At long last, the sequel to Ex Machina. It shouldn't have happened, and it wouldn't have, if I hadn't gotten this crazy inkling that cardies should drive caddies. Sad. Dorian =/\= "Logic is a little bird tweeting in meadow; logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which ... smell bad..." (Spock: I Mudd) (Standard Disclaimer: I didn't create these characters, nor do I own them. Paramount does. I wouldn't want to take responsibility for creating these characters. I didn't even write this story. It was written by my alternate personality, T'Pill. Hey, if you were a half Vulcan half betazoid, you'd be pretty screwie too.) Q Ex Machina Deux The Network couldn't believe it. It simply wasn't possible. Worf Trek was failing! He'd copulated with big growls, killed misunderstood gods, and even fought with his pointy-eared #1 who was going through a strange mating ritual called fon parr. Hell, he'd even encountered a wormhole that sent him visiting Voyager. Sadly, he had not been able to take any of the virile young ensigns back with him, however, he had been able to fill them in on the quaint new uniforms; sailor suits with sailor hats. Tuvok had been hard to convince that the hats really fitted protocol, but once Seven said she thought they were cute, he was all ears to any uniform suggestions Worf had to make. But now the dream was over. On his final trek, Worf would return home to DS9. To the not so loving arms of Jadzia Garak Bashir. "What do you mean, where's my bat'leth?!" "Rrrr.." "I told you Worf, we were the product of drunkards. I've finally started listening to that overgrown slug inside me, who told me to drop you from day 1. And I gotta tell you, that doctor may not fight like you, but when he raises his weapon… he's all warrior." She was standing outside hers and Garak's and Julian's and Ziyal's quarters. Worf had just come with posies and gagh to ask her to take him back. "And another thing! That Troi b-tch got to guest star! Was I invited for a cute little threesome in the jeffries tubes?! I don't think so." It was at this point the director cut in. "Terry, I realize you may not be coming back next year, but let's try to at least say these lines with some conviction." "Oh come off it. You just don't want to pay me a decent salary. If I'd gotten a closet scene like Rene and Nana, we wouldn't be having this discussion." "Enough! We'll leave it like it is for now. Keep shooting." Worf looked at his phaser rifle again. "Not you Woofie. You're on DS9 again. NO shooting without some sort of stupid vengeful reason unless you're the captain. And you never will be again! Get it?" "Urrr.." "Good. Continue." "You don't understand. I acted with honor," protested Worf. "Honor my ass." "That's what I wanted--" "Oh shut up. I'm outa here, just about missed my 3 o'clock orgy." She sauntered off, waving to Garak, who followed her to the holosuits. Scene 2: The Disney Franchise "What do you mean, no Attila on ice?" whined Dukat. "We can't reveal the masterpiece yet. They won't respect it," reminded Barney, another of the voices. "Plus, with the Borg's sequel to The Hunchback of Notre Dame, we really don't have the time to secure Katie Kirk as Aunt Illy the nun." "Maybe we should go back to animation, since that's the only thing we do well…" proposed Weyoun. "No, let's go destroy DS9." "Lovely idea." "We haven't tried that this week." "Maybe Odo will betray Kira again." "They're having sex now." "Oh, oops, keeping forgetting that." "Let's destroy them." "Yes lets." "Fat chance," said the last voice, but not one heard it. They wouldn't get far. Not if HE had anything to do with it. The group sauntered off in a really big seemingly invisible, excuse me, invincible ship. Scene 3: Operations for Dummies "What's our status chief? Or are you Smiley now?" "Actually, I'm the chief from five minutes from now." "Never mind. What's wrong with the station?" "Nothing captain." "You're lying. There's always *something* wrong with the station." "Oh, right. Yep, replicator's offline, plus, I still can't find any more elves." "Have you tried gummy worms instead?" "No sir." "Get to it. We're about ready for another fantasy weekend, and Kassidy is trapped on Tartarus 4. Apparently she caught up with Vash, who didn't like the idea of having someone in a happy relationship with a captain." O'Brien whistled in mock astonishment, and began his gummy hunt. Meanwhile, back in the closet… "I am not xenophobic," proclaimed Kira "yes you are." "No I'm not. If I was, then why am I here with you?" "Because I can make you start panting with a single tendril. And yes you are! Didn't you even watch resurrection?" "Well, I was too busy trying to ignore Bareil's haircut," said Kira. "That's not an excuse!" "Are you sure?! Did you even see him?" "Yes, you asked him out in front of my office," growled Odo. "Well how else were you supposed to be put in such a bad mood that only my kiss could ease your pain…" Odo and Kira snuggled under some coats they'd found conveniently placed in the closet, along with a four poster bed. It was one heck of a closet. "You two make me sick." HE drawled. "Forget it Q, you're not joining us." "I would never sink so low as to engage in your disgusting mortal procreation. However, I think it is time that you came out of the closet." They raised their eyebrows. "Not THAT closet. This closet. I'm here to issue a warning." "I'm scared," Odo gave his best constable sneer. "I'm serious. Disney is on the warpath." "They're bringing back Haley Mills?" "Worse." He gave a sadistic grin. "They've got ice-skates." Kira and Odo looked at each other in horror. "Hide the Children." "You don't have any." "Maybe not according to Paramount…" "Never mind the fanfic factor. But remember, the needs of the guest star outweigh the needs of the regular." With that he disappeared, leaving them safely outside the closet. You hear cries of agony from Quark's, and the sound of latinum exchanging hands. Kira and Odo ran to Sisko, who was trying to pick up one of the cuter looking elves. "Captain?" Odo tapped him on the shoulder. Sisko turned around, nearly falling off his barstool. "What do you want Constable, I'm kind of busy." "We had a visit from Q." "Where is that son of a targ!?" he made a few practice punches. "He's gone captain. But he visited us in the closet. And gave a warning." "When doesn't he? For some reason, he just loves to predict the fall of humanity. And does it work? No." "He said Disney was coming back. With ice-skates." "Independent Catastrophic Earwaxed Super Kitty Attack Teams Eating Smurfs?" asked Sisko. "The same. And they're wearing ice-skates!" "We've got to abandon the station captain," proclaimed Bashir. "The odds of us surviving--" "Shut up Julian. We have to fight," declared Sisko. "Does he sound like Kirk to anyone else?" grumbled O'Brien. "Shut up elf boy. Now what do we have to fight them?" "Ice cream cones. Lots and lots of ice cream cones." "Good thinking Molly! You get to be Wesley Crusher for this mission." "Yippee!" There was much glee from Molly, but for the first time, O'Brien considered strangling his daughter as an act of mercy. Oh well, to get the bloody cardies, he'd submit to having a Wesley on board. "But what about Q? He must play some role in this," reminded Dax. By this time, everyone had come back from their own passionate games to talk in the meeting room. No matter how they got there, people just drifted in that direction after awhile. "He'll tell us when he's good and ready. But he did say one more thing. "The needs of the guest star outweigh the needs of the regular." "Well we'll have several of those this episode, I wouldn't worry to much about that." "Is that it people?" "That's it captain." "Then let's get ready with those cones! Their chemical components should combine perfectly with the antimatter used in Cardassian weaponry. We'll have slushies for decades." They set to work on their various jobs, pushing random buttons that resulted with rain on Vulcan and palm trees on the founder homeworld. Oh well. Things went reasonably according to plan. That is, if you can account for the little blue men that kept shooting out of the Cardie caddy's exhaust pipe. Apparently not all of them were digested properly. It was a bloody battle. Each side lost many nameless redshirts, and the paint jobs were ruined. The Defiant managed to let the air out of the caddy's tires, but then they finished their supply of strawberry surprise sherbet. Finally, both ships were left adrift in space. It was time to negotiate. Dukat stepped onto the station, along with Weyoun, and his imaginary friends, Barney and Bob. Damar had been a traitor, going over to the Foxites to work on Anastasia. "Well captain, we seem to be rather at a standstill. But I assure you, more of our skaters will be coming over soon, and your station will be defenseless. Give us the cones," demanded Dukat. "Yeah. It doesn't mean I don't love you, or that you don't love me, but we want the cones," added Barney. "And I suppose you want the ice cream orbs to go along with them right?" "That would not be unreasonable." Dukat smiled serenely. "Not a chance!" Kira chimed in. Odo put an arm around her comfortingly, and she buried her face in the crook of his neck. Dukat ogled Kira's attired of a bedsheet. "You've done well for yourself Odo'ital." Kira looked up at Odo curiously. "Odo'ital?" "Would you quit with that name junk? My name's Odo'ital. It means nothing. It's a stupid name made up by a stupid scientist, but the writers won't let me forget what it means. Leave me alone!" he whimpered. Kira and Odo went back to cuddling and kissin and cutsey stuff while the rest of them kept talking. "Back to the subject at hand." Sisko spoke up. "We are not going to let you take our ice cream, or our cones, or anything. It's ours to eat as we please. So get off my station, you and your voices." "The needs of the guest star outweigh the needs of the regular…" a voice whispered. Sisko glared up at the ceiling. "So you keep telling us! But you lend nothing relevant to this story, so go away!" With a flash, Q appeared, and with another flash, Weyoun and Dukat were gone. Q wore a captain's uniform from TNG, because though the new look was good, it just didn't go with his complexion. "Why you've hit upon the point captain! And quickly this time!" "The point?" "Yes, that there is none. Except of course, John's paycheck, which I expect to be a large one!" Q glared at the director. "I still don't get it." "My point is that you need to realize the heart of this show lies not within the guest stars, but you. Except for Weyoun, 'cause he's a hottie." Dax grinned. "You can say that again!" Bashir and Garak gave puppy dog eyes. "But what about the 'the needs of the guest star outweigh the needs of the regular' speech?" asked Sisko. "Oh, that was just to encourage the producer to give m'boy Johnny a good salary. He's not getting much work done recently." "Right. That makes sense." Sisko shook his head. *No it doesn't* "Now, the orders I gave last time seemed to have gone astray, so let's get this done quickly so I can go back to Voyager and have sex with Kathryn. Woof, face it, you're pointless. There's an Enterprise E out there with your name on it." He snapped his fingers and disappeared. Not even Worf could jinx the next movie. "I see our little quadruplet is still happy and flushed?" There were enthusiastic nods from the four scantily clad persons. "And what about you, my starstruck changeling? Has Nerys fulfilled your every desire?" "She's still xenophobic." "So maybe you won't be taking her to meet the folks any time soon!" Odo grumbled a bit about not getting to see Jezebel for another 50 years, but the words were lost as Kira dragged him back to the closet. She was considering having it stay there. The closet was much more convenient than her quarters at the back of the habitat ring, and the decore was much more… suggestive. "Sisko, where is Kassidy? People have really warmed up to her." "I'm happier with the elf." "The elf is coming with me, we're returning it to Santa. Kassidy will be back in a week, Vash is ALSO coming with me." Sisko sighed, but said nothing. What was the point? "And that about sums it up. If I ever have to come back to this crummy station again, I swear to Q I'll be naked and human, so I would not evoke my wrath. Got it?" More enthusiastic nods. "Well then, adios." And he disappeared. "That was fun. But why don't I ever get to go with Q?" asked Dax. "I suppose he just doesn't like willing women old man. But I believe you've got a couple of fellas who'd just love to give you a few reasons to stay…" "A trill's got to do what a trill's got to do." And everyone drifted off into sexual euphoria, as most of the a.s.c. writers had been predicting from day one. Yes, it was a normal day on the Promenade. The Pointless End Comments are welcome, just please don't pelt me with rotten fruit. I'm on a veggi only diet.