the script to the next Star Trek film
written in 1993
Scene One
The USS Enterprise is under the command of Captain James T. Kirk and
is in orbit around the planet Chlymidya Two. Inhabitants of the planet
have recently developed odd health problems, caused by an unknown
disease.
On the bridge of the Enterprise:
| KIRK | "Mr. SPOCK, is the away team ready yet?" |
| SPOCK | "Not yet, Captain. Dr. MCCOY has yet to arrive."
|
MCCOY walks in.
| KIRK | "Dammit Bones, where the hell have you been?" |
| MCCOY | "Fuck off, fat boy. I've spent all morning trying to treat
the affected crew and I can't figure out what the hell is
wrong. Hell, even I've got this damn disease. The only
treatment I can find is to administer an anesthetic in the
effected area, and now half the crew is walking around
pissing in their uniforms!" |
| SPOCK | "You appear to have wet yourself as well, Doctor." |
| MCCOY | "Fuck off, you pointy eared cocksucker! Why don't you use
some of that damn bullshit logic of yours and help me find a
cure for this miserable sickness!" |
| KIRK | "Bones, calm down. That's an order." |
| MCCOY | "Why don't you double over and blow yourself, asshole. And
another thing - quit calling me Bones! I'm so sick of you
calling me Bones. Can't you come up with something more
original than that? Bones this, Bones that. How about if I
give you a bone to chew on, you bald-ass toupee wearing
fruitcake!" |
| KIRK | "Shut the hell up and get ready to beam down. You have the
bridge, Mr. Scott." |
| SCOTTY | "Aye, Captain." |
| MCCOY | "Oh, SURE. You call him Mr. Scott. You could call me Dr. McCoy every once in a fucking while, you know, or even just
Doctor!"
|
KIRK strikes MCCOY in the face with a tricorder.
| KIRK | "Listen up you cantankerous bastard, I'm the Captain and I'll
call you anything I damn well please! If I want to call you
Bones, I'll call you Bones, and if I want to call you
something else I will! Would you like to be called Shitface?
How about Needledick? Wait, I've got it! I'll call you
Rectalbreath!" (flipping open his communicator) "Kirk to
Rectalbreath! Are you there, Rectalbreath? Come in,
Rectalbreath!"
| MCCOY | (rubbing the bruise on his head) "Ok, ok, shut up. Let's get
on with this mission.
| |
KIRK, SPOCK and MCCOY head to the transporter room.
Scene Two
In the transporter room, MCCOY and SPOCK are standing on the
transporter pads which are covered with liquid and are shooting out
sparks and a healthy amount of smoke.
| KIRK | (pushing the communications button on the transporter
console) "Scotty, you better get down here. McCoy just pissed
on the transporter pad and now the damn thing won't work." |
| MCCOY | (stepping off the pad) "I'll be dipped in shit! You called me
McCoy!" |
| SCOTTY | (on the speaker) "Aye sir, I'll be right there." |
| KIRK | "Mr. Scott, on your way down, could you stop at the laundry
and pick up a pair of diapers for the constantly leaking
doctor?" |
| SCOTTY | (on the speaker) "Aye sir, I'll be down shortly." |
| SPOCK | (tinkering with the wet transporter pad) "Doctor, it appears
that your urinary discharge has shorted out the transporter
circuitry shipwide. It may be several hours before Mr. Scott
will be able to repair the damage." |
| KIRK | "Bones, you magnificent retard, you've done it this time. You
had better come up with a cure for this soon or we'll be in
space dock for months just cleaning the ship's carpets." |
| MCCOY | "Listen up, you bloated piece of shit, if I could figure out
what the hell was wrong I'd have cured myself by now! You
think I enjoy walking around with wet shorts?"
|
SCOTTY walks in with a mop and a pair of diapers.
| SCOTTY | "Here ya are, Dr. McCoy. One pair of diapers, guaranteed not
to leak for at least a couple of hours. I'll get to work
right away on the transporter, (glances at the small fire
that has erupted on the pad) but it doesn't look too good.
Perhaps you should take a shuttlecraft to the planet
instead." |
| KIRK | "Good idea. Bones, get those diapers on and meet us in
Shuttlebay Four." |
| SPOCK | (stepping off the pad) "May I suggest, doctor, that you
change your uniform as well. You are becoming somewhat
pungent." |
| MCCOY | "What a brilliant idea, you emotionless fuck. Of course I'm
going to change my uniform. Get out of my way, I've got to
get to my quarters." |
MCCOY storms out of the transporter room.
| KIRK | "Take care of the ship, Mr. Scott. We won't be gone long."
|
KIRK and SPOCK head out of the transporter room. SCOTTY shows obvious
signs of disgust as he mops the transporter pads.
Scene Three
KIRK, SPOCK and MCCOY are sitting in the shuttlecraft, preparing to
depart for the planet. SPOCK is sitting in the pilot's chair, while
KIRK and MCCOY relax in the cozy lounge area.
| KIRK | "So, Bones, what do you know about this mysterious disease?" |
| MCCOY | "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a chiropractor. I'm really
getting sick of this Bones crap." |
| KIRK | "I wanted to call you Rectalbreath but you didn't like that,
did you? I like calling you Bones. I mean, I really like
calling you Bones." |
| SPOCK | "Will you two kindly shut up? I am attempting a very delicate
manuver with this spacecraft." |
| KIRK | "Spock, we haven't even taken off yet." |
| SPOCK | (jiggling a lever under the console) "Very observant,
Captain. I am attempting to adjust the tilt steering wheel
and it is nearly impossible to find a comfortable setting." |
| KIRK | "You know, you two are a couple of whining babies." |
| SPOCK | "If I may point out, Captain, it is the doctor who is wearing
diapers, making him the obvious candidate for your insult." |
| MCCOY | "Listen up, you vulcan bastard, I'm not wearing these by
choice! In fact, I.. damn. I just wet myself again." |
| KIRK | "On that topic, Bones, tell me about this disease." |
| MCCOY | "It's really hell, Jim. It doesn't seem to be life
threatening, but it is literally a pain in the dick. I'm
pretty sure it's transmitted through sexual contact, but I
haven't been able to prove that yet." |
| KIRK | (nervously) "Through..sexual contact, you say?" |
| MCCOY | "Yeah, I was having a great time down there on the surface,
and I met this gorgeous girl with green skin and orange hair
and we went back to her place, and everything has been
downhill from there." |
| KIRK | (very nervously) "Most of the crew visited the planet during
our stay here, Bones. This could be a lot more serious than I
thought.. in fact, it could be really, really serious.." |
| SPOCK | (turning knobs on the console) "Captain, you visited the
surface several times. Is it possible that you have come in
contact with the virus as well?" |
| KIRK | (distraught) "It sure as hell is, Spock. Bones, have you been
able to find the girl that may have infected you?" |
| MCCOY | "Fuck no. You know how many girls have green skin and orange
hair on this planet? A hell of a lot, Jim. And quit calling
me Bones. |
| KIRK | "When we get to the surface, I've gotta find someone.. a few
people, actually. Bones, you have to tell me - how long does
it take for this to begin causing problems?" |
| MCCOY | "I'm not going to tell you a damn thing until you stop
calling me Bones." |
| KIRK | "Ok, ok.. Leonard, pleeeease tell me how long. How long do I
have?" |
| MCCOY | "Wow! Leonard. Nobody has called me Leonard in years. My
mother used to call me Leonard.." |
| KIRK | (grabbing MCCOY and shaking him vigorously) "HOW LONG?" |
| MCCOY | "Dammit Jim, you made me wet myself again. I don't know how
long, it could be a couple of days or it could be a couple of
hours. The incubation period is different for each person." |
| KIRK | "We'll have to move quickly. SPOCK! Why are we still sitting
in the shuttlebay?" |
| SPOCK | (still turning knobs) "I am having some difficulty tuning in
an acceptable radio station, Captain. It seems that the
inhabitants of this planet listen to music that I find highly
irritating." |
| KIRK | "Spock, if we're not in the air in ten seconds, I'm going to
rip your fucking ears off. Is that clear?" |
| SPOCK | (furiously pushing buttons) "Affirmative Captain. We should
be cleared for takeoff shortly." |
| KIRK | (jumping up and grabbing SPOCK's ears) "No, not shortly, we
are leaving NOW, Spock!" |
KIRK reaches over and hits a big red button and the little shuttlecraft
launches into space. The force of the launch sends KIRK tumbling to the
back of the ship, past a chuckling MCCOY.
| MCCOY | "Whee! Look at that blubber fly! Jim, remind me to get you on
a diet when we get back." |
| KIRK | (standing up and adjusting his hairpiece) "A diet? I'm not
overweight, I'm just a bit out of shape." |
| SPOCK | "Captain, I have observed that your uniform size has
increased significantly since we have served together." |
| KIRK | "Loose clothing is in style, and I'm a stylish kind of guy.
Now both of you shut the fuck up. That's an order." |
| SPOCK | "We are nearing the planet, Captain. Prepare for landing." |
| KIRK | "Excellent, Spock. I thought we'd never get there.
I..(doubling over in pain)..uh..ARRGHH! BONES!" |
| MCCOY | "Bones. He called me Bones again. What the fuck is wrong with
you? Don't you understand that I hate that fucking name?
Don't you have.." |
| KIRK | (grabbing his crotch and stumbling toward the front of the
ship) "Oh God.. Bones! Help me! It's got to be the disease!
It feels like my cock is going to explode!" |
| MCCOY | "You know, if you'd call me something other than Bones, I
might try to help you." |
| KIRK | (stumbling around aimlessly) "Jesus Christ! Bones, come on..
I mean, help me please!" |
| MCCOY | (smug and obviously enjoying watching KIRK in pain) "Hmm.. I
don't know, you called me Bones again.."
|
KIRK falls into the pilot's chair, knocking SPOCK into the console. SPOCK's head hits several buttons and the shuttlecraft begins to spin out of control.
| SPOCK | (shoving KIRK aside and feverishly pushing buttons) "Doctor,
I strongly suggest you help the Captain, or he could very
easily crash the ship and kill us all." |
| KIRK | (lying on the floor, grabbing his crotch in agony) "Help me..
Help me, um, (gasp) Leonard.." |
| MCCOY | (whipping out a really big needle) "That's my cue! Maybe from
now on, you'll learn to call me something I like!" |
MCCOY sticks the needle into KIRK's crotch and injects the anesthetic. KIRK screams in pain, and then goes limp with relief. SPOCK continues to try to regain control of the ship.
| SPOCK | (pushing buttons and sweating) "Captain, I do believe we're
in deep shit." |
| KIRK | "I don't care, I feel so much better, I.. uh oh." |
| MCCOY | (laughing and pointing) "Spock, the Captain has just pissed all over himself." |
| SPOCK | "Doctor, I would strongly suggest that you and the captain strap yourselves in. I am going to attempt a crash landing." |
| KIRK | "I don't think I can stand up.. I'm numb from the waist down." |
| MCCOY | (dragging KIRK into a chair and strapping him in, and then stapping himself into another chair) "Damn! I must have given
him too big a dose. You're going to be a barrel of fun on the surface, you piece of shit." |
| KIRK | "Speaking of shit.." |
| MCCOY | "Oh no! SPOCK! The captain has lost control of his colon!" |
| SPOCK | (still pushing lots of buttons) "The odor eminating from the captain's pants is clear evidence of that. Prepare for impact
in ten seconds." |
| MCCOY | "Great Scott Spock, we're heading for a city!" |
| SPOCK | (losing his composure but still pushing buttons)"If my calculations are correct, we will be landing in the middle of one of the busiest sections of this city. I do believe we will be responsible for flattening several people, at the least." |
| MCCOY | "Damn! I just wet myself again!" |
| KIRK | "Oh, that's nothing. I've been eating a lot of bran lately and I just.."
|
The shuttlecraft levels out and makes a crash landing in the middle of
a crowd, skidding for almost a mile and killing several hundred people
with green skin and orange hair. The shuttle comes to a stop less than
a mile from town.
Scene Four
The shuttle is covered with green skin and orange hair, and is severely
damaged. The door to the shuttlecraft flies open and MCCOY gets out,
looking at the path that the crash has left behind.
| MCCOY | "Look at this, SPOCK, a trail of green, orange and black."
| SPOCK | (getting out of the shuttle) "It is most disturbing, Doctor.
We do not have the medical supplies on hand to treat all
these casualties." (flipping open his communicator) "Spock to
Enterprise." |
| SCOTTY | (on speaker) "Scott here." |
| SPOCK | "By any chance, is the transporter operational yet?" |
| SCOTTY | "Good heavens no, I'm still cleanin out all the piss. It's
gonna take me a while to get it up and runnin." |
| SPOCK | "That is most disappointing, Mr. Scott. We have crash landed
on the planet and are apparently stranded here for the time
being." |
| SCOTTY | "You wrecked my shuttle?! You green-blooded bastard! That was
my favorite of 'em all! I'm gonna beat you to a pulp when I
get my hands on you!" |
| SPOCK | "I apologize for the damage to the shuttle, Mr. Scott.
However, we have a much larger problem on our hands. The captain has become infected with the disease, and Dr. McCoy has managed to inject him with an overdose of the anesthetic, leaving him numb from the waist down." |
| SCOTTY | "Don't tell me he's shittin in the ship!" |
| SPOCK | "I am afraid so, Mr. Scott." |
| MCCOY | "I didn't do it on purpose! It was an accident!" |
| SCOTTY | "I guess it's just not my day, now is it." |
| MCCOY | "Spock, I think we've got an even bigger problem. Look!"
| |
An angry mob of people with green skin and orange hair are headed
toward the crashed shuttle, most of them carrying baseball bats.
Scene Five
SPOCK and MCCOY have left KIRK in the shuttle and are running
down an empty road, with an angry mob in pursuit.
| MCCOY | (beginning to tire) "I feel kind of bad that we left the
Captain in the shuttle, Spock." |
| SPOCK | "It would have been highly illogical to attempt to drag him
along. There is no question that we would have all been
captured." |
| MCCOY | (panting) "They're still coming, Spock. Use that piece of
shit excuse for a brain and figure out what the hell to do!" |
| SPOCK | "I have a plan, Doctor. There is a vehicle approaching, and
we will commandere it. "
|
SPOCK pulls out his phaser and fires three shots through the windshield
of the vehicle. The vehicle stops and the door opens, revealing a
puzzled man with green skin and orange hair.
| MAN | "Um..can I help you?" |
| SPOCK | (pushing aside the driver) "I apologize for the damage to
your vehicle, but we are in a bit of a hurry and need to
leave the area." |
| MCCOY | (pushing the man into the back seat and getting in the
vehicle) "Get this thing moving, Spock, those people are
going to kick the shit out of us!" |
| MAN | "Uh..why are all those people chasing you? Are you in some
sort of trouble?" |
| SPOCK | "They must have mistaken us for someone else. It would be
most helpful, sir, if you would shut the fuck up. Doctor,
could you assist me?" |
| MCCOY | "Gladly, Spock."
|
MCCOY pulls out his phaser and stuns the man. The vehicle lurches into
motion, pulls a U-turn and heads away from the crowd at a high speed.
| MCCOY | "Thank god, Spock. We seem to have lost them, and it doesn't
even bother me that I've wet myself again." |
| SPOCK | "Doctor, the damp spot on your uniform tells me that your
diaper is no longer functioning properly." |
| MCCOY | "Oh fuck. Dammit, Spock, we've got to find a cure for this
fucking disease!" |
| SPOCK | (adjusting the vehicle's radio) "That would be a most logical
course of action. Unfortunately, the next city is several
days from here, and I do not believe the people at the city
we just left would be too happy to see us." |
| MCCOY | (flipping open his communicator) "Usually, Spock, I can't
stand that damn logic of yours, but in this case, I have to
agree. (pushing a button) McCoy to Enterprise." |
| SULU | "Enterprise here. Are you alright, Doctor?" |
| MCCOY | (fuming) "No, dammit, I'm not all right! We crashed our
shuttle, we lost the Captain, we're being pursued by an angry
mob of green people with orange hair and I keep pissing on
myself! I am quite far from alright!" |
| SULU | "Try to stay calm, Doctor. We are tracking your movements and
we'll get you out of there as soon as the transporter dries
out. What happened to the captain?" |
| MCCOY | "We left him in the shuttle with a phaser and a bottle of cheap vodka. With any luck, he's still alive but sloppy
drunk." |
| SULU | "We'll continue to try reaching him. Have you had any luck
finding a cure for the disease?" |
| MCCOY | "When would I have had time for that? I've been pretty
fucking busy, dickhead!" |
| SULU | "Understood, Doctor. We'll be in touch. Enterprise out." |
| SPOCK | "It appears that we may be here for some time, Doctor.
However, I have found an acceptable radio station." |
| MCCOY | (sarcastically) "Oh, well that is definately the answers to
our prayers, now isn't it! Thank god for the healing power of
music!" |
| MAN | (mumbling, beginning to awaken) "what the.." |
| MCCOY | (stunning the man again with his phaser) "Shut up! You're the
last thing I need to deal with now! God dammit, I've pissed
on myself again." |
| SPOCK | "I do believe we are a safe distance from the mob, Doctor.
Perhaps we should stop and assess the situation." |
| MCCOY | "Alright. How about stopping over there at that little
building? Maybe someone inside can be of some assistance." |
| SPOCK | "It is worth investigating."
|
The vehicle pulls up at the building.
Scene Six
On board the Enterprise, more of the crew fall victim to the illness
every hour.
| SCOTTY | (over the loudspeaker) "This is Chief Engineer Scott,
currently in command of the ship. All personnel are herby
restricted to quarters until further notice. I'm tired of
havin my engineers occupied by havin to clean piss outta
everything." |
| UHURA | "Mr. Scott, we are still unable to reach the Captain. There
is a chance that he may have been abducted." |
| SCOTTY | "Oh, fuck'em. He's a useless slab of roast beef anyway.
What's the status of Mr. Spock and Doctor McCoy?" |
| SULU | "They have stopped their vehicle and entered a small building
several kilometers from the city. It appears that they are
safe." |
| SCOTTY | "Ah, good. The damn transporter's still not quite dry from
Dr. McCoy's little accident, and it's gonna be a while before
we can beam em up. How are the medical teams coming with a
cure for this disease?" |
| CHEKHOV | "Zey haven't made much progress, I am afraid. It zeems to be
an elusive ailment." |
| SCOTTY | "Chekhov, how come we meet aliens all the time who can speak
better english than you?" |
| CHEKHOV | "I might ask you ze same zing, Mr. Scott." |
| SCOTTY | "Aye, you've got yerself a point, Mr. Chekhov. Keep me
posted, I'm headed back to the transporter with a hairdryer."
|
Scene Seven
KIRK is trapped in the shuttlecraft, and thousands of green people with
orange skin are angrily beating on the outside of the little ship with
baseball bats.
| KIRK | (lying on the floor of the shuttle, chugging vodka from a big
plastic bottle) "Shut Up out there! Stop making all that
noise! Goddammit, I've just shit in my pants again! If only I
could move.. oh fuck it, at least I'm drunk. Hahahaha! Look
at me, you ignorant fools! I'm pissing like a racehorse,
right here, in my pants!"
|
The mob continues to beat on the shuttle, and KIRK continues to laugh
hysterically, occasionally pausing to drink vigorusly from the vodka
bottle.
Scene Eight
SPOCK and MCCOY are calmly sitting at a table in the building,
pondering the mysterious disease plaguing the occupants of the planet
and the crew of the Enterprise.
| MCCOY | "Got any ideas who might live here, Spock?" |
| SPOCK | "None, doctor. Although, judging by the tasteless furnishings
and decorations, it would be my guess that the occupants of
this structure are of low intelligence." |
| MCCOY | "Gotta agree with you there, Spock. Although, I must admit I
am somewhat fond of the velvet painting on the wall." |
| SPOCK | "That painting is quite possibly the most disgusting attempt
at art that I have ever seen." |
| MAN | "I like that painting!" |
| SPOCK | "Doctor! Quickly, stun him again!" |
| MAN | (ducking behind a chair) "Come on! Don't stun me in my own
house!" |
| MCCOY | "You live here?" |
| MAN | "Where the hell do you think I was coming from?" |
| SPOCK | "Quite logical, Doctor." |
| MCCOY | "Shut the fuck up and stick your logic up your ass. It's
okay, mister. I won't stun you again. Say, you got a bathroom
around here?" |
| MAN | "Third door on the left." |
| MCCOY | "Hey, this guy's ok. (MCCOY gets up and heads for the
bathroom.) Sorry about stunning you before." |
| MAN | (sitting down in the chair MCCOY has just vacated) "Oh,
that's alright. Say, why is this chair wet?" |
| SPOCK | "Sir, we are from the Starship Enterprise, and we are
attempting to find a cure for a most puzzling disease that
has stricken our crew. It seems that it is sexually
transmitted and-" |
| MAN | "Oh, the pain-in-the-dick disease? Yeah, lots of people have
that. No idea where it came from, it just showed up about two
weeks ago." |
| SPOCK | "Fascinating. Our ship arrived at your planet roughly two
weeks ago." |
| MAN | "Sounds to me like you bastards may have caused this little
plague!" |
| SPOCK | "We are many things, sir, but we are not bastards." |
| MAN | "Okay, how about if I call you dickheads! Assholes? Fucking
cocksuckers! You're all a bunch of flaming faggots!" |
| SPOCK | (pulling out his phaser) "I am afraid I disagree."
|
SPOCK shoots the man, vaporizing him. He puts away his phaser and
begins making himself a cup of coffee. MCCOY returns from the bathroom.
| MCCOY | "Hey, that coffee smells good. Where did that guy go?" |
| SPOCK | "I was forced to kill him, doctor." |
| MCCOY | "I see. And what burst of logic allowed you to arrive at the
conclusion that you had to kill him?" |
| SPOCK | "He was a rude, insulting piece of shit. However, he did give
me a very important piece of information. The disease was not
present on the planet prior to our arrival." |
| MCCOY | "No kidding? Well, we oughta go look around on the ship!" |
| SPOCK | "Quite logical. (pulling out his communicator) Spock to
Enterprise."
| SCOTTY | "Enterprise here, Mr. Spock. We've got the transporters
workin' again. Ready to beam ya up when ya want." |
| MCCOY | (yelling into SPOCK's communicator) "Get us the hell out of
here, Scotty!" |
| SPOCK | "I agree. Please beam us up immediately." |
| SCOTTY | "Aye. Prepare for transport."
| |
MCCOY and SPOCK stand up and are beamed to the ship.
Scene Nine
Dr. MCCOY and Mr. SPOCK appear on the transporter pad.
| SCOTTY | "Doctor, get the hell off that pad before ya piss again, I'm
not goin through all that bullshit again." |
| MCCOY | (jumping off the pad) "I gotta get to the laundry. This
diaper gave out about an hour ago and I'm drippin all over
the place." |
| SCOTTY | (mopping up the droplets on the pad) "No shit, doctor. Get
yerself outta here. We've got the washing machines on full
blast cause you're not the only one with this little
problem."
|
MCCOY heads for the laundry.
| SPOCK | "I am sorry to report that our mission to the surface was
less than a success, Mr. Scott." |
| SCOTTY | "Well, let's see here. You two blew up my transporter, you
crashed my favorite shuttle and killed a couple dozen people
in the process.." |
| SPOCK | (interrupting) "Several hundred would be a better estimate." |
| SCOTTY | "Okay, so ya killed several hundred people, you left the
captain to wallow in his own excrement, and you stole some
poor guy's vehicle." |
| SPOCK | "To be completely accurate, we commandeered his vehicle,
stunned him repeatedly, broke into his house, and then killed
him." |
| SCOTTY | "Wonderful. Just fucking wonderful, Mr. Spock. And you don't
have a cure for this disease yet either. You're a credit to
your race." |
| SPOCK | "I have a theory, which I will attempt to implement shortly.
Right now, we must attempt to rescue the captain. Here are
the coordinates for the shuttle." |
| SCOTTY | "Aye. Let's see what kind of a mess we beam up."
|
SCOTTY presses a bunch of buttons and KIRK begins to materialize, along
with two people with green skin and orange hair and baseball bats.
| SCOTTY | "Good lord, Spock! Stun those two!" |
| SPOCK | (shooting the two green guys) "Are you alright, Captain?" |
| KIRK | (slurring) "I'm drunk, my pants are full of shit, I've been
pissing all over myself for hours and two guys were just
about to club me to death. Oh, I'm just fucking fine, you
worthless piece of Vulcan garbage!" |
| SCOTTY | (pressing the communicator button) "This is Mr. Scott. I need
a medical team, a security team, and a janitor in the
transporter room immediately." |
| KIRK | "Hahaha! I just pissed all over myself again!"
|
The transporter pad begins to smoke and shoot sparks.
| SCOTTY | "Aw, captain, you fucking drunken dickhead, you've blown up
the transporter again. We shoulda just left ya down there."
| SPOCK | "Under the circumstances, I feel I must agree with you, Mr.
Scott." |
| KIRK | "Get me to my quarters, I think I'm gonna puke."
| |
The medical team enters and carries off the beligerent captain. SCOTTY
looks sadly at the burning transporter as the janitors enter and begin
mopping up the mess. The security team comes in and carries off the two
guys with green skin and orange hair.
| SPOCK | "I am afraid I must conduct some business on the bridge, Mr.
Scott. How long do you think it will take to get the
transporter back on line?" |
| SCOTTY | "Oh, go fuck yourself, you pointy eared son-of-a-bitch. It's
gonna take me just as long as it did last time." |
| SPOCK | "Understood. Good luck."
|
SPOCK heads for the bridge.
Scene Ten
| KIRK | (voiceover) "Captain's log, stardate 90210.666. I have fully
recovered from my vodka bender, but I, along with many of the
crew, are still battling with this terrible, painful,
disgusting disease. Those effected are miserable and unable
to perform their duties, as well as being unable to sit in a
chair without wrapping it in plastic first. Dr. McCoy and
Mr. Spock have been working around the clock to find a cure,
but they have had no luck as of yet. I can only pray that
they find something soon. It also appears that I have wet
myself again."
|
SPOCK walks in.
| KIRK | "Well Mr. Spock? Anything? Please tell me you've found
something." |
| SPOCK | "I am afraid not, captain. We have made no progress, and the
doctor continues to wet himself." |
| KIRK | "Along with myself and half the crew, Spock Something has
got to be done or we'll be quarrantined for life to this
shitty little planet." |
| CHEKHOV | "Captain! Zomezing is appearing on the zenzors!"
| KIRK | "On screen, Mr. Chekhov."
| |
A bright flash appears on the screen and changes into a tunnel-like shape.
| SULU | "Captain! I'm losing control of the ship. We're being sucked
in." |
| KIRK | "Full reverse, Mr. Sulu!" |
| SULU | "It's no use, captain. We're going in." |
| KIRK | "Red alert! Mr. Scott and a janitor to the bridge!" |
| SPOCK | "Have you wet yourself again, captain?" |
| KIRK | "Yes, Spock, I have. Why don't you shut up and figure out
what this thing is?" |
| SPOCK | "If I were human, my response would probably be `Fuck you,
lard-ass.'"
|
The Enterprise floats into the tunnel and is sucked inside.
Scene Eleven
All is peaceful aboard the space station Deep Space Nine. Commander
Benjamin Sisko is sitting in his office discussing the benefits of
shapeshifting with Odo, his chief of security.
| ODO | "Commander, that last remark was quite offensive. I usually
do not take offense to anything, but I do believe you've
pissed me off." |
| SISKO | "I don't understand, Odo. Are you trying to tell me that you
have not completely mastered the art of shapeshifting?" |
| ODO | "I can handle the human form, but I still have not mastered
the art of duplicating all the human appendages." |
| SISKO | "So, what are you trying to tell me, Odo?" |
| ODO | "You're pissing me off again, dammit." |
| SISKO | "Come on, Odo. I'm dying with curiosity." |
| ODO | (fuming mad) "OK, shithead, I'll tell you. I'm having trouble
creating a penis of acceptable size." |
| SISKO | "What!" |
| ODO | "I'm serious. I can only create a penis that is...one inch in
length." |
| SISKO | (trying not to laugh) "Well Constable, it's not the size of
the organ, it's the cathedral you play it in." |
| ODO | "Shut the fuck up. This isn't funny. Even the holodeck women
have been laughing at me." |
| SISKO | "That explains the destroyed holodecks." |
| ODO | "Yes, I have lost my temper...on several occasions."
|
The wormhole opens outside Sisko's window. A ship emerges.
| SISKO | "Odo, do you recognize that ship?" |
| ODO | "No.. it appears to be Starfleet, but I am unaware of any
ship returning from the Gamma quadrant." |
| SISKO | (hitting the communicator) "Sisko to Ops." |
| O'BRIEN | "O'brien here, Commander. What's up?" |
| SISKO | "Chief, are we expecting a ship back from the Gamma quadrant?" |
| O'BRIEN | "Not to me knowledge, Commander." |
| SISKO | "Check the sensors and make contact with the ship that just
came through the wormhole." |
| O'BRIEN | "I'll check it out, sir. O'Brien out." |
| SISKO | "Let's get to Ops, Odo."
|
Odo turns into a liquid and pours through a vent.
| SISKO | "I wish he'd cut that out."
|
Scene Twelve
on the Enterprise.
| KIRK | "SPOCK, you worthless piece of shit, where the fuck are we?" |
| SPOCK | "Captain, I have no idea. I am trying everything I can to
determine our position but I don't have a fucking clue." |
| MCCOY | (entering through the door) "Dammit Captain, now what have
you done?" |
| KIRK | "Shut up, Bones, I don't need your bullshit right now." |
| MCCOY | (throwing a tricorder at KIRK and hitting him in the head)
"Fuck you! Fuck you, you goddamn fat slovenly bastard! Can't
you come up with a new nickname for me? I never want to hear
Bones again!" |
| KIRK | (picking up the tricorder and throwing it back, hitting MCCOY
in the balls) "I'm the Captain and I'll call you what I want,
Bones, you backward-ass hick!" |
| CHECKOV | "Captain! Zere is a mezzage coming in!" |
| MCCOY | (picking up the tricorder and throwing it back, hitting KIRK
in the back of the head) "You are quite possibly the biggest
dickhead I've ever met!" |
| KIRK | (picking up the tricorder) "On screen, Mr. Chekhov."
|
Scene Thirteen
on DS9, Sisko, Odo and OBrien are standing near the viewscreen. It
comes on to an image of the Enterprise bridge. KIRK is holding a
tricorder.
| SISKO | "This is Deep Space Nine. Identify yourself, please." |
| KIRK | (throwing the tricorder at MCCOY, hitting him in the eye)
"This is the Federation Starship Enterprise. I'm Captain
James T..."(MCCOY throws the tricorder back and it bounces
off the back of KIRK's head)"..Kirk! Deep Space what?"
| SISKO | "Um..the Federation space station Deep Space Nine. What ship
did you say you were?" |
| KIRK | (throwing the tricorder forcefully, missing MCCOY and blowing
out one of the monitors on the wall with a small explosion)
"Um..Enterprise. NCC-1701. You're a Federation station? I've
never hear of Deep Space Nine." |
| O'BRIEN | "Good lord, Commander. That's Captain Kirk! They're all
supposed to be dead 70 years ago!" |
| KIRK | "What was that, Irish guy?" |
| SISKO | "Perhaps you should beam over. I think we need to talk." |
| MCCOY | "We can't do that! We're all infected with a fucked-up
disease and the only cure we can find makes us lose control
of our bladders and colons!" |
| ODO | "Good lord. These people are not in good shape." |
| SISKO | "How did you get here, Captain?" |
| KIRK | "We got sucked into some giant tunnel. Mind telling me where
we are?" |
| SISKO | "Well, it looks like you've come 70 years into the future." |
| MCCOY | "Oh, that's just fucking great! Look what you've done now,
you bloated sack of shit!" |
| KIRK | (ripping an arm off his chair and throwing it at MCCOY) "Shut
up! Listen, um, Sisko?" |
| SISKO | "Yes, Captain?" |
| KIRK | "You wouldn't happen to have a doctor on board, would you?" |
| SISKO | "Yes, Doctor Julien Bashir. Could you use some medical
attention?" |
| KIRK | (getting hit in the head by the arm of the chair, thrown by
MCCOY) "Our doctor is" (turning toward MCCOY) "QUITE FUCKING
USELESS these days. We need a cure for this quickly."
| SISKO | "Download your medical logs to the station and we'll see what
we can do." |
| KIRK | (picking up the arm of the chair and throwing it at MCCOY)
"Thanks. We need help." (the arm hits MCCOY, knocking him
unconscious) |
| SISKO | "Uh..Right. I take it this disease causes irritability as
well?" |
| KIRK | "If you kept shitting your pants uncontrollably, you'd be
irritable too! KIRK out!"
| | |
The viewer goes blank.
| SISKO | "Good lord, Odo. The Constitution-class Enterprise arrives
with the great Captain KIRK aboard. Personally, I'm not too
impressed with that crew." |
| ODO | "They did not seem to be abiding by Starfleet codes of
conduct." |
| O'BRIEN | "Better get the doc up here quick. I'll see if I can figure
out how they got here." |
| SISKO | "Hey Odo, don't you feel better after seeing these poor saps?" |
| ODO | "Absolutely. My little problem seems so minor."
|
Scene Fourteen
In the sick bay of Deep Space Nine, the doc is fixing Kira's head,
which has been sliced open quite badly.
| BASHIR | "Major, could you tell me again how this happened?" |
| KIRA | "Are you deaf? I said I cut myself shaving." |
| BASHIR | "No, this appears to have been caused by an axe." |
| KIRA | "An Axe! Yes, um, I usually shave with an axe." |
| BASHIR | "Do you even know what an axe is?" |
| KIRA | (jumping up and screaming) "Okay ASSHOLE, I'll tell you. I
was in the holodeck playing my favorite program, and I had
the safety off. I got hit by a big Klingon thing with blades
and spikes all over it. I'M NOT PROUD of being beaten up by
a.. by a hologram." |
| BASHIR | "What kind of holgram was it?" |
| KIRA | (staring blankly at him) "I don't want to tell you that." |
| BASHIR | "Sit down, Major. Now that I know how it happened, I can
treat it properly. I can heal this up rather quickly." |
| KIRA | (sitting down, Bashir begins fixing her head again) "Thank
you, doctor." |
| BASHIR | "No problem. (pauses.) This holodeck program, was it a battle
program?" |
| KIRA | (excited) "It's a wonderful program, where I get to kill all
the.. um, holograms." |
| BASHIR | "I don't understand what the big secret is here." |
| KIRA | (standing up, screaming again) "Okay ASSHOLE, it's the
program where I kill all the men and have an orgy with the
women! I'm a fucking lesbian, asshole! My secret is out!" |
| BASHIR | (sternly) "Sit down, Major. Your injury is not healed." |
| KIRA | (sitting down quietly, staring blankly at the floor) "Right..
my injury." |
| BASHIR | (begins working on her head again) "I'll have this taken care
of shortly. So, you're a lesbian?"
|
Kira gets up and beats the shit out of Bashir.
In the background, the com-panel continues to call to the doctor.
| SISKO | (over the speaker) "Doctor, are you there?"
|
Scene Fifteen
on the bridge, Sisko and Odo are standing at the com-panel.
| SISKO | "I can't get ahold of the doctor. What's wrong down there?" |
| ODO | "I'll go down and find out."
|
Odo changes into a slinky and heads down the stairs.
| SISKO | "Damn, I wish he'd cut that out." |
| KIRA | (on the speaker) "Bridge, this is Kira." |
| SISKO | "Go ahead, Kira. Are you in the infirmary?" |
| KIRA | "No, commander, I'm a fucking LESBIAN! I'm a mother-fucking
LESBIAN! Ha ha!" |
| SISKO | "um..That's very interesting, Major. What prompted you to
announce this to me?" |
| KIRA | "It only went to you? Let me fix that!"
|
The speaker turns off.
Most of the lights on the pannel suddenly illuminate, and Kira's voice
begins booming throughout the station.
| KIRA | "Attention everyone, this is Major Kira, first officer of
Deep Space Nine. I..AM..A..LESBIAN! What do you think of
that? I'm a fucking LESBIAN!" |
| SISKO | (over the speakers also) "This is Commander Sisko. Please
ignore anything said over the speakers for a while. We'll
have this under control soon." |
| KIRA | (over the speaker) "Whatever, Commander! I plan to announce
this all day! I'd better announce it again!
I..AM..A..LESBIAN! Whee! Wanna hear it again?
I..AM..A..LESBIAN! Whoo-hoo!" |
| SISKO | "O'Brien, what can I do to shut her up?" |
| O'BRIEN | "She's locked us out, commander. We'd have to override her
signal with something." |
| SISKO | "Like what?" |
| O'BRIEN | "Anything.. a test signal, static, music.." |
| SISKO | "Music..hmm. (begins pushing buttons and smiling) I've always
wanted an excuse to do this. Computer?"
(The computer beeps happily.) "Musical selection. Brown,
first name James." |
| COMPUTER | "James Brown. Mid-Twentieth Century American soul singer.
Born 1935 in Alabama, died in 2004 in a freak hot tub
accident. Songs include.." |
| SISKO | "Sex Machine, extended play."
|
James Brown songs begin blasting throughout the station. Sisko begins
to boogie.
Scene Sixteen
In the infirmary, Kira spinning around, screaming and occasionally
kicking Bashir, who is lying unconscious on the floor. James Brown is
playing quite loudly over the speakers.
| KIRA | "AAAARRGH! I hate this fucking music! Make it stop!" |
| ODO | (materializing from the wall) "Major, calm yourself." |
| KIRA | "Odo! Wonderful, shapeshiftable Odo! Be a woman for me, Odo!
Please?" |
| ODO | "Oh, what the hell. I can't grow a penis bigger than an inch
anyway."
|
Odo morphs into Sandra Bernhard and falls to the ground with Kira.
Doctor Bashir begins to come to.
| BASHIR | (lying on the ground, severly bruised) "What the hell is this?" |
| ODO | "I'll take care of him."
|
Odo's head morphs into a really big leaf-blower, and blows Bashir out
of the infirmary and down the hallway.
Scene Seventeen
on the bridge of DS9.
| KIRK | (on viewscreen) "We've sent you the medical logs, Commander.. we haven't heard from your doctor yet." |
| SISKO | (still dancing) "We haven't heard from him either. He's in the infirmary with Major Kira, who just announced to the
whole station that she is a lesbian." |
| KIRK | "Um..he's trapped in there with a lesbian? That can't be much fun for him, can it?" |
| SISKO | "I'm sure he's not enjoying himself. Major Kira can get pretty violent." |
| KIRK | "I fear the worst. Do I hear James Brown over there?" |
| SISKO | "Absolutely! It's the best, don't you agree?" |
| KIRK | "I don't know.. oh shit, I just wet myself again." |
| SISKO | "We'll get to your problem soon, Captain. Give us a little
time." |
| KIRK | "I can't believe this." |
| CHEKHOV | "Captain! Enemy Wessel Approaching!"
|
A Klingon bird-of-prey glides up to the station.
Scene Eighteen
on the bridge of the Enterprise.
| KIRK | "Shields up! Red alert!" |
| SPOCK | "We have come into the future, Captain. Perhaps we are not at
war with the Klingons anymore." |
| KIRK | "Or, perhaps we are! Open a channel!" |
| CHEKHOV | "Channel open, Captain!"
|
A Klingon appears on the screen, replacing the dancing Sisko and James
Brown music.
| K'ORN | "I am Captain K'Orn. Why are you at Red Alert? Why are you
wearing such funny uniforms? Why are your pants wet?" |
| KIRK | "So many questions, Korn, is it? Are we at war with you?" |
| K'ORN | "What? War? Uh..Ok, yeah! We're at war! Fuck You!"
|
The Klingon ship lines up its sights with the Enterprise.
| SISKO | (on screen) "No, K'Orn! You're not at war with him! He's
okay, don't shoot him!" |
| K'ORN | (on screen) "Hey, he just said we're at war. Don't I get one
shot? Come on, just one.." |
| SISKO | (dancing again on screen) "Alright, one shot. Just one,
though." |
| K'ORN | (On screen, grinning) "Okay! Eat this, fat boy!" |
| KIRK | "What the hell, Sisko?"
|
a blast from the Klingon ship hits the Enterprise, but doesn't really
do any damage. The ship shakes violently for a few seconds, though.
Scene Nineteen
On the bridge of the slightly shaken Enterprise.
| KIRK | "SCOTTY! Damage report!" |
| SCOTTY | "We got six people shittin on the floor and the rest are
a'wallowin in their own piss. I don't think I can put an
estimate on the damages on that." |
| KIRK | "Is there any damage to the ship?" |
| SCOTTY | "Well, by the looks of things, they've only done damage to one aspect of the ship, and I'm not sure you're going to like
it." |
| KIRK | "What..is it, Scotty? I can handle it." |
| SCOTTY | "It's the paint job, sir." |
| KIRK | "The..paint job?" |
| SCOTTY | "I'm afraid so, sir." |
| KIRK | "What could they have possibly done to the paint? Scratched it? Burned it? Put holes in it? What, Scotty, what?" |
| SCOTTY | "They've covered it, sir." |
| KIRK | "Covered it with what?" |
| SCOTTY | "I'm afraid the Enterprise has been painted pink, sir. They hit us with paint bombs, laughed hysterically at us and then just flew away without a scratch." |
| KIRK | "Those...Bastards! We'll get 'em, Scotty, Somehow we'll..oh, who am I kidding. I just shit my pants again." |
| SCOTTY | "No, Captain. We'll get even with 'em, or we'll get somebody else just to pass on the misery. Don't you worry, Captain. I got a plan." |
| KIRK | "You always do. You should have been a doctor, you could have
fixed this little problem by now." |
| SCOTTY | "You take care of that, Captain. And do it quick. I'll be
workin on our revenge."
|
Scene Twenty
Bridge of DS9.
Dax is dragging Bashir from the elevator.
| DAX | "I found him in the hallway, mumbling something about Sandra Bernhard turning into a leaf blower. He's really out of it." |
| SISKO | (kneeling down to Bashir) "Doctor, can you hear me?" |
| BASHIR | "Commander..the station is suffering from an outbreak of lesbianism. I don't know how to cure it." |
| SISKO | "That's ridiculous, Julian. Look, Dax isn't a lesbian." |
| DAX | "Well, I used to be a man." |
| BASHIR | "See?" |
| SISKO | "Shut up, both of you. Julian, what happened down there?" |
| BASHIR | "Rampant lesbianism! Kira turned into a lesbian and beat the shit out of me!" |
| SISKO | "That's not why. She beat you up because she doesn't like you." |
| BASHIR | "Right! Lesbianism!" |
| SISKO | "This is going nowhere, Dax. Give him a sedative and throw him down the stairs." |
| DAX | "Right, commander. " |
Dax shoots Bashir with a tranquilizer and drags him to the stairs and gives him a kick. Bashir tumbles down the stairs.
| SISKO | "Computer, new selection. Licking Stick, extended play." |
The computer cranks it up.
| DAX | "Are those medical logs here from the Enterprise yet?" |
| SISKO | (dancing) "They're in the station computer. Have a look." |
| DAX | (punches buttons, report appears on screen) "Oh my god. This is awful." |
| SISKO | "What is it?" |
| DAX | (laughing) "They've all got VD! They've all got a venereal disease that's sexually transmitted! One of my previous
hosts had it and thought the devil had taken over his body and.." |
| SISKO | (stops dancing) "If it's sexually transmitted and they've all transmitted it to each other, does that mean that they're all gay?" |
| DAX | (shocked) "Oh my god, Julian was right! It's not just lesbianism, this turns everybody into a homosexual!" |
| SISKO | (starts dancing again and checking out Dax) "I don't feel affected." |
| DAX | "You're a pig, Benjamin. I don't feel affected either, but I was a man a few times too so I can't tell." |
| SISKO | "I've always thought that was wierd, Dax. So, is there a cure for this VD thing?" |
| DAX | "Yes, it's very simple. (presses a button, KIRK comes on the screen) Captain, I think I have a solution to your problem." |
| KIRK | "You do? Thank god. What is it?"
|
the door opens behind KIRK and MCCOY stumbles in with an armload of
oranges.
| MCCOY | "You cocksucker! (MCCOY fires an orange at KIRK and misses)" |
| DAX | "I'm transmitting it now to your medical computer. I see the doctor is occupied.. is there someone down there to
administer the treatment?" |
| KIRK | (picks up an orange and throws it back at MCCOY, who continues to throw fruit) "Yes, our nurse can take care of
it. Will that completely cure us?" |
| DAX | "We're not sure. It seems that this virus also turns everybody into a homosexual." |
| CHEKHOV | "Oh, no wonder I've been having these feelings for you, Mr.
Sulu!"
| SULU | "I've been feeling the same way, Chekhov." |
| KIRK | "No, no, NO! You two get down to sick bay NOW! Dax, thank you for (gets hit in the head by an orange) You Fucker! You're dead!" (KIRK begins madly picking up oranges and firing them back at MCCOY.) |
| DAX | "I see you're busy, Captain. I'll get back to you."
| |
(shuts off the screen)
| SISKO | (still dancing) "We should get down to the infirmary and find
out what's going on." |
| DAX | "All right. If you start deciding that men look good, let me
know."
|
Scene Twentyone
Odo still looks like Sandra Bernhard and is sitting on the floor next
to Kira. They're both smoking. The door opens.
| DAX | "Oh..um..Hi Kira. Who's your friend?" |
| ODO | (morphing back into himself and standing up) "Hello, Dax. I
was just sitting here talking to the Major." |
| KIRA | "Talking..did we do any of that?" |
| ODO | "Shut up, Major..She is somewhat delic-er-delirious, Dax. She needs
medical attention." |
| SISKO | (dances in) "Oh hello, Major. Odo! Where have you been?" |
| ODO | "Um, Here commander. I helped calm Major Kira down." |
| KIRA | "Yeah, you did that.." |
| SISKO | "Major, we think you might have a virus that turned you into
a lesbian." |
| KIRA | "A virus? No way! I've always been a lesbian. I just decided
that I'd announce it to the universe today! (yelling) I'M A
LESBIAN, EVERYONE!" |
| DAX | "Maybe this isn't a virus, it's just Kira going nuts." |
| SISKO | "I think you're right. Confine her to quarters until she
regains her sanity." |
| DAX | "What if she still thinks she's a lesbian?" |
| SISKO | "Are you thinking about asking her for a date?" |
| ODO | "Sorry to interrupt, but I've got to, um, I've got to run.
Goodbye, Major." |
| SISKO | "Odo, before you go, could you take the Major to her
quarters?" |
| ODO | (sweating) "Oh, I think I can do that." |
Odo picks Kira off the floor and leaves quickly.
Scene Twentytwo
A short time later, on the Enterprise bridge:
KIRK walks onto the bridge and trips over an orange-covered MCCOY.
| KIRK | "Why is he still there? Would someone please clean this mess
up?"
| SPOCK | "Captain, I think the doctor may be dead."
| KIRK | "Well, he's still in the way."
| SPOCK | "Checkov and Sulu can move him when they return."
| KIRK | "Right. "
| | | | |
Sisko appears on the viewscreen.
| SISKO | "Captain, I hope everything turned out well over there." |
| KIRK | "Yes, the shot has fixed everything. I feel fine." |
| SISKO | "We were mistaken about the homosexuality part. It seems we had a seperate problem on our hands." |
| KIRK | "Well, I never felt like that anyway, but I think some of my crew have." (CHEKHOV and SULU walk in.) "Speak of the devil. Hey, you two, pick up the dead, orange doctor and get him out of here." |
CHEKHOV and SULU drag the doctor off the bridge.
| KIRK | "So, anyway.. I wanted to thank you for letting that Klingon paint my ship pink. That was a real sweet gesture." |
| SISKO | "No problem. I thought you'd enjoy that." |
| KIRK | "Oh? You thought we'd enjoy that? Well, we didn't. But, we can return the favor." |
| SISKO | "Um, there's no need to do that." |
Suddenly, piles of manure begin to materialize on the bridge of DS9.
| KIRK | "We were going to just shoot this into space, but we came up with a better place for it." |
| SISKO | (sniffing and cringing) "Oh shit!" |
| KIRK | "That's right! Lots of it! We've been shitting our pants for days, and we saved it all for you!" |
| SISKO | (dodging piles of shit that keep forming) "No! Stop it! I'm sorry about the paint!" |
| KIRK | "Scotty, now!" |
A huge pile of shit materializes over Sisko's head and then drops
directly on him.
| SISKO | (covered with shit) "Oh my god!" |
| KIRK | "Nice meeting you, dickhead! Mr. Spock, set a course for that thing that brought us here." |
| SPOCK | "Course laid in, Captain." |
| KIRK | "Ahead full impulse. Maybe some of this paint will come off when we hit warp." |
The wormhole opens and the Enterprise goes in.
The Enterprise heads back to Chlymidia Two and cures everybody.
The End.
|