Not So Bad After All
by
Written for the lovely art piece titled Praia by: brunaghot
Rating: PG-13, specific warnings below
Pairing: SS/RL
Word Count: 5,060
Disclaimer: The characters are JK Rowling's. The situations they're in are the author's. This non-profit fic was written out of love for the HP-verse and a firm belief in a free-flowing participatory culture on and off the net.
Summary: a weary, injured Snape and the also injured, but anxious Lupin, slowly come to terms with what the end of the war, and their survival, means.
Warnings: highlight between brackets if you prefer story warnings: [some adult concepts and references to sexual behaviour, specifically, an erection or two and thoughts of wanking and shagging, but no nudity.]
It was nothing like he'd imagined. The beach was warm and sunny, just as he'd read, but the smells, the sounds -- they had to be experienced. The rhythm of the ocean seemed to settle in his pulse and become a part of him, lulling him into a peaceful state despite himself.
Severus Snape had never been to a beach in his life. He had seen the ocean from a distance, as he flew, and once when he went by train but it had been so late he could not see anything from the window. He had never done as he did now and sat in a folding chair like a tripper, with a big umbrella and sunglasses to protect him from the hot, bright light.
Most importantly, he had never felt so very relaxed nor enjoyed himself so much. He had to credit Lupin, for on his own he would have been stuck in his home with nothing to look forward to all summer, although, he had not wanted to come, at first.
It had taken a great deal of persuasion, but Pomfrey brought up how very much he owed it to himself to recover from his near-death ordeal somewhere warm and pleasant every time she tended him, and Lupin, thanks to being on the sick bed beside his and recovering from his own near-death ordeal, had the time to wear Snape down.
It had not been as difficult a task as he might have preferred. Severus was tired. No, Severus was exhausted, worn down to the bone with fatigue and the stress of the war and the last few years.
He had not expected to survive, and had woken the evening after the battle to the sensation of someone pounding on his chest and a surge of magic running through him, forcing him to breathe, returning him to awareness.
There had been so much pain and he had been so achingly cold that he had almost chosen to return to the peaceful void from which he had been drawn. Poppy had spoken briskly to him, though, demanding his attention and keeping him aware. Minerva's tearful presence and clearly heartfelt apology had been so astonishing, he had remained awake out of curiosity.
He had listened as Minerva had asked his forgiveness for not trusting him, for not trusting Dumbledore. She felt horrid for the way she and the rest of the staff had treated him the last year, whilst he had done his best to keep them all safe, despite the presence of Death Eaters in Hogwarts.
Too tired and weak to say anything at all, he had merely blinked at her and fallen asleep to the returning feeling in his limbs, and the source of warmth that was her fingers clasping his hand as she sat by him in the Infirmary.
Remus had also not expected to survive, particularly after the terrific series of hexes he had been hit with from at least three different Death Eaters.
However, they had not known he was a werewolf, and so had not finished him off, but left him for dead on the battlefield. He'd been taken for dead by some students, as well, and brought to the Great Hall, where his lycanthropic nature had slowly repaired his worst injuries until he had woken a few hours later to the sensation of someone trying to reposition his limbs.
Seamus Finnegan swore he'd never be the same since a dead man had spoken to him, and asked after his wife.
Sadly, as it turned out, she was next to him, but truly dead. Nymphadora had also taken the same sort of hexes as Remus, but not having a lycanthropic nature, her body had not been able to repair itself.
This had left him saddened, but not devastated. He had agreed to marry her to give her child a father, not because he loved her, and because she needed to hide the truth from his son's real father, who had avoided her after one ill-advised post-battle moment of passion.
Once Alastor Moody was dead, however, they had disagreed on a course of action. She wanted him to remain with her until her child started school. Remus did not want to remain with her at all, and had even left for awhile, needing to be helping those fighting Voldemort, even if it was just helping Muggle-borns to get to safety. It was after speaking to Harry that he had decided that since they were married already, he might as well remain with her at least until the baby was born. He had not told Harry that the baby was not his, and he wasn't planning on telling him, either. That was one promise he would keep to poor Nymphadora.
So now he was a widower in their world, and a single father of a child he was now expected to raise, but who wasn't even his.
Severus had learnt all of this in the days that followed his waking. Too weak even to speak at first, all he could do was listen as a guilt-stricken Remus unburdened himself. Snape had never felt such apathy. He had truly not expected to survive and could not summon enough concern over how or why it had happened, much less over Lupin's crisis of conscience.
On and on he'd gone, agonising. Ought he to keep Teddy, or let his grandmother have him? His lycanthropy would ensure he could not care for his son all the time, and Andromeda was in better straits financially. Still, he felt he owed it to Nymphadora...
After Poppy had fed him breakfast, some days after his revival, Severus had finally been strong enough to sit up for awhile. He had looked over at Remus who was beaming at him, and managed to croak out from his bite-damaged throat, "What the devil are you smiling at?"
"You. It's good to see you're recovering. Quite a lot of people have been worried about you."
Snape snorted.
"Your imagination is as strong as ever, I see."
"No, it's true. Even Harry has been down to see you, although, you're always asleep when he comes."
Severus gave him an incredulous look. His voice was even hoarser than before.
"Potter? He's alive?"
To his astonishment, Remus realised no one had informed Severus of the outcome of the battle or spoken to him of anything really beyond telling him what potion he was being given. Aside from himself and Poppy's bustling daily presence, no one but he had spoken to Severus at all, and all he had talked about had been... himself. Minerva had only been by the first night, but had been kept so busy since, that even Remus had not seen her again.
With a look of chagrin, Lupin sat up a bit more and caught Severus up, glad to see the signs of interest, and therefore, of life, in his old adversary.
Over the rest of that day, he'd told Snape what had happened. As it turned out, Severus had heard rather more than he'd realised from Poppy and the others who were still in the Infirmary. Most of the injured had been sent to St. Mungo's, but the teachers, teachers' assistants and older students who had been injured remained at the school. Harry had not only survived, but had declared him a hero. He had been delighted to learn Snape was still alive, Remus said. Snape wasn't sure whether or not to believe this.
Just as he was finishing his tale, the new Minister came in.
Shacklebolt smiled at them both, although it was Severus he had come to see, he admitted. Madam Pomfrey had been under orders to let him know as soon as Snape was able to receive visitors. He had come straight from the Ministry after putting in a very long day.
Snape tried to hide his dismay. If he was to be sent to Azkaban, as he expected, he had hoped to be fully recovered first. Therefore, he had been stunned when Kingsley stepped up and pinned an Order of Merlin to his pyjama top and shook his unresisting hand.
"With the thanks no amount of words could convey, for all you've done, and all the years you've had to do it without anyone the wiser. You're a bonafide hero and I'm privileged to say I know you, Severus Snape."
Severus had stared at Shacklebolt, then over at Lupin, startled to note Minerva, Poppy, Flitwick and Pomona had slipped from behind a sight screen and were all smiling at him.
"Congratulations, Severus," Minerva said, beginning to clap, and smiling broadly as the others joined her. "You should have had a proper ceremony, but then, we wanted you to surprise you. Besides, we weren't sure if you would have attended a ceremony."
He finally swallowed and managed to say in his hoarse voice, "I don't know what to say."
Lupin beamed. "I know what you can say. Say you'll come to Cornwall with us all."
"Cornwall?"
"It was Albus's wish," Minerva informed him. "After the battle, if we won, a portion of his estate was set aside to rent an entire inn in Cornwall for the purpose of the staff, and the surviving members of the Order, to vacation for one month, all expenses paid."
"You need the sun and the sea air would do you a world of good," Poppy muttered now, moving in to bunch up his pillows a bit more.
"I think I need to rest," Snape managed to say, and the rest all smiled indulgently, aware of his taciturn nature.
"We'll leave you to it. Congratulations, again," and the only slightly less taciturn Minerva bent over and placed a kiss on his temple before leaving.
Flitwick stepped up and shook his hand, Pomona beamed at him, and left a lovely potted ficus on his bedside table. Pomfrey smiled fondly at him, and patted his hand, then left to tend to other patients.
Snape found himself sitting in a daze next to a bemused Lupin.
"I hope you'll come. It wouldn't be the same without you," was all Remus said, though, before turning from Severus and stretching out on his cot.
Snape was still considering events when a familiar, tousled head poked around the sight screen to one side of his bed, and Severus swallowed.
Harry looked uncertain. "Is this a bad time?"
Snape found himself shaking his head. "Not at all."
His voice was still very hoarse, but Potter understood, stepping forward to sit in the chair by his bedside.
"I'm glad you're awake. I'm sorry I missed that," he gestured to the medal Severus had all but forgotten was pinned to his pyjama top. "You deserve it, and more."
Snape studied Potter. The boy seemed sincere. He also seemed different, no longer the boy, he realised, but a young man. His face was bewhiskered, which softened his jaw, and his expressive eyes held a hint of sorrow in them he had never seen before. It was the face of someone much older, someone who had experienced much in his life.
Yes, a man, now.
"Why have you come?"
Harry smiled faintly. "Still to the point. I'm glad you haven't changed."
Snape rolled his eyes and snorted. Potter nodded.
"I just wanted to say... thank you. For everything. For protecting me first year. For trying to protect me third year, when you didn't know Sirius was innocent. I realise now why you were so angry with him. It wasn't the prank, it was my mum."
Snape went very still.
"I understand now. I want to thank you for not having me expelled, or maybe eviscerated, fifth year. I deserved what you did after that one Occlumency lesson. I... I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry I looked into your private thoughts. I didn't think it was anything personal, you see. I thought you were trying to hide Death Eater activities or something. I didn't expect to see what I saw. I wish you had been able to tell me, though. I feel horrible now for all the trouble I caused."
Severus felt uncomfortable. "There's no need to make a meal of it, Potter. It's over. Done with."
Harry nodded. "Yes, sir. I just wanted, needed, to say thank you. You're the bravest man I know."
He held out his hand and Severus Snape found himself shaking hands with a solemn-looking Harry Potter.
* * *
Two weeks later, only a couple days after being released from the Infirmary, Severus found himself in a beach chair on a warm sunny beach in Cornwall, under a gay umbrella that a rambunctious Flitwick had conjured, with a fascinating book that Minerva had gifted him about the psychotropic properties of various North American plants.
He had applied plenty of the sun lotion Pomona had given to everyone and that she swore by. Considering how much time the witch spent in the sun without ever burning, the rest knew it must work.
Pomona was also the only one, aside from Arthur and Molly Weasley, who already had beach attire. Severus was just grateful the Weasley's had come without their children. Charlie and Percy had jobs that required attending, they had informed him. Ron and Ginny had chosen to visit Bill along with Harry and Hermione. George was being watched over by Percy in the evenings, and the gregarious Lee Jordan, who was helping at the shop which had reopened, and for which Severus was especially grateful. He had not fancied facing the boy he had disfigured.
He knew intellectually that Potter had told everyone the truth of that firefight, of the accidental nature of George Weasley's wounding, but he still did not wish to dwell on it or be faced with his own handiwork. He had done what he needed to, just as they all had.
This time, so strange and freeing, was what was needed to not just recover, but to put the past year and their experiences, into perspective. He especially felt the need to not only recoup, but to come to terms with having survived. It was the last thing he had ever expected.
Remus suddenly ran past him, barefoot, with a brightly coloured beach ball in hand that he returned to a pair of children who had, apparently lost it. Snape looked up from his book and was gratified to note that he was not the only one who had not purchased new beach wear.
He had not really given it any consideration before leaving the school, which is why he had found himself wearing his favourite black shirt with the sleeves rolled up past his elbows. It nearly draped on him and Severus realised with some regret that he had not taken very good care of himself that last year -- all his things hung on him.
He did not have swimming trunks, nor would he wear them in so public a setting, but he did have an old pair of faded jeans that were, like everything else, rather loose on him. He trimmed them neatly with a Cutting Charm, revealing his knobby knees for the first time in ages.
Lupin, he noted, had a far nicer pair of knees. He wore a pair of faded Muggle style shorts that looked rather the worse for wear, and a simple white vest that displayed his physique, and his scars, in a rather distracting manner. Snape looked back down to his book a bit hurriedly as he went by, glad that his eyes were hidden behind dark lenses.
It might have been his imagination, but Remus had seemed a bit disappointed.
* * *
They were seated together at dinner that evening. Snape's attempt at conversation had caused Lupin to wince, then guzzle his glass of wine as if for fortitude. Snape frowned.
He had only asked if his son was staying with Andromeda. He found out now that Remus had given custody of Teddy to her.
"I'll still be able to see him whenever I want, and he'll have my name, but... he's not mine, not really, and he deserves to be with her. She needs something to help her bear the deaths of both husband and daughter. Teddy will be a good distraction and benefit from her attention. I'm used to being alone."
Having spoken in a hurried, breathless fashion, Lupin poured himself more wine and swigged it down. Snape forbore comment. It was Lupin's vacation as well, to do what he wished and he was well above age if he chose to spend it inebriated. He wasn't going to play Policeman Plod. He focused instead on what he'd said.
"It sounds as if you still have some regrets."
Lupin shrugged now, looking a bit lost.
"Yes and no. He has my name. People will think, believe, he's mine. I'll care for him the best I can, but..."
"He's not really yours."
"Well, as much as, but no, not really. Not as such," Lupin mumbled, drinking a bit more wine.
"I'm on vacation," Snape said pointedly. Lupin looked askance.
"I'm sorry if my own troubles are boring you so much, Severus. You could always change the subject, you know."
Snape set his fork down and looked at Lupin pointedly.
"I was merely pointing out that I do not plan to, nor will I, spend any time making hangover potions or any other potion for anyone."
He picked his fork back up and continued eating his pasta.
"Oh." Remus looked a bit rueful. "I suppose I should slow down. I'm just rather nervous for some reason. At odds."
"I trust it's not the company."
"No, not at all. In fact... I find you easy to talk to, Severus. There are very few people I've ever met that I can say that about."
"I could say the same."
Lupin grew pink.
"Why, thank you!"
Snape lifted a brow.
"I meant that there are very few people I've ever met that I could say that about."
Remus looked crestfallen.
"Oh."
Snape considered him, then added, "I did not mean that as an insult. Truthfully, I've never found anyone easy to talk to sin--"
He stopped himself, forked up some pasta and followed it up with a gulp of his own wine, staring manfully at his plate and hoping the stinging in his eyes and the tightness of his throat would ease.
"I miss her, too," Lupin said quietly. "She was very kind."
Severus looked up at that, startled, then conceded. "Yes. Yes, she was."
Lupin smiled at him, then picked up his own fork and the rest of the meal passed in a companionable silence.
After dinner, Snape went for a walk along the pier, feeling, as Lupin had put it earlier, at odds. He had never had time like this to himself in his entire life.
His summers had usually been spent doing research, working sometimes for Dumbledore, but he'd never really had the money to spend on long vacations in the mountains or at seaside, much less abroad like many of his colleagues.
Malfoy had invited him to accompany his family once or twice in his early career, but he had felt so out of place and nervous, he could not enjoy himself. He had never gone again, begging off with references to his work.
So summers had always meant Spinner's End and endless ruminations in the hazy summer heat. The most he would splurge on would be the occasional dinner of fish and chips, but mostly, he would read, he would think, and he would wank. Not necessarily in that order.
Thanks to not having to worry about being disturbed by some crisis or other in Slytherin House, or being summoned by Albus or the Dark Lord, at least in the years before his return, Severus had given in to extensive, time-consuming sessions in self-pleasure that had always left him feeling a bit peculiar, wondering if others did this also or if he was as freakish as he sometimes felt.
He had been a very young man, with a young man's needs and desires. Now... well, actually, in Wizarding terms he was still a very young man. His needs and desires had been blunted, however, in the last few years. He had never been free of either worry or duties or fear. It had left him unwilling, at best, and unable, at worst. He could not even remember when he'd last wanked or felt the need. The closest he had come to feeling anything was earlier that afternoon, when Lupin--
"There you are."
Snape blinked and turned to find a smiling Lupin stepping up to him by the quay.
"Were you looking for me?"
Remus shrugged. "There's no one else our age, is there? I thought you might like company on your walk."
"I..." Severus paused. To his surprise, a bit of company did not sound like a bad idea, and perhaps it might keep him from his own dismal thoughts. "Of course."
Remus smiled as they began to walk. "I understand the time to come to Cornwall is at Christmas. They have the Mousehole Lights."
"Pardon?"
"Haven't you heard of it? The village of Mousehole has a display that's quite posh. They start it in the middle of December until the first week of the new year. There's an all-male choir and a brass band, it's really quite festive. They do it every night at full dark."
Severus blinked. It was the first he'd ever heard of it, but then, where had he ever gone and who had he ever spoken with to be learning of such things?
"Have you been?"
Lupin shook his head. "My father used to promise we'd go, but we could never afford it. Later, I was usually working, or if I wasn't, I didn't have the money to travel, but I'm thinking this year... this year I want to go. I want to see the things I never had a chance to. Maybe I'll even bring Teddy. If Andromeda lets me, that is."
Snape nodded. "I'm sure she will."
"Thank you for the vote of confidence, but I'm not so sure. She's clinging to him like a life vest. In a way, I suppose that's what he is."
"Well, if not this year, perhaps she'll allow it in future?"
"Yes. Thank you again, Severus, you're absolutely right. He'd be too young to appreciate it now, but maybe when he's a bit older."
Severus nodded. "Maybe I will go, too. I've never been anywhere but my home and London... and the school, of course. It sounds intriguing."
Lupin stared at him. "Truly? I would have thought you'd travelled extensively."
"When? I was always busy with work, with research, duties to the Order."
"I don't know why, but I always assumed you spent your time away from the school collecting rare ingredients from exotic locales. It's a bit disappointing to discover that's not the case."
Snape snorted. "Travel costs money, as you pointed out. I had no need to travel when Albus procured any needed rare ingredients via owl order. The farthest I ever travelled for ingredients was to Diagon Alley."
"I suppose I was thinking of Slughorn. Old Sluggy always travelled everywhere on expeditions for rare ingredients."
"Slughorn always travelled because he had connections and knew how to appeal to them and get them to pay for his expenses. A potion bottle full of Felix Felicis or Vigorous Virility could take him far."
Lupin nodded thoughtfully. "You're right, I'm sure he did. But couldn't you have done the same thing?"
Snape gaped at him. "Are you mad? I don't have any connections. Much less would I be willing to... to sell my talent in that way."
Lupin sighed. "I'm sorry, Severus. I didn't mean to upset you. It just seems, or rather seemed, a good way to go about travelling if one had a useful talent like that. Alas, the only talent I have seems to lie in being very tough to kill. Not much one can do with that."
Severus eyed him, then conceded, "Well, at least you're still alive. There are far too many who did not survive this filthy war."
Lupin nodded. They both bent slightly over the rail they had stopped by and stared at the stars. The sound of the surf was a soothing counterpoint to troubled thoughts and soon they both had relaxed. It was some moments before either spoke.
"I know I haven't said this before, but... I'm glad you survived, Severus. Truly."
Snape nodded, gazing at the occasional glints of light in the foamy ocean.
"Gods know why I did. I didn't expect to. I suppose, though, that I'm glad, too."
He turned then to find Remus very, very close. His pleasant features were wonderfully familiar and he looked a bit muzzy.
To his surprise, Severus felt himself being drawn slowly closer. It took him some time to realise it was Remus's fingers tugging on his shirt.
"If I'm wrong, just hex me, but... I could swear you were looking at me on the beach today."
Severus swallowed. He did not think he could deny it, but, he also wasn't sure if doing what he thought Remus wanted to would be wise.
"I don't have my wand."
Remus blinked. "Excuse me?"
Severus shrugged now, glad the sense of surreality had eased with his comment.
"I can't hex you without my wand."
Remus let go of his shirt. "Oh."
"But I was looking at you," Snape found himself admitting.
Remus's eyes widened and Severus saw starlight reflected off their bright surface.
Once more he felt himself drawn in closer, but this time Remus had both his hands on the rail, and Severus realised it was his own body giving in to some mad impulse.
He groaned, right before his lips touched Lupin's.
Remus gasped against his lips and then opened his mouth and the kiss deepened.
It was an achingly slow, sweet kiss, and by the time they needed to draw apart for breath, their hands were holding each other's upper arms for stability and leverage.
Lupin pulled back first, eyes closed, letting his head fall down to rest against Snape's shoulder. He felt like he could scarcely draw in breath.
Severus, he noted, was trembling. His voice was equally tremulous.
"Well, that was incredibly ill-conceived."
Remus nodded in agreement.
"Yes, but we're going to do that again."
He felt the shiver run through Snape's body, and felt the slight whiskery feeling of his cheek rub against his ear as Severus nodded. The low rumble of his voice nearly made Remus moan.
"Do you suppose this is some sort of... post-battle madness?"
"Call it whatever you like, but I'm not going to fight it, Severus."
It was all Remus said before lifting his head to fit his mouth to that thin, but mobile one before him and let long buried feelings emerge.
The kiss went on this time, and soon they were both entwined together, arms wrapped around backs, torsos pressed tight together.
Severus could feel his first erection in a very long time, pressing against one of Remus's hips, much as Remus's hardness was pressing against one of his own hips.
He could also feel his acute lack of experience in this regard. Snogging he had accomplished in his life, but shagging he had little knowledge of, beyond what was in books.
Are you mad? You are not going to shag the bloody werewolf!
"Stop thinking, Severus. There's no place for it here."
"I... I just don't think it would be wise to... go any further," he managed to whisper past his tight throat.
Lupin beamed at this.
"Good. Because I wasn't going to let us, anyway. I'm not a shag on the first date sort of fellow."
"No?" Severus hoped he did not sound disappointed.
"No. A bit of snogging -- lovely, delectable, snogging, like we've just shared -- is about as far as I will take it."
"I see."
Remus gently caressed Severus's cheek as he pulled back.
"We have all summer, Severus. There's no need to rush into anything."
Snape nodded. "Agreed."
"Good."
They both drew in long breaths, waiting for their hearts to stop racing, for their erections to fade.
To his surprise, Remus took one of his hands and tugged on it. They began to walk again, back along the pier.
"We still have two more dates to go."
"Only two?" Severus was bemused. He was not certain why he was walking by the sea with anyone, much less Remus Lupin. By his own reckoning, he should be dead almost three weeks already. The thought left him feeling giddy.
"Yes. With plenty of snogging, possibly even a bit of frottage. Then, and only then, can we consider having a lovely, long, rousing shag."
Snape nearly tripped as his erection returned full force.
"Easy there. The boards here are a bit rough."
Severus nodded, grateful for Lupin's circumspection. He was still surprised at what came out of his mouth.
"Good thing you're still holding my hand."
Remus paused, and Severus looked at him.
Lupin's eyes were kind, and his smile gentle, but his grip was firm as he squeezed Snape's hands with his own.
"As long as you'll let me."
Severus could only nod, agreeing to the statement, as well as its implications.
They kept on walking then, silent in the dark, under the starry night sky, and Severus realised for the first time since his revival that he was very glad to have survived... and that the thought of the future without fetters, without Dark Lords or masters of any kind, but with kind companions, and one old adversary turned unexpected friend, and perhaps more, was not so bad after all.
~ FINITE ~
Written for the lupin_snape Trading Places challenge and posted on: 16 Feb 2008