached his good hand over and gently rubbed Snape's cock. It twitched under his hand, a soft, warm bulk.

Snape reached over and gently fingered Lupin's own cock, which did not respond, but those thin fingers felt nice.

"I like that. That thing with your fingertips."

Snape smiled slightly and pulled Lupin's foreskin and rubbed it between his fingertips. "That?"

"Oh, yes."

Lupin noted the cock under his hand was growing warmer and fuller. "You're getting firm."

"Mm."

"You really do have lovely bollocks, Snape."

"Thank you, but I've naught to do with it."

"Well, mine are so... wrinkly."

"Old age."

"You're just as old."

"But not so hard used."

"Are you implying--"

"Belt it, Lupin. I don't want to fight. I want to fuck or whatever it is we end up doing. I mean you've had a harder life is all."

"Oh."

Snape turned slightly and pressed his now-half-hard cock against Lupin's hip, starting to frot against him. Lupin giggled, earning him a glare, but he didn't mind, especially when Snape's hand kept playing with his cock, which was now deciding to wake up and check things out.

There was silence, broken only by sighs and the sound of stroking flesh and the slight creak of arthritic joints.

Snape stiffened and stopped, a look of agony on his face.

"Severus?"

"It'll ease up in a minute. My damn back."

"You shouldn't be doing the work. Let me."

Lupin pushed Snape gently onto his back and snuggled up next to him, taking his cock in his hand and stroking. Severus, he noted, smelled very nice - talcum, the mild woody scent of the facility deodorant for men, and the sharper smell of eucalyptus, cinnamon, menthol & camphor that was in the patients' muscle rub. He found it all rather exciting.

"I can't touch you like this."

"That's okay."

"But I want to."

Lupin sighed. He moved back slightly, let Snape shift and they found themselves face-to-face and side-to-side. Snape winced slightly, but apparently the pain was tolerable.

"Maybe if we put a pillow behind you?"

Snape nodded so Lupin took his pillow and tucked it at the small of his back. Snape nodded again and relaxed.

"Who hexed you anyway?"

"Bellatrix."

"Bitch."

"That she was, and it's a fine insult to female dogs everywhere."

Lupin chuckled and Snape relaxed more and then they were snogging. That was nice, too, Remus noted. He could taste the mint of their toothpaste and feel the slightly rough edges of Snape's teeth, the silkiness of his tongue. Then he could feel the firm warm lump that was poking his hip and he put his hand down and squeezed and Snape pulled back, gasping.

"Yes! Merlin, gods... yes!"

Lupin smiled and rubbed the head of Snape's cock harder, and leaned back in to kiss him again. This kiss was heated and sloppy and wet and Lupin sighed into that covetous mouth as he felt his own cock being rubbed and squeezed.

This went on for what seemed like hours, but a quick sidewise glance at the bedside clock assured was only a little over an hour. Their position was as comfortable as they could manage. Their bodies were as cooperative as they could hope, slowly flexing and providing each other a blessed pleasure no other activity could engender.

He kissed Snape through the motions and the moaning and the moment Snape stiffened and Lupin was desperately afraid he'd suffered cramp and then he felt slight dampness in his hand, looking down to see a bit of semen oozing from that beautiful cock and felt his own body convulse.

Oh, the feeling was lovely. It wasn't quite an orgasm, but it was the closest he could get and he gasped at the feeling of one of Snape's fingers gently stroking the head of his tender glans where a single pearly drop had trickled out.

He opened his eyes to find Snape lifting that finger and tasting it. Severus sighed his satisfaction and smiled.

"Gods, but I needed that."

Lupin nodded, smiling.

"I could sleep."

"We only have forty-five minutes."

"Hit the timer for half an hour and let's nap."




HWCF has four furnished bungalows for private patients. When there is no one in residence, the bungalows shall be used for private consultations.

The upkeep and cleaning of each bungalow is included in the lease agreement with the patient and/or the patient's legal counsel and will be provided by HWCF.





"I don't believe it."

"I would say I'd never forgive you, Mrs. Weasley, except that in this case, your indiscretion had admirable results."

Hermione beamed at the two men. She would never tell them she'd overheard the first few moments in the bungalow before using a silencing spell. Those few moments, though, had made her forget catching up on paperwork, and instead trying to figure out some way to allow these two men, once her teachers and still her much-respected colleagues their dignity.

"It's all yours," she told Snape now, handing him a copy of the lease agreement. "Home sweet bungalow."

"Good lord!"

"What is it, Severus?"

"You don't want to know just how much we're each paying for a share of this, Lupin. Let's just say it's enough to make me smile."

Hermione leveled a look at him. "Should I even dare ask why your share in the bungalow is being paid by one D.J. Umbridge, Severus?"

"Best not."

"Thought so."

She chuckled. "Well, Harry loves Remus. He promised to take care of him and he keeps his promises. He's not entirely happy about the two of you, but..."

"He doesn't have to watch," Severus snapped.

"As you say," she muttered, then clearing her throat and leaning over to kiss Lupin on the cheek. "Best of luck, Remus."

To Snape's surprise she stepped up, then gave in to her impulse and hugged him. Her brown curls smelt of lilac and heather he noted.

"Mm. I've wanted to do that for years," she admitted.

Snape frowned. "Hug me?"

She nodded, then smiled sunnily at them both and waved her good-bye.

Snape looked to Lupin, who looked out the window to the bungalow they now leased from the facility and felt his cock twitch a bit.

Regular sex. He smiled. He finally had the prospect of regular sex in his life.

Snape sighed.

And it had only taken 80 years to achieve it.

~FINIS~

completed: 31 March 2006.


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