Defiant Adventures
By Chrysa, Amy, and Regina (who will receive any feedback via Chrysa)

Disclaimer: Paramount and half a dozen other companies and people own DS9 and they wouldn't touch this fic with a ten foot pole and a tranquilizer gun. Several things in here aren't ours and we fully acknowledge that and give credit to those who deserve it. (even if we don't quite know who those people are. ^_^) This story and the words that go to this version of the Gilligan Island song belong to us.

This originally started as a the-ops-crew-is-bored-again fic by me(chrysa). Then I got Amy in on it and then we brought in Regina. So now it's an insane round robin closely resembling our chatroom conversations.

WE rate this R for suggestive comments, political incorrectness, and just plain idiocy. ^_^

See kids, this is what too much soda, chocolate and Bajoran pygmies will do to you. ^_^

Defiant Adventures
By Chrysa, Amy, and Regina

It was a typical Monday morning in Ops. Chief O'Brien's curses were as colorful as ever as he worked on the replicator. Worf was his usual unhappy self as he sat at his console. Ezri Dax, feeling an urge to sit at Jadzia's old station, was happily fiddling with the view screen controls. Bashir was oohing and ahhing over her accomplishments, while Odo found an excuse to pop into OPS every half hour with a report and a kiss for Kira. Kira, while waiting for her report and kiss, was tapping her nails on the central Ops table, and Sisko was pretending to play baseball in his office.

Everyone was bored out of their minds.

Kira banged her head on the table for a little entertainment.

Ezri looked up concerned. "You bored, Kira?"

"No, I'm trying to give myself a nose job. Of course I'm bored!"

Yup, typical Monday morning.

Ezri took a look around and saw people falling asleep at their stations. *There's got to be something we can do.*

"Come on ya blasted Cardie replicator WORK!" screamed O'Brien as he viciously kicked the machine.

A cup of coffee materialized.

"Yeees!" O'Brien did a victory dance. "I am *so* good!"

Worf glared at him. "If you're so good then why do you have to fix that thing every day?" He ducked as the mug came flying toward him.

"At least I do something," muttered O'Brien. "All you do is sit and scowl. Wouldn't know a good time if it slapped ya on the ass. Oh no, wait, that is your idea of a good time."

"What?!"

"Nothing!" O'Brien smiled brightly and turned back to the replicator. "Klingon warrior my Aunt Fanny." He muttered. "Computer, coffee."

Another mug appeared and he took a sip . . . and another . . . and another until the mug was empty. "Wow," he breathed. "Now that's what I call coffee." He didn't notice the blinking light next to the alcohol setting.

Bashir looked up at him. "You all right, Miles?"

"I feel grrreat! You should try this!" O'Brien replicated another mug and gave it to his friend.

"Mmmmmm! This is really good! You didn't add anything did you?" Bashir whipped out a tricorder.

O'Brien was insulted. "Of course not! I fixed the replicator! What is it with you people?!"

Bashir took another sip. "Damn good coffee in any case."

Soon everyone was crowded around the replicator.

Sisko poked his head out of the office, "What's up?"

Kira, after being on the receiving end of passionate kiss from Odo, replied, "Really kick ass coffee. Here, try some." She handed him a cup.

"This!" Sisko declared dramatically, imitating Captain Kirk. "Is . . . the coffee . . . dreams! . . . are made . . . of!"

Everyone groaned.

"Hey! My teacher said I had great potential!"

Odo snorted. "You look like you're having a heart attack! Get your money back!"

Sisko plopped into a chair and sulked as he sipped his coffee.

Kira gave Odo her mug. "You should try it. It's really good."

Odo gave her a skeptical look. "I'll try it but I don't know if I'll taste anything." He emptied the mug.

For a moment nothing happened.

Then he twitched.

Kira looked at him curiously. "Odo? Baby?"

He started to vibrate in place.

You could hear a pin drop in Ops as everyone stared at the Constable.

The Changeling started to shake and make funny noises. After a moment he quieted down.

Kira tentatively put a hand on his arm. "Sweetie?"

Odo started to emit a high-pitched whine.

"Everybody duck! He's gonna blow!" Kira yelled as she dove for the floor.

Odo shot up like a rocket, steam coming out of his shoes and ears. He hit the ceiling and bounced off like a high speed pingpong ball. Sparks flew and the Ops crew helplessly followed the golden bouncing ball with their eyes.

Finally, Kira managed to crawl over to a replicator. After a moment she came back down hiding something behind her back. The other officers watched in fascination as Kira intently studied Odo. At just the right moment . . .

Quick as lightning, Kira whipped out a giant butterfly net and snagged Odo mid-bounce. The pole of the butterfly net snapped, flipping Kira over and sending her to the floor while Odo made a sizeable hole in a back wall.

The Ops crew applauded.

Kira got up and bowed. "Thank you. Thank you." She ran to Odo's side as he oozed to the floor.

Odo's friends gathered around him as he slowly reformed. Woozily, he looked at them and smiled. "Hi."

Kira smiled. "Hi."

Sisko peered at him, as Bashir took out his tricorder and mentally planned a paper entitled "Changelings: Regular or Decaf?"

Ezri put a hand on Odo's shoulder. "How do you feel?"

Odo thought about that for a moment. "Usually with my hands but I have sensors all over my body." Laughter rang out as he picked himself off the floor. He swayed crazily for a moment. "Wow. What a rush." His eyes strayed to Worf and in a tearful voice he cried out, "I love you, Man!"

Worf, who by this time had sucked down at least twenty mugs, yelled, "I love you, too, Man!"

Ezri was so pleased. "I can feel the love in the room!" She grabbed Bashir's hand. "Everybody! Kumba ya! Kumba ya!"

Immediately, the lights dimmed and a dozen lighters were lighted as the people in Ops swayed back and forth singing.

A beeping caused everyone to pause. Sisko and Kira went to check it out.

"Oh shit."

"No kidding."

The Captain and the Major turned and looked at everyone. "It's Nechayev . . . and Kai Winn!"

"OH SHIT!!!" Screamed everybody as they scattered and hid.

O'Brien flicked off the lights to the entire station. He, Sisko and Kira ducked under the central Ops table. There they found the other Senior officers.

"Isn't it against the laws of the universe for those two to team up?" Grumbled Odo as he pushed Worf's butt out of his face. "Move!"

"Hey! I've got Julian's foot in my stomach." Worf gave an irritated growl. "Can't you morph into something smaller? Like a mouse?"

"Good point." Odo shoved Worf into Bashir's foot before sliding over to Kira.

"Oof!"

"Oh, did I do that, Woof? I'm sorry."

Kira snickered.

An insistent beeping caught everyone's attention.

"Do you think if we just ignore them they'll go away?" Asked Sisko hopefully.

O'Brien snorted.

"Only one way to find out," replied Ezri.

They all scrunched down to wait.

Luck was not on their side.

The beeping became even more insistent until, to everyone's horror the view screen crackled to life.

"Captain Sisko? We know you're there. He is there isn't he?"

"I'm sure the Prophets would have told me if he'd left."

Sisko shuddered. "Should I go talk to them?" He whispered.

"No!" Everyone hissed back.

Kira smacked him in the shoulder. "You say one word to them and they'll never find all the pieces of you."

"Sisko!" Came a high-pitched shriek.

"Kira, the Prophets wish you to speak to me and praise me for all my work."

"Not unless you chained them to a torpedo they didn't, you delusional old hag." Muttered Kira. Odo put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

"Winn, they have to be there."

"I know. Well, we'll just have to dock and find them."

The Senior officers looked at each other in horror.

"Oh like hell they will," declared O'Brien. "I'll blow this station up first."

"I don't think we'll have to go that far," piped up Ezri. "Why don't we just not be on board when they get here?"

The others stared at her for a moment.

"Last one to the Defiant's a rotten egg," said Bashir and they all took off.

"There! There, Nechayev! I told you they were on the station!"

* * * *


Ezri and Kira were checking out their consoles on the Bridge when a piano introduction startled them. They looked at each other and then at the door as it slid open.

"Just take those old records off the shelf! I'll sit and listen to them by myself."

"Oh Prophets," breathed Kira. Ezri just started to laugh.

"Today's music ain't got the same soul. I like that old time a-rock 'n' roll."

In slid the men of the Senior staff on their socks. Sunglasses adorned their eyes but, more importantly . . .

They wore no pants.

"Don't try and take me to a disco. You never even get me out on the floor."

Sisko was belting out the tune as the others slid around and danced using hair brushes for microphones.

"In ten minutes I'll be late for the door. I like that ol time a-rock'n'roll."

As the men sang Kira and Ezri clapped and threw singles at them.

"Hey!" Yelled O'Brien. "What's the money for? Do you want us to do the Full Monty?"

"NO!" The women screamed in unison.

"So what's the money for?!" Yelled Sisko as Bashir took over singing.

"To keep your underwear on!!"

Odo took over the singing and the others joined him.

"Still like that old time a-((rock'n'roll)) That kind of music just ((soothes my soul)) I reminisce about the ((days of old))"

Ezri leaned over to whisper to Kira. "I remember Worf's Monty."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's more like a half Monty."

Kira looked at her in shock before they both started to laugh uproariously and high five each other.

"Damn, Ezri! I didn't know you had it in you!"

"Neither did I! I think it was Jadzia!"

They clapped and cheered until the finale, taking the ship out as the guys pulled their pants back on.

"Captain, the Admiral's ship is increasing speed toward the station!" Called out Kira as Sisko slid into his chair.

"Well, what are you waiting for let's get the hell out of here!"

The ship didn't move. The bridge crew looked at Sisko.

"What?!"

"You have to say 'Take us out,' sir." Said O'Brien.

"Oh for-- Take us out!"

The ship still didn't move.

"What's wrong now?!"

"What do you say sir?"

"I'm going to come over there and rip your spine out if you don't get this bucket of bolts moving." Sisko replied his voice dripping with honey.

"Well, I was going for a 'please' but that's close enough. Here we go!"

The turtle-shaped Defiant swung out like a drunken sailor and chugged slowly toward the Galaxy class starship bearing down on them.

"O'BRIEN!"

"What?"

"Take off the damn parking brake!!"

"Oops."

The Defiant shot toward the Enterprise like a bat outta hell and passed it by.

On the other bridge Admiral Nechayev and Kai Winn looked at each other.

"They left!" Exclaimed Nechayev, outraged.

"Without so much as a 'hello.' Can you believe that?!"

"Well, we can't have that. PICARD! Turn this thing around and follow them!"

"Yes, Admiral." Captain Picard gave the order and sat down tiredly.

Riker leaned over. "You know, Sisko might just have the right idea. Maybe we should all jump ship and run away."

Troi leaned over. "All we have are shuttle craft, you idiot."

"She's got a point, Number One. You can be such an idiot."

Riker huffed, sulked in his chair and thought evil thoughts.

* * * *


"Are they still following us?" Whined Bashir as the Defiant sped along its merry way.

"For the fifteenth time YES!" Screamed Sisko.

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know."

"When will we get there?"

"I don't know."

"Then how do you know we aren't there yet?"

"Serenity now! Serenity now!"

* * * *


5 minutes later....

Sisko settled back into his chair and relaxed. They'd finally thrown Bashir off the bridge and sent him down to the Infirmary. *Ah, peace and quiet.*

O'Brien was over in a corner happily fiddling with some wires. Kira was sitting in Odo's lap. Worf was gossiping with Ezri and several of her previous hosts.

"Ok. Slide wire A into plug D..."

"You have the cutest blue eyes...."

"Somewhere over the rainbow..."

BABAM!

"Ow!" O'Brien looked out from behind a console, his face black and his hair on fire. "How's that?"

Sisko calmly picked up a fire extinguisher and blasted his friend with it.

"Thanks."

"No prob."

Sisko looked up at the view screen. "Reception's better."

"We getting 'Days of our Lives?'"

"No, I think it's the Discovery Channel."

"Crap!"

"Oh, Worf, it was hilarious!"

If Worf's eyebrows could have risen any higher, they'd be up in his ridges. He took one of Ezri's hands and started to file her nails. "You're not serious!"

"I am!"

"No way!"

"Way!"

Worf looked impressed. "So Curzon actually did see Captain Picard dress up like Dorothy and sing 'Somewhere over the Rainbow?' Unbelievable!"

"And that's not all . . . "

"So, Odo," Kira smiled and ran a finger up and down the Constable's chest. "Do you really have sensors all over your body?"

"Want to go back to your quarters and find out?"

Kira laughed and snuggled into him. A blinking light caught her eye. "Guys?"

Sisko and O'Brien looked up from the mess of wires. Ezri was pulling curlers out of Worf's hair. Worf took off the cucumbers on his eyes.

"Guys?"

They looked up at her. "What?"

"Would it be a bad thing if a Jem'Hadar ship were coming towards us?"

Sisko looked thoughtful. "Well . . . yes I suppose it would. Wouldn't you say, Miles?"

"Uh, yeah. Worf?"

"Hmmm. Cucumber. Good."

"Ezri?"

"Well, it depends. Do they want to be friends or shoot the crap out of the ship and take Odo back with them?"

Odo slid Kira off his lap. "One way to find out." He turned on the comm system.

On the screen appeared the Founder and Weyoun.

"And the joy just increases." Stated Odo.

Kira turned to Sisko from the weapons' station. "Can I shoot her? Pleeeese?"

"Well, we should be polite and ask them what the hell they want don't you think?"

"No."

The Founder stepped forward. "Odo come back to the Link." She held her hand out. "I can give you clarity."

Odo's eyes widened. "Hey, Kira."

"Yes, Dear?"

"You remember when Jadzia was telling us how humans used to listen to those big flat disks with music on them?"

"Records? Yeah, I remember."

"I finally know what a broken record sounds like."

The Founder looked insulted as everyone started to laugh. She turned to Weyoun. "He doesn't like me?"

"No! What makes you think that?" Weyoun turned to the Jem'Hadar and gave them a boy-is-she-stupid look.

The Founder gave him a sour look and whacked him upside the head. "Smartass! Stop them!"

"You heard her, boys! Let's get them!"

Ezri looked worried. "Ooh, that can't be good."

Sisko's jaw dropped. "O'Brien?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Are they going to fire on us?"

"I believe so, sir."

"Don't you think you should do something about that?"

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know like GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE?!"

"That might be a good idea." O'Brien dived into the mass of wiring at his feet and pulled out two of them. He rubbed them together and the Defiant's engines roared to life. Quickly he punched the speed up to warp 9.

"Okay, everybody wave bye to the Founder!" Said Odo as the he flipped the view screen off.

Bashir poked his head through the door. "Are we there yet?"

"God! He's like a bad rash that just keeps coming back!"

* * * *


The Founder was not happy.

Weyoun backed up a few steps. "Now, Founder, can't you take a joke?"

"Hmmmm. No." She smiled evilly and promptly took Weyoun's head off. "Get me another Weyoun!"

Who'rewefooling'klan, the First, gasped. "Oh my God! She killed Weyoun!"

We'refoolingnoone'klan, the Second, exclaimed, "That bastard!"

A comm signal distracted them. With the press of a button the two saw a... well, let's just say it wasn't a pleasant sight.

Weyoun 666 came in. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Don't screw up." Replied Who'rewefooling'klan.

The Founder turned to Winn and Nechayev. "What do you want?"

"Oh, not much." Replied Winn.

"We want the DS9 crew. Want to join us in hunting them down?" Asked Nechayev.

"Yeah sure."

The Enterprise and the Jem'Hadar ship took off after the Defiant.

* * * *


The Enterprise's senior officer's were hiding out in Ten Forward doing Jell-O shots and singing. (To the tune of Gilligan's Island)

Just sit right back and you'll hear the tale. The tale of this horrid trip. We have to follow Nechayev and Winn and now that Jell-O Bitch.

The Admiral started acting tough. The Kai imposed her will. There's nothing the Captain would like more than A phaser set on kill. A phaser set on kill.

"Take us here! Take us there! Take us everywhere!" "Hey! Don't forget the fries!" Oh geez, there's nothing more we'd like than to see them die! We want to see them die!

The ship set sail for DS9 to go and get her crew. With Captain Picard, There's Riker, too. The Doctor, Without her son. (Thank God!) The Engineer, The Counselor And the android man. Here in Enterprise hell!

Take pity on the senior staff, They're trapped for a long, long time. Sisko and his pals are lucky! They're on DS9.

No chocolate! No poker! No Cuban cigars! Just those endless high-pitched shrieks! Perhaps we'll have to face the Borg. That would make our week.

You look intelligent, my friend. Run or else you'll lose! Be a kind soul and send for help! Or at least send us booze!!

"Captain Picard? Commander Riker? Are you in there?" Came the voices of Winn and Nechayev through the door.

"AHHHHHHH!" Screamed the senior crew as they ran out the other door.

* * * *


On the fleeing Defiant Ezri had a bright idea.

"Let's have have a picnic on the holodeck!"

Everybody was excited until Woof -er-Worf pointed out that the Defiant didn't have a holodeck. "The Defiant is a battle cruiser and should stay that way."

Ezri looked at him. "Tell me again *why* did Jadzia marry you?"

"Because she loved me?"

"No, that's not it."

Odo took a guess. "Because he was good in bed?"

"The operative word being 'was,' but, no, that's not it."

"His hair?" Guessed Sisko.

"Nope."

"Prowess with a bat'leth?" Asked Kira.

"Nah."

O'Brien chuckled. "The fact that he could cook those little chocolate cupcakes shaped like hearts and sing 'I got you, Babe?'"

"That's it!"

"WHAT?!" Yelled Worf. "How did you know I did that?" He glared at O'Brien.

O'Brien smirked. "One bottle of bloodwine and a grieving Klingon."

Worf glared at Ezri. "You suck, Ezri!"

She blew a raspberry back at him.

"You know, I like the idea of a holodeck on board," mused Sisko. "Hey, Miles? Can you make a holdeck?"

"Well, let's see...If I take out most of the crew quarters, reroute enormous amount of power from everywhere else and not electrocute myself. Yeah, I can do it."

"Great."

* * * *


"Okay, wrench."

Worf handed him a wrench and went back to his data PADD on grasshopper hunting.

"I got you babe..."

Worf's head snapped up. "What did you say?"

"Nothing. Laser torch."

The laser torch changed hands.

"Babe!"

"What?!"

"Nothing."

"Hey! How's it going down there?" The two turned to see Kira walking towards them, Odo draped around her shoulders like a cape.

Literally.

Odo slid off Kira's shoulders and reformed. "That was fun. Can we play Superwoman again sometime?"

Kira smiled and embraced him. "Anytime, Odo, anytime."

Worf turned to O'Brien. "Don't they make you sick sometimes?"

O'Brien smirked. "You're just jealous because you aren't getting any."

"Well, Keiko's gone for months!"

"But when she comes home...."

A pissed off Klingon is truly a sight to behold.

Worf's face got extremely red and his nose lit up like Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer's. His hair popped out of its ponytail and stood up like he'd been electrocuted.

"Aaaaaoooogah!" Worf yelled as he whipped out his bat'leth and swung.



"No, Worf wait!!" O'Brien shouted.

But it was too late. With a mighty swing of his weapon, Worf severed most of the connections in the wall O'Brien had been working on. The bat'leth embeded itself in the middle of the wall.

O'Brien planted his hands on his hips and glared at the unhappy Klingon. "Worf, YOU ARE AN IDIOT!"

Kira and Odo looked at the Chief. "What's wrong?" They asked.

"Oh well, nothing really. But if you don't want to end up extra crispy...RUN!" With that O'Brien took off screaming down the hall.

Kira and Odo looked at each other and ran after him screaming all the way.

Worf looked at their retreating backs confused. "What did I do?"

Then the wall exploded.

O'Brien, Kira and Odo made it to the Bridge just in time.

The Bridge officers turned around and looked at the three freaked out people cowering behind the door.

"Something wrong?" Asked Sisko.

"No, no nothing's wrong." Chorused Odo, Kira, O'Brien.

BOOOM!

The door bulged in slightly and smoke poured through the cracks.

Sisko raised an eyebrow. "Nothing?"

"Heh. Nothing at all." Replied O'Brien. Under his breath he muttered, "Got a whole lotta room for that holodeck though."

* * * *


After escaping Ten-Forward, Picard decided he needed a conference. He told his senior staff to meet him in the Conference Room in two hours.

The senior staff waited for Counselor Troi, who was late. They sat there staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Picard glanced at his Marvin the Martian wristwatch. "Where the hell is she?"

Finally, the room's doors slid open with a soft *swoosh*. Troi's breasts entered the room. A couple of seconds later, the rest of her body followed.

Riker rolled his eyes and leaned to Geordi's ear. "We always have to do battle when she wears that damned Wonder Bra!"

Geordi, who was totally unprepared to laugh at that particular moment, accidentally sent spit flying across the table as he burst into hysterical laughter.

As his emotion chip was not turned on, Data was unphased by this, and nonchalantly wiped the spittle off his face and uniform. Even though he was unemotional, he had a passing thought, "You are lucky that you are my best friend. I know I can take you."

Picard turned to Troi. "You're late!," he hissed," I thought you were supposed to be psychic!"

"Empathic," she haughtily corrected him. Although she was unbalanced, she managed to waddle to her seat.

"Now then," said Captain Picard, "I want my damned ship back. Is that too much to ask?" He was almost pouting.

"Not at all, sir," piped up Riker.

"Suggestions?" Tears welled up in the Captain's eyes.

"I know a way," Riker beamed, "I saw something on MacGyver that might help us!"

The room grew silent and was wrought with tension. Picard stared at his first officer and gently drummed his fingers on the conference table. "PLEASE, just tell it to Geordi, and the two of you work it out. Data and I are going to talk with the Admiral and Kai Winn."

"Good," said Riker with an evil grin, "that gives me the distraction I need..."

* * * *


Unknown to Picard, Data turned on his emotion chip as they made their way to Ten-Forward. The doors swooshed open, and at one of the tables Admiral Necheyev and Kai Winn were sitting, talking, and drinking. At another table sat some of Kai Winn's bodyguards.

Picard and Data walked up to Necheyev and Winn's table. "Admiral," the Captain said, "I would really love to know why you have the Enterprise chasing the Defiant."

"That's classified, Captain Tightass." The Admiral had no doubt been drinking alcohol, not synthehol. She was in the mood for a fight. She jumped up and took a swing at Picard, but tripped over one of the legs of her chair and did a flip off the nearby steps. Picard smiled. Data snickered.

Winn jumped up, but a bodyguard stepped between Winn and Data. Out of pure malice -or sheer stupidity - the small-framed bodyguard hit Data across the jaw with a phaser. Data stepped toward the stupid man, with Picard's almost inaudible "Uh, oh" ringing in his ears. The little guy tried to act "bad", and pointed the phaser at Data. Data simply smiled, then picked the man up by the collar and threw him twenty feet through the air. The bodyguard slumped into a pathetic heap at the other end of Ten-Forward. Suddenly, the wounded bodyguard lifted his phaser - again at Data. With much skill, Data executed a triple backflip and landed squarely on the man's chest. A geyser of blood erupted from the bodyguard's mouth.

"Oh my Prophets!," exclaimed Winn, "you killed my man!"

Picard gave Data a huge grin, then they both engaged in what was known as "cabbage-patching".

Guinan, who had been calmly watching these antics from behind the bar, noticed another bodyguard pull a phaser and point it at Picard. Intent on saving the Captain, she ripped off her hat and slung it like a giant frisbee at the second bodyguard. The man was promptly decapitated, his body falling heavily to the floor and his head skidding across a table, landing at Picard's feet.

Picard looked at the severed head, then at Data, and raised an eyebrow. "That's something you don't see every day," he said dryly.

At that moment, Riker's plan was put into action by Mr. La Forge. The Admiral, Winn, and all of Winn's crew were promptly beamed over to the Jem' Hadar ship, and at the same time, Picard and Data were beamed directly to the bridge of the Enterprise.

The crew of the Jem' Hadar ship looked at their viewscreen in bewilderment as Dr. Crusher yelled, "See ya later, losers!" The entire bridge crew of the Enterprise then "mooned" the Jem' Hadar vessel.

"Get those people out of my sight!" snapped Picard, his panties in a bunch, "And get me Captain Sisko on the Defiant!" Picard tugged at the bottom of his shirt, only to have it unravel a bit from his effort.

"Captain," said La Forge, now sitting at an Ops station, "the Jem'Hadar vessel is emitting a high frequency pulse that has disabled our weapons. I don't know how to block the pulse. We won't be able to help the Defiant now!"

Data frowned at La Forge. He could have sworn he literally heard the engineer's ass tighten.

A pulse having the same effect as a shock wave hit the Enterprise bridge. People were thrown about, but Troi purposely landed on Riker. "Umph!" Riker was hit pretty hard. "Air!" he gasped, "I need air you cow!" He finally managed to push her off of him. "And DON'T 'Imzadi' me!"

A hole was torn out of the hull; not so large as to pull anyone out of the ship, but large enough to create much disturbance.

"Someone plug that hole!" Screamed Troi.

Exasperated, Picard made his way over to Data, removed the android's left hand, and used it to plug the hole.

"Hey!" Data began to protest, but Picard turned on him.

"Do I have to pull rank, Tin Man?" he snarled.

Data sheepishly turned back to the Ops console, somehow finding comfort in all the little shiny buttons.

* * * *


They'd found Worf wandering through the mess and hosed him off. A few hours after the space clearing explosion the holodeck had been built, ugly yellow grid and all.

The crew of the Defiant had run into the holodeck and quickly chose a program. They relaxed in a field on Earth, with a gigantic picnic lunch spread out in front of them (thanks to O'Brien getting the munchies!). Kira and Ezri had decided to compose their own song and danced in a circle, singing loudly:

"No more Admiral, no more Kai!"

"How we wish for them to die!!"

They were quite proud of themselves.

Suddenly O'Brien had an idea; with potato salad falling out of his mouth, he managed to say, "Hey kids! Why don't we go to Risa and get away from them there! The two of them would never think of going there!" he shuddered at the thought of Kai Winn in a bathing suit.

Bashir ran over to him "OOOO! OOOH can we?? Can we?? I just Looovvvvvve Risa!" he had grabbed the bottle of whiskey that O'Brien created and took a swig. He danced around the picnic blanket three times before Sisko tripped him.

"No, we can't go there, I'm not allowed back there!!" he winked roguishly, "they kicked me off the planet for . . . tiring out the 'pleasure girls' with my . . . "

Ezri covered her ears, "BEN! We do NOT need to hear about that!!!" she laughed.

Kira piped up, "Yeah really, the Intendant told me all about your . . . um . . . shortcomings? And now I'm definitely sure I ended up in the right universe!" with that she grabbed Odo and started kissing him. "Right, oh shapeshifting one??"

Odo looked at the rest of the crowd, and winked, "Well, what can I say? I CAN turn into anything, and size DOES matter!" he shrugged and kissed Kira back.

"Oh, I am SO jealous!" said Ezri, with a wistful look on her face.

"Hey, Ez, we'll let you join us sometime! There's enough for two!" Kira winked and laughed.

Julian had managed to pick himself up off the ground and brushed the grass from his pants, "Oh come now! I'm genetically ENHANCED!" he proceeded to pull his pants down, showing his "Barney" underpants. The whole crew laughed hysterically, as Julian turned as purple as the dinosaur and pulled his pants back up, slinking away.

Ezri suddenly got an idea, "I know!! Let's play Twister!!" she yelled. "Computer: one Twister game, circa late 20th century" A colorful game box appeared on the blanket and Kira grabbed it.

"Hey this looks fun! But we need to make it . . . even more fun!" She called the computer, "Computer: two cases of Earth Beer." two boxes containing an alcoholic beverage known to most Terrans as "Bud" appeared. She grabbed a can, popped the top off and chugged.

"BURP! Oh excuse me!" she said and chugged again.

"Oh wow!" O'Brien dropped the chicken leg he'd been gnawing on and grabbed the game, "This is so much more fun than the fucking poker game the Captain always made us play!"

Worf, who'd been stalking grasshoppers, came over to Miles, "Hey, we never let you play, dummy!"

O'Brien stopped and motioned to Bashir, who was sitting on the edge of the blanket sucking his thumb, "Don't tell HIM that! I told him that I always used ta win!" He put the game down and spied Kira chugging the beer. "Hey! That's good stuff!" he cried and grabbed a can.

As the Major and the Chief exchanged belches, Odo, Sisko, and Ezri opened the Twister game and started reading the directions.

"Okay . . . " the captain said, "I guess one of us has to be the "spinner" . . . hey Julian! Would you get over here and spin this thing so's we can play!?" He went and grabbed the doctor and threw the spinner at him. Odo spread the mat out on the grass and stood there waiting to start; Ezri followed and stood at the other side of the mat, chuckling softly at Kira as she grinned widely.

"Hey Kira do you wanna play too?" Ezri asked the now buzzed Major. Kira staggered to her feet and tossed the beer aside, joining the Lieutenant on the mat and facing Odo. Odo smiled maniacally at the two of them.

"Now Odo, NO shifting!" Kira said, and motioned to Bashir to start the game.

Bashir spun the first turn, while O'Brien and Sisko waited their turns out by seeing who could drink the beer faster. Sisko had two fisted the beer, and O'Brien lost the game.

"Damn! I need to drink more! I used to be able to drink anyone under the table, except Counselor Troi, right Worf?" He looked at Worf, who was wandering around the field, picking flowers. Worf looked over and nodded, smiling devilishly. Miles grabbed another beer and tried again, spilling the liquid down his shirt.

"Left foot, blue," was the first color. Kira and Ezri both put their left feet on adjacent blue circles, and Odo did the same.

"Right foot, green." Kira and Ezri both took one step forward with their right feet, placing them on the colored spot. Odo turned to Bashir, "Hey this is boring!" and put his right foot on green also.

"Okay, let's make it interesting!" and he spun the spinner again, "Left breast, green!" he shouted.

Kira glared at him, "Julian," she said menacingly, "That's NOT part of the game!!"

"Oh come on, afraid to show a little cleavage? I don't think so!" Julian was very pleased with himself for trying to make the game a bit more fun.

"Oh well, come on Kira, let's play!" Ezri took her shirt off and got down on the mat, placing her left breast on the green circle next to Kira's right foot. She winked at Kira, who was trying not to laugh in spite of the fact that she wanted to throttle the stupid doctor. She also removed her shirt and got down on the mat.

"Odo, what about you?"

"I don't have breasts! Should I make some??" He raised his eyebrow at Kira, who giggled.

"NO!" Sisko and O'Brien said, mouths full of beer.

Suddenly, a warning buzzer sounded, "Warning, ship entering visual range"

"Oh shit!" Ezri called out, falling on her face.

"Oh SHIT," Kira yelled, falling on Ezri.

"OH SHIT!" O'Brien and Sisko said, throwing down their beers.

"Here we go again!" Odo moaned, getting up off of the mat. He did not want to face that stupid Kai, or the stupid Admiral. He was anxious to beat the women at this dumb Earth game, and claim his prize . . . which was Kira in leather at his beck and call. "It figures! Just as I'm about to get a SERIOUSLY cool reward, the DAMN bitches are back!" They all turned toward Odo, as they didn't hear him complain often.

Sisko got up and said, "Computer end program," and then they all were standing on the grid pattern of the empty holodeck.

"I hate that part, it's kind of like 'coitus interruptus' isn't' it?" Ezri said to Kira, who nudged her and guffawed loudly.

"What does that mean?" Bashir asked childishly. Everyone gave him a nasty look and he retreated to the corner.

* * * *


The Founder looked over at Winn and Necheyev. She looked up at the ceiling. "I knew I was in hell. I just didn't know which level it was. WEYOUN!!!"

Weyoun 666 came over to her. "Yes, O gracious and beautiful Founder?"

"I don't care what you do or how you do it," she said pointing at the Bajoran and the Human. "Just keep them away from me." She turned and smacked Who'rewefooling'klan upside the head. "Can't you move this rust bucket any faster?!"

He looked at her. "It already has 100,000 light years on it!"

"Let me put it this way, the sooner we get the Defiant the sooner we can get rid of them." The Founder pointed at Winn and Necheyev.

Who'rewefooling'klan and We'refoolingnoone'klan looked over at the two older women. Winn smiled and winked at them as Necheyev licked her lips. The two Jem'Hadar shuddered and started shouting orders at the rest of the crew.

The two women pouted, disappointed. Then Winn looked over at Weyoun. Nudging Necheyev, she pointed at the Vorta and said, "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I am now."

Weyoun started to whimper as they advanced on him.

* * * *


It was party time back on the Enterprise.

"Woo hooo!" Yelled Picard as he took a swig of the Picard '47 he'd found in his room.

La Forge stumbled on by with a lamp shade on his head.

Data had attached a chandelier to the ceiling and was presently swinging from it. "Yippeeee!"

Crusher was sending images of her butt via subspace to people she didn't like.

Troi and Riker were playing a version of darts. A poster of Ensign Wesley Crusher was attached to the far wall.

"Okay," said Troi swaying slightly. "Right on the little pecker's nose."

"You're on."

Troi aimed, wobbled and aimed again. Then she swung around and got Riker on the butt.

"OW!"

"Whoops! Sorry! Must be the alchohol."

"YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!"

Troi was the picture of innocence. "I did not! How could you think such a thing?!"

A beeping caught everyone's attention.

"Whazzat?" Asked Picard as he plopped into his chair.

Crusher peered closely at the console. "It's Admiral wazzhisname ...You know!"

"Oh him! Everybody be quiet! We have to talk to Admiral Whozit." Picard stood up and straighted his shirt, promptly falling on his face in the process. "Shhh!" He got up.

Crusher brought Admiral What's-His-Name up on the screen.

Troi giggled.

"Shhhh! I'm talkin' to the Admiral!" Picard whispered. He swayed and beamed at the Admiral. "Hiya! What can we do for ya?"

The Admiral, whose name was Magillicutty, peered closely at the captain. "Picard, are you okay?"

"Sure, Admiral Smagilicuppy, we're fine. What did you want?"

"Well we've heard that Sisko has taken the Defiant on a joy ride and we decided to send you a special operative to help get him back."

"Really? What will this operative do? Convince Sisko to turn around and submit to the Nechebabe and Kai Smin?" Picard shook his head. "I mean Kai Finn and Admiral Necheyeveeveveve." Picard shook his head again. "You know who I mean."

"Well, she won't convince Sisko himself, but she can convince one of his people to make him turn around. In fact she should be beaming aboard right now. She can fill you in. Magillicutty out."

"Bye Magillipuppy."

Crusher looked at him. "I wonder who this person is?"

"Oh Jean-Luc! How I've missed you!"

Picard's eyes bulged out of their sockets.

La Forge tried to stuff all of himself underneath his tiny lamp shade.

Data fell from his chandelier and went through the deck.

Crusher and Riker started to giggle.

Troi screamed, "WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?!"

"Now Little One, is that any way to talk to your mother?"

Troi and Picard screamed and ran off of the bridge to hide.

Lwaxana Troi batted her eyelashes. "Was it me?"

* * * *


Picard ran screaming down a corridor, with the Counselor right on his heels. He finally stopped and slumped into a corner. "God, no. God, no," he kept saying as he clutched his knees to his chest and rocked back and forth. Troi was lying near him in the fetal position wimpering. Then Lwaxana Troi sent Picard a very strong telepathic image of herself in a naughty maid uniform. The Captain screamed and began to convulse.

Data lay looking up at the android-shaped hole he made in the bridge floor and was reminded of a Road Runner cartoon.

Lwaxana peered down at him. "Data, darling, did you see where that yummy Captain of yours went?" she asked in a sultry way.

Data glanced to his left and saw Picard glaring at him, teeth bared and shaking a fist. He looked to Lwaxana. "No, but he talks about you all the time. He is always telling me how beautiful and sexy you are. He wants you sooo badly."

Lwaxana looked pleased as she turned away.

Data grinned evily at Picard as the Captain grabbed a phaser and lurched to his feet. Data, who can move faster than the eye can see, took off like a bat out of hell. As he advanced on the turbolift at the end of the corridor, the doors opened. He tried to stop, but he was too close.

Dr. Crusher and Riker felt all bowel control leave them as they saw - er- something hurtling towards them. The inebriated Crusher fell out of the way.

"Oh, shi-" Riker began as the android careened into him.

Beverly, blinking to correct her blurred vision, whipped out her emergency medical kit and went to work, correcting the First Officer's broken ribs, punctured lung, and fractured skull.

The Doctor noticed she hadn't heard a peep out of Data, which was highly unusual for the android. "Data, arre shhyou alive?" she asked as she looked for him.

Crusher saw Data's body, but not his head. At first, she thought it was just the effects of the alcohol. She looked closer; his head had busted through the side of the turbolift. His arms were flailing and he was kicking his legs, trying to pull out his head.

Then the doors to the turbolift closed, and the lift started to move. Beverly drunkenly jumped on Data's back, a hand on each shoulder. She braced her feet against the wall, one on each side of him, and pulled with all her might. She managed to extract him before his head was taken off.

Crusher looked at the two men lying helplessly on the floor. "It'ss a bitch being tha butch one all tha damned time," she muttered.

* * * *

Back on the bridge, Lwaxana was lounging in the Captain's chair, being hand fed grapes by LaForge while Deanna reluctantly fanned her.

"Ummm. Shho, how 'bout thosse Metss?" Geordi barely uttered.

Lwaxana turned away from him in a snit as the turbolift doors opened. Dr. Crusher, Data, and Riker staggered onto the bridge. They glanced at the Counselor and LaForge, and snorted.

Data walked over to a replicator, collected a couple of items, and walked toward the front of the bridge. "Yo, Geordi, get off your knees, I need some help over here." Data set the replicated piece of cardboard and spackle down at his side. "I want my hand back!" He motioned at his appendage still stuck in the wall.

Data pulled his hand out as Geordi quickly put the piece of cardboard over the hole. His hand re-attached, Data immediately spackled the cardboard into the hole.

"There," he said proudly.

* * * *

Back on the Defiant, O'Brien was working on a computer terminal on the bridge. Every once in a while, he'd laugh a bit, and hit a few buttons, making some noises on the terminal. A very large glass of ale sat next to him, and he'd take a few gulps in between laughs. After about ten minutes, he whooped loudly and jumped out of his seat, knocking over his glass. A few sparks flew up and his panel went out.

"Oh damn!" he said, as he picked up the glass and tossed it onto the floor next to the captain's chair.

"HEY!" he heard from underneath the chair. When he went to investigate, Odo's head popped up from the floor. "What's the big deal!" Odo said angrily. "I was regenerating there. It's nice underneath the captain's chair, all nice and warm." He clearly had been ingesting some kind of drug, in whatever way he "ingested" stuff. His vision was blurry and he slurred his words.

"Umm..yeah, sure." O'Brien said. Then he remembered why he'd been so stoked. "YEEHAW!" he yelled triumphantly, and ran over to Julian, who'd been working at a nearby terminal. He was trying to master an Earth game called "Tetris". It involved stacking rows upon rows of blocks to clear a board. O'Brien could not figure out for the life of him why anyone would want to play such a boring game. He clapped Julian on the back, ruining his concentration; the screen went blank and a losing tune played.

"I WISH you wouldn't do that!" Julian said angrily. He had been on level two thousand, and now he'd have to start all over again. "Just what is so exciting anyway!?" He looked over at Odo, who was staring at the panel of buttons on the captain's chair, oohing and aahing at the blinking lights. "Is he alright?" he asked O'Brien.

"I have no idea, but he's having fun. I found a great holodeck program for us to play the next time we need to escape!" He danced around, clearly proud of himself. "It's called "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and it's from the late twentieth century. It's a cool ass movie, and I think it would be fun!" He showed Julian the program on his terminal. "Who do you want to play?" he asked the doctor, who's jaw had fallen open when he saw the costumes that would be required. "What? Don't you think the girls would look awesome in those outfits? Especially Kira in that little black dress with the matching garters!" He winked at Julian. He clearly had not gotten over his little infatuation with the Major, and had looked for a program in which he could see her...umm.....accouterments.

"I'm not sure she'll be into this, Miles. You know how she feels about that sort of thing." Julian was envisioning the Major in the outfit, and feared for Miles' life if she were to find out about it.

"Oh come on, she's much more laid back now that she's bopping the Constable!" O'Brien had replicated another mug of ale, and was gulping it down with gusto.

"Wha?" said Odo, who heard the men talking about his woman. He'd stopped looking at all the pretty lights on the console, and was stumbling toward them. "Let me see this program, Miles." He looked at the costumes and a wide grin spread across his face. "I'll see to it that Kira enjoys this, don't worry!" He staggered away, calling "Kira! Honey! I've got a surprise for you!"

Meanwhile Kira and Ezri were having a gossip session in the mess hall. They had replicated some chips and salsa and they were in the process of trying all 145 different versions of a drink called a margarita.

"Yeah, well, Kira, you know, one of my previous hosts liked to flog himself with a wet noodle." Ezri was reminiscing about her other hosts. Kira just gulped down the raspberry margarita and wiped her mouth on her sleeve.

"No way! That's so strange!! Vedek Bareil used to say that self flogging would bring you closer to the Prophets. I didn't believe him, I think he just liked to beat himself!" She laughed uproariously and went to the replicator for another round.

Odo came into the mess hall at that moment, silencing the women's talk. They didn't want him to know that he might be part of their conversation. He sat next to Kira and kissed her passionately.

"Hey sweets! I've got something I need to talk to you about."

"Yes?" said Kira innocently. She knew what Odo'd been ingesting and she knew that he was so stoned that he could barely see straight.

"O'Brien's got a new program for us to play. It involves black lingerie and singing. Are you in?" he had no idea if she would go for it, but he had to try.

"Sure!! I'm up for anything!!" Kira was surprised to hear the words coming out of her mouth, but she was having so much fun that she didn't care if she made a fool of herself.

Ezri was curious too. "Hey, Odo. What program is it, and is there a part for me?" she asked. She was always up for a game.

He told them what it was and where they were to meet for the costuming. He then liquified and oozed around the floor. The ridges in the deck were so stimulating that he shivered with pleasure, causing the women to laugh again. They ordered yet another round of margaritas and continued their conversation.

Sisko also had agreed to the game, when Miles found him in the holodeck, playing strip baseball with an all female team. He had just gotten a home run, forcing the pitcher to undress, when Miles told him about the idea, and he was having so much fun that he agreed without hesitation. The idea of playing a villain in a sexy orgy musical appealed to him, and he quit the baseball program to prepare.

"Y'know guys? I wish Starfleet let us have this much fun! We never get to do what we want to!" Sisko pouted. He'd just love to see what Necheyev and all the other stuffed shirt Admirals would think of their fun so far!

As they arrived at the Rocky Horror holosuite later that night, Kira and Ezri were surprised to see that all of the other senior staff took to the idea as they did. Kira was playing "Magenta", and she was dressed in a slinky black dress, with matching stockings, garters, and shoes. Ezri was "Columbia" and was adorned in gold lame short shorts, a colorful sequined vest, and a gold top hat. They laughed when they saw Julian dressed as "Brad" complete with dorky glasses.

"Hey Brad! You asshole!" they called out simultaneously. Then Leeta walked in: they'd had her beamed aboard from Deep Space Nine (she wanted to have fun, so they figured outrunning the Kai and the Admiral was as much fun as she'd get!) Leeta was playing "Janet", Brad's fiancee. She looked the part, with the white shoes and dress. They all yelled "You BITCH!" and laughed uproariously.

Then the holodeck door opened and Sisko walked in. He'd gotten the part of "Dr.Frankenfurter", and was dressed in a leather corset, lace up leather underwear, and fish net stockings. He even had on the dark curly wig worn by the character. His face was very made up, with bright red lipstick and mascara on his eyes. When he arrived, Kira and the rest just burst out laughing again.

"What? What are you guys laughing at?" Sisko looked down at his legs, looking for runs in his stockings. He didn't find any, so he walked away, wondering what they thought was so funny. He had looked in the mirror in his quarters and thought he looked sexy.

When the rest of the characters had arrived; Miles as "Rocky", Dr. Frankenfurter's creation, and Odo as "RiffRaff", Magenta's brother and lover, they began looking at the possible musical numbers that were available to them to play. Just as they decided on "Time Warp", a siren sounded outside of the holodeck.

"Oh SHIT!" they all cried in unison. Sisko called for a comm channel to be opened, and found himself looking straight into Captain Picard's giggling face.

"Hey Ben! Nice pajamas!" Picard said, laughing wildly. He looked at the rest of them standing there, and said, "Oh wow! Rocky Horror! My favorite!! Can I play too?!"

* * * *

As Picard prepared to beam to the Defiant, Commander Riker slid with ease into the Captain's chair.

Data sat at one of the two Ops consoles at the front of the bridge.

Lwaxana Troi sat on the floor beside Data. She had plugged her curling iron into his side and was waiting for it to heat up. "I'll complete my mission later," she thought, "this is too much fun."

LaForge worked at a wall panel, and after flicking a switch, he looked up. "Okie, Commander, the VCR is ready."

"Hit play," Riker said.

The movie "A Clockwork Orange" appeared on the viewscreen.

Riker beamed with satisfaction and slid further into his chair. "The ol' in out, in out," he cackled gleefully.

Dr. Crusher, now sitting to Riker's left, exhaled sharply and slapped a set of earphones on her head. She closed her eyes and blasted Mozart into her ears.

Counselor Troi lounged in a chair to the right of Commander Riker, and thumbed through her copy of the Kama Sutra. She smiled as she thought of donning dominatrix gear and having her way with Worf and Riker.

* * * *


"Ooh. That feels *wonderful.*"

"Just a little harder, Weyoun."

Weyoun looked up from massaging Necheyev's and Winn's feet. The stench of peppermint foot lotion was so overwhelming that Weyoun and the Jem'Hadar had replicated clothespins to keep their noses shut. Weyoun gave the women a strained smile and silently wished for death. His death, their death, it didn't really matter just as long as he was put out of his misery.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. Struck with an idea, Weyoun began to tickle the old women's feet. Necheyev and Winn squeeled and laughed until they ran out of oxygen and passed out. "Thank goodness." He breathed as he took off the clothespin. Unfortunately, the smell of peppermint foot rub was still heavy in the air, and it made him pass out.

The Founder looked over at the Admiral, the Kai and the Vorta, and was *extremely* grateful that her species had never developed the sense of smell. She turned to I'mgonnabesick'Man, the Third. "Have you found the Defiant yet?"

Due to the clothespin on his nose, I'mgonnabesick'Man answered her in a nasal tone of voice. "No, we are still scanning--Wait! I've found them! I've found them!" The Jem'Hadar soldier was so excited that he started to jump up and down.

Unfortunately, his clothespin popped off.

The smell of peppermint shot up his nose and burned the nose hairs there; it made its way through his body and ended up short circuiting his brain. I'mgonnabesick'Man's brain exploded. He fell to the floor with a loud thump, smoke coming out of his ears.

Who'rewefooling'Klan and We'refoolingnoone'Klan kneeled next to their fallen comrade. Who'rewefooling'Klan checked for a pulse. Finding none he turned to We'refoolingnoone'klan and said, "He's dead, Jim."

"No! Bones!"

"I'm sorry, Jim."

A third Jem'Hadar soldier standing next to them calmly raised an eyebrow. "Death by peppermint foot rub. Fascinating."

"How could this happen, Bones?"

"I'm a doctor not Oil of Olay!"

The Founder decided then and there that those old logs of the Enterprise were no longer suitable T.V. material. She rubbed her temples. "I wonder what an aneurysm feels like."

* * * *


It was only a few minutes into the movie, and Data's jaw had already dropped open at least ten times. Lwaxana, in the midst of curling her hair, kept leaning over to push his jaw closed.

Geordi, standing at the back of the bridge, suddenly jumped to attention. "Commander, there are three Maquis ships heading for us! The ship closest to us appears damaged."

Riker rolled his eyes, pretended he didn't hear, and continued watching the movie.

"We are being hailed," stated Geordi.

Riker clicked his commbadge and informed the Captain of the Maquis ships. "Do what you want and leave me alone!" yelled Picard, not wanting anything to ruin his impending good time aboard the Defiant.

"On screen," Riker said like a child being deprived of his favorite toy.

Former Ensign Ro Laren appeared on the viewscreen. She quickly informed the bridge crew that she was trying to escape the Maquis, and she requested asylum on the Enterprise.

Commander Riker thought for a moment. He had never really liked Laren, and now he would have to deal with her AND Lwaxana. Finally he decided they could use her at Ops, and he might be able to use her in - ahem - other ways later. "Get her out of there, Geordi."

Ro Laren materialized on the bridge as her ship was destroyed. "Thank you, Commander Riker."

She winked at Data, and he looked her up and down, then grinned.

The Maquis vessels began firing on the Enterprise.

"Lock phasers and return fire," commanded Riker.

Geordi followed the order. "No damage to either vessel, sir."

"Arm photon torpedos and fire."

"Minimal damage, sir."

The Maquis fired again, this time bringing the Enterprise's shields down to seventy percent.

Riker growled. "All right, I didn't want to do this, but they interrupted my movie."

Geordi looked at the First Officer expectantly.

"Arm Energizer Bunny torpedos and fire." said Riker authoritatively.

"Of course!" Geordi exclaimed, "Those bunny ears can penetrate any shield frequency!"

Two large pink bunnies shot out of the Enterprise toward the Maquis ships. The bunny ears penetrated the shields of the two vessels, with the rest of the bunnies' bodies remaining outside the shields. Then the ears fired high-power phaser blasts at the vulnerable ships, destroying them.

The bridge crew cheered.

Ro Laren jumped up and down so excitedly that she accidentally hit Lwaxana's hand, sending the curling iron down on the Betazoid's scalp. "Aaaaahhhhh!" she screamed as steam rose out of her hair.

Oblivious to the current events, Dr. Crusher finally opened her eyes to change the CD in her Walkman. She looked at Laren, then at the viewscreen showing two fireballs lighting the vast blackness of space. Looking at Riker, she frowned. "Bunny battle again?"

He nodded as Laren took her place at the second Ops console. "And now, back to the movie."

* * * *


Picard had wanted to join the DS9 crew in their shenanigans, but he had come for something far more valuable. He walked to Sisko, who was still in his leather and stockings, and motioned for him to sit.

"Hello, Ben, you're looking well." he said, chuckling at Ben's makeup and wig. "I've come for your help. I assume you're aware that Counselor Troi's mother is an ambassador of Betazoid."

"Um...yeah......Lwaxana, right?" Ben said her name with a gesture insinuating "big hair, big tits".

"Yeah, Ben, exactly! We need her to leave!! She just disrupts all our fun!" Picard was practically pouting that someone like Lwaxana could mess up all of his fun. "Could you guys take her for awhile?" he begged, getting down on his hands and knees at Ben's feet.

Just then, Kira (dressed as Magenta) walked in, "Captain, permission to "Time Warp"? We're bored, and we want to play too!!" she looked at Picard sitting prostrate at the Captain's feet. "Did I....interrupt?" she asked quizzically.

Both Picard and Sisko jumped up, yelling "NO!" simultaneously. Sisko chuckled and said, "Permission granted, Major. Time warp, Jean Luc? I think there's still some fishnet out there for you!"

"Can I??" Jean Luc practically danced to the holodeck. On the way there he said to Ben, "I thought these warships didn't have holodecks......oh wait.....O'Brien, right?" Sisko just laughed, as he showed Jean Luc where the costumes were.

* * * *


Hours later...

"Well?" panted Jean Luc after the 83rd time they'd "Time Warp"-ed. He just couldn't get enough of the crazy dance.

"I don't...think I can...go on." said Sisko, truly exhausted. He slumped on the floor, kicked off his heels, and sighed, "How the hell did Kira wear heels every day?"

Odo and Kira, still in their costumes, had wandered into a corner, and started making out. Kira ran her fingers through Odo's "hair" and murmured, "Hey 'blondie', I like your hair this way!" She giggled, and kissed him again. Ezri had long since fallen asleep, gold top hat pushed down over her eyes. She snored softly. Julian and Leeta had also fallen asleep, in each other's arms. Sisko wondered what Rom would think if he were here, seeing his wife sleeping with her ex-lover.

Ben took in the surroundings and raised an eyebrow at Picard, "Um, do you think THEY want to dance anymore?" He nudged the sleeping Dax with one stockinged foot, waking her.

"Eww, Worf, you stink!" she said in a sleepy voice, shaking her head. She opened her eyes and looked at Sisko's foot. "Ick, Ben! I have two words for you...Dr. Scholls!!!" She got up, stretching, "Are we done? I'm sleepy, and these clothes are itchy!"

Picard shrugged, "I guess we're done. I was still having fun, though. What else can we do!?" he was upset, this crew wasn't as reckless as his was, and he wasn't used to dealing with the party poopers.

"I KNOW!" O'Brien suddenly jumped up. He wasn't in the show yet, but he'd been watching, bored, as the others Time Warped. "Let's get drunk again!!" He ran to the replicator. "Hey Piccy! What are you having?"

"A 'sex on the beach'." Picard said.

All heads swiveled toward him at the mention of the drink's name. Odo and Kira stopped kissing and groping to laugh, "Sex on the beach!? What in Prophet's name is that!?" She was laughing so hard she had to lean against Odo for support.

"Really cool drink." Replied Picard. "The first time I ever ordered it was because of the name."

Sisko took everyone's orders and served them. Settling into a chair he asked, "So what was the Enterprise doing when you left?"

"Nothing much. Some Maquis ships had appeared."

Odo's head popped up at the name 'Maquis.' He started to snicker. Kira looked at him. "What is it, Dear?"

"Makee."

"What?"

Odo snickered again. "Makee. Makee."

"Maquis?"

"Makee. Makee," was Odo's reply as he bobbed up and down.

"How many radioactive chocolate tribbles did you find under the captain's chair anyway?"

Ezri was holding her stomach laughing as she watched Odo bounced up and down like a spring. "Apparently too many! Makee."

Kira frowned. "Don't encourage him when he's stoned, Ez."

Ezri smirked and bounced up and down. "Makeemakeemakee."

Kira groaned and put her hand over her eyes as Odo and Ezri bounced up and down in tandem singing "makee."

O'Brien and Bashir looked over at them in interest. "That looks like fun," O'Brien said.

"Oh no! Not you too!"

"Makee?" Bashir asked O'Brien.

"Makee." Confirmed O'Brien.

"Makee, Makee." They sang.

Sisko and Picard had joined in by this time and everyone was bobbing up and down at different times singing, "Makee, makee, makee."

Suddenly, there was a loud yell and Worf, dressed in a pretty pink tutu, jumped into the crowd waving his bat'leth. "MAKEE!!" He yelled as if it were a battle cry.

With a resigned sigh, Kira bounced up and down and said, "Makee."

Everyone cheered.

* * * *


About ten Jem'Hadar crew members were gathered in a circle on the bridge, grumbling and pushing each other. They had found a new drug to get addicted to...cotton candy. Admiral Nechayev had thought it would be a great idea to introduce them to some of the wonders of Earth, so she had replicated a cotton candy machine.

The Founder, in an attempt to ignore everyone, had reverted to her gelatinous form and was oozing around the bridge, trying to entertain herself.

Nechayev and Kai Winn were amusing themselves by stroking Weyoun's hair and cooing at him. He grimaced and prayed to whatever benevolent entities were out there to put him out of his misery.

Nechayev wanted the Founder to have fun also, so she walked over to her and tapped the liquid woman with her foot.

"Fooouuundeeer." She continued her incessant tapping. "Oh, yooooohoooo!"

A long arm of the gelatinous mass shot up, throwing Nechayev into the cotton candy machine. The Jem'Hadar crew members groaned, and walked off to replicate another.

* * * *


Commander Riker, Counselor Troi, Dr. Crusher, and Lwaxana Troi were still on the bridge, now watching "The Sixth Sense."

Data sat in Stellar Cartography diligently pressing buttons, while Ro Laren stood beside him giggling. They thought it would be a GREAT practical joke on Picard to rearrange the star maps. Data had uploaded the original maps into his positronic net, planning to correct their antics later.

"Ok. Put Betazed where Earth should be..."

"Oooo! Data! Switch some galaxies, and also, move planets further away than they should be!"

He grinned and winked at her. She leaned down and planted a kiss on his cheek, then stuck her hand down his pants. This caused a short in his positronic brain, and steam billowed out of his ears.

"What a rush!" he said, swaying slightly.

Geordi LaForge sat in Engineering, working on the weapons systems. Riker had used all the Energizer Bunny torpedoes against the Maquis, so LaForge needed to upgrade the photon torpedoes. Pausing, he looked up from his station and stared at the Warp Core. He began to daydream, and before he knew it, he had fallen asleep. He dreamed of doing pirouettes around his beloved engine. Then, in an instant, Q had changed the Warp Core into a beautiful princess, and LaForge was about to marry her.

"You may kiss the bride."

Unknown to any of the crew, Geordi sleepwalks. He had wandered over to the Core, and was now kissing it romantically. He received a rather rude awakening as the heat from the Core fused his tongue. Screaming, he grabbed the nearest metal tool and hit the Warp Core, trying to free himself, and was knocked back as steam shot out at him. The Enterprise automatically went to Red Alert.

"OH THIT!" he exclaimed.

Riker's voice erupted from Geordi's commbadge. "LaForge! What the hell is going on down there?!"

"Collander! I thorry! Dactha, gith lown heaya!" (Commander! I'm sorry! Doctor, get down here!)

Riker looked confused.

Dr. Crusher ventured a guess. "Geordi? Do you need me?"

"Yeaya!"

While waiting for Crusher, Geordi skillfully put a forcefield in place, blocking the hole in the Core. However, the damage was done. The Enterprise began to drop out of warp.

* * * *


A beeping interrupted the Defiant crew's singing.

"Riker to Picard."

Picard, still giggling, answered, "Yes, Number One?"

"Sir, we had a -er- problem with the Warp Core. The Enterprise has dropped out of warp, and we are concerned about a confrontation with the Jem'Hadar vessel, once it catches up with us."

Picard looked at Sisko. "Let's get ready to rumble!"

Sisko snickered. "Makee."

Worf screamed, "MAKEE!"

O'Brien was so drunk he had fallen out of his seat, face down on the floor. From him came a muffled "Makee."

Odo and Kira, in unison, screamed, "MAKEE!"

The Defiant slowed, turned, and shot off to find the Enterprise.

* * * *


Riker waited for the impending battle. A million thoughts raced through his mind.

"Will Picard ever forgive me for ruining his fun?"

"Will we be a match for the Jem'Hadar vessel?"

"If Smurfette were real, would she go out with me?"

The turbolift doors opened, and Data and Laren stumbled onto the bridge. Data hadn't noticed that his lips were bright red, the exact shade of Laren's lipstick. Struggling to straighten their clothes, they made their way to the Ops consoles.

Geordi, now with his tongue operating at full capacity, had gone back to work on the weapons.

Dr. Crusher waited in the infirmary in case of any medical emergencies. She was still confused about Geordi's explanation of what had happened. *Why would a Romulan beam aboard the Enterprise, shoot LaForge's tongue with a phaser, hit the Warp Core with a wrench, and then beam away?*

Counselor Troi sat to Riker's left. She had ordered her mother thrown in the brig, and she sat smiling at that gorgeous new guy at tactical.

Ensign Redshirt stood at tactical. It was his first time on the bridge, and he was excited. He licked his lips at Troi.

Finally, the Jem'Hadar vessel appeared on the viewscreen.

* * * *


Weyoun had shoved Nechayev and Winn out of his way, and now called to the Founder. "The Enterprise is within range."

The Founder morphed back to a humanoid and looked at him. "Tell them to surrender. I suppose I should at least give them that chance. After all, we are only after the Defiant."

"We are being hailed, text only." said Ensign Redshirt.

"What does it say?"

Redshirt cleared his throat. "Surrender now, and we won't destroy you. We only want the Defiant. Joing us."

The bridge crew stopped and looked at Redshirt. He realized what he said, and peered closer at the message to be sure he read it correctly.

"Ummmm, that's what it says."

Ro Laren giggled and brought the message up on her console. "What the hell is a 'joing'?" she asked Data sarcastically.

He snickered and started pressing buttons.

The Founder stared as her viewscreen jumped to life. One letter would appear, then disappear, followed by another letter.

"J...." "O..." "I...." "N...." "G?"

Then the entire word appeared in bold, bright yellow letters against a black background.

"JOING?"

"Ummm, sorry Founder," said Weyoun, "typo demon."

She glared at him. "Huh?"

At that moment, the Defiant pulled up beside the Enterprise and they opened hailing frequencies with each other.

Sisko beamed at Riker, then looked at his own crew. "Ready?"

The crew of the Defiant collectively screamed, "MAKEE!!!!!!!!"

Riker looked at the Enterprise crew. "Joing?"

The crew of the Enterprise screamed, "JOING!!!!!!"

Picard giggled, the "sex on the beach"es he'd consumed were working their magic, and he couldn't help himself.

"Number one? How can we help you?" he said, attempting to hide his leather clad body from his First Officer.

"We need you to help us get rid of the JemHadar. They're annoying us with their attempts to get you to surrender." he stomped his foot childishly, "they're ruining our fun!" he pouted.

"Ah yes, I see," Picard said, peering at the JemHadar vessel next to the Enterprise," Hm....wait a minute, I may have an idea." he turned off the audio and said to Sisko, "Whiny brat, isn't he? He's almost as stupid as Wesley was!" Sisko laughed and nodded, agreeing enthusiastically.

"All right, all right, I've got it!" he turned to Ezri, who was still staring at Worf in his tutu. "Dax, set a course for planet Bailey II, warp nine." Then he turned Riker's audio back on and said, "Follow us, I've got an idea to get those bastards off our butts! Picard out." The screen went dark, and Jean Luc sat down on the floor. "Whew....do you think he saw me? I must look a fright! My makeup is all running and my stockings are falling down.!" he pulled at them, looking at Sisko.

Sisko agreed with Jean Luc, and decided to go change into something more appropriate for the planet they were going to. He gave Worf a strange look as he left the bridge, "Sheesh, Worf, I've never seen you quite so.....poofy before." he said, and laughed.

Ezri had plotted the course, not having any idea where or what Bailey II was. She then turned back to Worf, "Do you really think that color is right for you, Worfie?" she laughed and looked at Kira. "Hey Kira, Come here a second, I need your opinion."

Kira was still bouncing with Odo. She left Odo's side and walked to Ezri, "Yeah, whaddaya want?" she asked, words slurring.

Pointing at Worf, Ezri replied, "Pink really isn't his color, is it?" she giggled as she watched him pirouetting around. He'd starting singing a little song:

"I'm a pretty Klingon, big and mean. Here is my bat'leth, slicing out your spleen. When I wear my tutu, I'm the queen, The prettiest Klingon you've ever seen"

He twirled around until he fell, dizzy from spinning. Ezri just stared at him stupified. "WORF! What HAVE you been eating?" she looked at Odo, who turned away, feigning innocence.

Kira went to him, "Odo, did you give him one of those tribbles? I told you not to do that!! We have no idea what he's capable of when radioactive!" She scolded Odo as if he were a five year old child. "Bad Changeling!" She smacked his hand and he started to cry.

"But Kira..." he whined, "he wanted one! He said he'd make me BE his tutu if I didn't!" he cried.

* * * *


Back on the Enterprise, Geordi informed Riker that the ship was incapable of warp drive. "We barely avoided a warp core breach! I don't know how we'll keep up with the Defiant, Commander!" Geordi was pissed. He clicked his comm badge off and mimicked Riker's stentorian voice. "Geordi, give me warp drive. Geordi, fix the weapons. Geordi, I don't know if this lumpy milk is any good, taste it."

Riker quickly had Ensign Redshirt hail the Defiant.

Worf, on his tip-toes in his ballet slippers, danced over to the viewscreen. When he saw the Commander, he gave him a sweet, unKlingon-like smile. "Aren't I a pretty Klingon, sir?" He swished back and forth.

Riker thought to himself, "Is it wrong that I'm aroused by this?" He shivered and answered quickly, "Mr. Worf, the Enterprise doesn't have warp drive at the moment, so we need a tow."

Odo raised his head and thought about the word "tow". He then walked over to the viewscreen and morphed into a giant toe.

Ezri giggled hysterically. She finally caught her breathe and said, "There ya go Commander. Shall we beam him over?"

Kira started laughing so hard she fell at Worf's feet. Looking up, she screamed loudly. Worf was wearing a thong under his tutu.

Odo morphed back to humanoid and grinned. "I couldn't resist, Commander." He then threw the Defiant into reverse.

As the ship backed up toward the Enterprise, a long metal rod with a hook on the end slowly emerged from underneath the Defiant. The hook then latched under the rim of the saucer section on the Enterprise.

Riker looked at the four Defiant crew members who were still snickering at Odo's joke. "We'll engage impulse engines to help move us along." he stated angrily, and motioned for Ensign Redshirt to cut off the communication.

"Mr. Data," he grumbled, "set course for Bailey II and engage impulse engines."

Data glanced around nervously and began to fidget.

"Data, did you hear me?"

Ro Laren suddenly remembered the steam that billowed out of Data's ears while they were in Stellar Cartography messing with the maps. She also realized that the original star maps were uploaded into his positronic net, but were not saved anywhere else. "Oh, no!" she thought.

"Commander, it would be....ummm....easier to just put the Enterprise in neutral," Data said, not wanting to tell anyone he had lost the correct star maps. He figured that when they got to Bailey II, he would upload the maps from the Defiant without anyone seeing him.

Riker stomped his foot yet again and exhaled sharply. "Whatever!"

The Defiant took off at warp speed, leaving the Jem'Hadar vessel in the dust.

As Commander Riker sat back down in the captain's chair, Dr. Crusher decided to lighten the mood. She grinned and began to sing:

"Bailey, Bailey, bo Bailey....

Deanna Troi joined her, "bonana fanna fo failey..."

Redshirt, Data, and Laren piped up also, "fee fi mo mailey..."

Riker shrugged off his anger and joined in for the last word, "Baiiiileeey." He then yelled, "Let's try Data!"

The crew sang:

"Data, Data, bo Bata...."

* * * *


Sisko and the others had all changed clothes into their most comfortable grubs, per Picard's orders. They had come back to the bridge to confer with him. O'Brien, dressed in a kilt and argyle socks, started.

"So where the bloody hell are we going, Capt.?" he asked impatiently. He'd been dying to go back to the holodeck to find a new play or game for them to play.

"Yeah, what is Bailey II?" Sisko added. He'd gone blindingly into this plan of Picard's, without any idea as to where they were going, or what was going to happen to them when they got there. "What am I getting my crew into?"

"You mean you've NEVER heard of the Bailey system?" Picard asked incredulously. He was wearing a black velvet skirt and matching top, with black knee high boots and he felt so pretty he wanted to sing. "I'm so surprised you've never been there!"

"There's a whole Bailey SYSTEM?" Kira asked. She and Odo had dressed alike, she in a black leather leotard, leather pants, and dominatrix boots. Odo was wearing a pair of black shorts and nothing else, except for an interesting leather and velvet collar. Kira held the end of a leash, that was attached to Odo's collar.

"Sure, it's great. Wait till you see the mirrors!" Picard was beaming.

* * * *


"Founder!" Weyoun cried waving his arms and knocking Kai Winn unconscious. "We've found the Enterprise and the Defiant! They're headed for the Bailey system."

The Founder slowly formed. "The what system?"

"The Bailey system." Yelled Weyoun waving his arms up and down. Kai Winn, who was just recovering from the last knock on the head, was hit again. Her head bounced forward and hit the controls bouncing back with such speed that she flipped over before she made contact with the ground.

The Founder looked at Winn for a moment. "So, anyway what planet in the Bailey system are they headed for?"

Weyoun jumped up and down like a cheerleader. "They're going to Bailey II. YAY!"

The Founder sighed and shook her head. The Jem'Hadar, on the other hand, were fascinated. One of them bounced up and down make-believing he had pom poms in his hands.

"Happy!" He shouted.

"Joy!" yelled another one catching on.

"Happy! Happy!"

"Joy! Joy!"

"Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy! Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!" Cheered all of the Jem'Hadar and Weyoun.

Mortified, the Founder watched as they got into a pyramid formation, Weyoun at it's apex.

"Wha'z goin' on?" Slurred Necheyev as she picked herself up from the ruins of the cotton candy machine. Gingerly, she touched her head. Her hand came away sticky and pink. "AHHHHHHHHH!"

The Founder promptly threw her into the wall where she was knocked unconscious once more.

"Goooooo Bailey!" Shouted Weyoun.

Exasperated, the Founder screamed, "WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?! GET DOWN HERE!"

Pouting, Weyoun and the Jem'Hadar got out of their pyramid only to be smacked upside the head by the Founder. "What have I told you about doing things like that?! You could put somebody's eye out!"

"Sorry, Founder." Weyoun said. "We were just so excited we couldn't help ourselves."

"You're an idiot. Follow them!" Screamed the Founder as she walked off the bridge.

For a moment there was silence.

"Is the course laid in?" Asked Weyoun.

"Yes."

"Are we on our way?"

"Yes."

"Is she gone?"

"...Yes."

"Then break out the pompoms baby and let's cheer!!"

"ALL RIGHT!"

Weyoun and the Jem'Hadar lined up in a V formation, pompoms at the ready.

"Ready? O K! " Called Weyoun starting off the cheer.

Let's go! Let's go! L-E-T-S-G-O! L-E-T-S-G-O! Let's go! Dominion beat those Feds! You better watch out! You better get ready! We're comin' after you! Founder's are what? RED HOT! Founder's are what? RED HOT! We set the field on fire! GOOOOO! FOUNDERS!!!!

Weyoun and the bridge soldiers screamed and jumped up and down waving their pompoms.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!" Screeched the Founder as she came back on the bridge.

"Nothing, Founder. Nothing at all. It was them!" Weyoun said throwing his pompoms at Kai Winn who was just regaining conciousness.

"Wha?" Said Winn.

With an inarticulate scream the Founder grabbed Winn and threw her into Necheyev who was still stuck in the wall.

Brushing her hands together, the Founder said, "That feels much better."

* * * *


Meanwhile, back at the Ranch...er on the Defiant...

They had all changed into their uniforms, and gotten a bit sober before returning to the bridge to await their arrival into the Bailey system. No one but Jean Luc had any idea exactly what to expect, and he wasn't telling.

"Woohoo!! Wait till you guys see this system! It's like a party that never stops!" he danced around the bridge, twisting and jumping. He'd resisted the urge to sober up and had switched from the "sex on the beaches" that he was drinking (he couldn't stand being made fun of anymore), to vodka martinisÖshaken not stirred. "Wait till we get to Bailey II!! It's sooo cool!!" he danced around until Ben turned from his seat and gave him the "Emissary" stare; then he sat down and looked quietly at the viewscreen.

Sisko was not amused," Just exactly what is so great about this planet?" he hadn't changed out of his costume completely: underneath his uniform trousers he had visible panty lines and bulges where his garters were. The rest of the crew couldn't help but laugh every time he turned around.

Kira stifled a giggle to answer, "Well, sir", she managed to say before laughing again, "I hear its what is called a 'Clown Planet'." She sat down and stuck her face in Odo's shoulder to quiet her laughter.

"Bloody clowns! I hate 'em!!" O'Brien was sober and bored. Being an Irishman, sobriety was just no fun at all! He hated being sober almost as much as he hated clowns.

"Oh, Miles, you're such a party pooper! That's why we never let you play poker on the Enterprise!" Jean Luc answered, still staring out of the view screen.

Bashir perked up, interested by this statement. "What do you mean? MilesÖ.." O'Brien started shrinking in his seat. "Miles, you told me you always used to WIN!" Julian frowned at Miles.

"Well, I meant.....um......I WOULD have won.....if they let me play....right, Picard?" O'Brien looked at Jean Luc as if to say, "Help!"

"Yeah sure", Picard scoffed, with a glint in his eye. "You'd have lost every time! You have no poker face, dude!" He giggled, and ordered another martini from the replicator.

Suddenly Sisko yelled, "DAMN!" and jumped out of his seat. "My damn garters snapped off!" he yelled, running out of the room to fix them. Kira and Odo watched him, chortling.

"Would you morph into garters for me, Odo?" She asked wickedly, winking wildly at the shapeshifter before bursting into hysterics again. Odo rolled his eyes as he held the shaking woman.

"Sure Nerys, sure.....now stop eating those tribbles, got it?" Odo gave the rest of the crew an exasperated look.

Sisko's little drama gave O'Brien the chance to get out of the center of attention; he hated it when everyone looked at him. He took the opportunity to sneak to the back of the room and turn on the telly they had rigged on one of the computer terminals. He was determined to get rip-roaring drunk before they arrived at this stupid "Clown Planet" and ordered some dark Irish stout from the replicator.

After an hour or so, everyone was getting pretty bored. O'Brien had watched a few episodes of a television show called "South Park" from the twentieth century, and walked around saying "Kick ass!" and "Kick the baby!" to everyone. Odo and Kira had gone to their quarters, and every once in a while, Kira would come strutting onto the bridge wearing a new outfit-made of Odo. It was amazing to the crew that Odo could morph into so many different fabrics! Each time she walked the "catwalk" on the bridge, they all yelled and clapped.

Ezri, who had by now woken up from her nap, was getting jealous of Kira. "Why can't I get a Changeling lover? Are they ALL a part of the Great Link except for you!? It's not fair!" she stamped her foot, causing Kira to stick her tongue out at her and laugh.

"Haha! I got the only one!" Kira teased, wearing a floor length Lissepian silk Odo-dress. She danced around, taunting Ezri. Ezri started to cry and ran to Bashir, who comforted her all too willingly.

"It's not fair!" she said again.

"Yeah, I'm the best!" Kira said. Suddenly, to her horror, Odo morphed out of the gown and into a potato sack that barely covered her curvy body. Kira screamed and ran out of the room.

O'Brien and Sisko looked at each other and shrugged. Things would never change around this ship.

Picard jumped up out of his seat and exclaimed, "WE"RE HERE!!" he ran to the helm and punched a few buttons, whooping and hollering. "Woohoo! We're finally here!" he yelled.

Ezri disentangled herself from Julian and went to the helm. "Yep, he's right. We're here, wherever "here" is."

Picard wheeled toward the crew, "All right, everyone, get ready for Bailey!" He ran over to his chair and picked up a large sack. He pulled some weird things out of it; funny masks, big red wigs, and a pair of floppy shoes. "Here ya go! Everyone pick one!" he yelled in delight, putting on a red nose and floppy shoes.

"Wha? Said Bashir, "I'm not putting this stupid stuff on!" he pulled a pink tutu out of the bag and yelled, "Hey! Woofie!! I found a costume for you!!" he giggled wildly as Worf stormed away clutching his pink prize.

They all decided to indulge Picard's silliness, and filed over to him as he handed out clown items: Ezri got a big red wig ("to make you look taller!" Kira said), Bashir took a "groucho" nose and mustache, Sisko and O'Brien took pointy hats and fake noses, and Odo and Kira took floppy shoes. Kira also grabbed a foghorn, smiling at the "oo-gah" sound it made.

"YAY!" she screamed, running around the room awkwardly (because of the shoes) "oo-gah"ing.

"Oh great, if there's nothing I hate worse than clowns, it's NOISY clowns!" O'Brien muttered, clearly hating the whole Bailey idea. 'Why can't we just blow the bloody Founder out an airlock?' he thought, watching the crazy crew cavorting around.

They prepared to beam down on Bailey II.

"Is there any advice you can give us to prepare us for this place?" Sisko asked. He wanted answers; here he was, on some wacky mission with Picard, who obviously wasn't the sanest spectator in the crowd.

"Well, the items you've chosen will help you-blend in, so to speak," Picard looked rather ridiculous in his nose and shoes; it was hard to believe that he was one of the most distinguished Captains the Fleet. "The natives seem to be friendly, as long as you go along with their fun." He smiled cryptically, not giving anything else away.

They beamed down into what looked like a town, except that all of the buildings were merely facades-fronts of stores, banks, homes, all made to look like real buildings.

"What the..."Kira said, as she fell flat on her face. "Damn shoes!" her muffled voice came from the ground; Odo giggled, brandishing the oo-gah horn, "First day on the new feet?" he asked, helping her up.

"Watch your tongue, shapeshifter, or you're sleeping in the bucket tonight!!" Kira warned.

Suddenly, a loud laughing came from one of the pseudo buildings. The group stopped in their tracks.

"Who's there?" Sisko yelled. His hat kept falling down over his eyes, and he pushed it back, annoyed that this little costume kept him from looking "tough". He called out, "This is Benjamin..."

His sentence was cut off abruptly by a scream, coming from what looked like a tent in the distance. Sisko spun around and faced Picard. "All right, friend, what the hell is going on?"

Jean Luc shook his head. "Dude, I've no idea! Every other time I've been here, it was great fun!" he looked around, bewildered. "I guess we should go and see."

They started off toward the tent. As they walked, they realized that all of the grass was fake, as were the trees and most of the wildlife. The trees were made out of cardboard, with trunks of wooden planks. The various life forms (squirrels, rabbits, bugs, snakes, etc) were made of paper mache.

"This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen." Miles said, while looking at a fake opossum.

"We're not in Kansas anymore," Ezri added.

"God I HATE that phrase." Julian retorted.

"Oh, go suck an egg."

"Oh yeah? Make me!" Julian stuck his tongue out at Dax.

"Yeah! Maybe I will!"

The two wandered ahead, bickering. As they rounded the corner of the psuedo building, they saw two beautiful female jesters talking and making fun of their "new visitors."

"Hey!" said Ezri to the women, while Julian began to drool, "That's pretty rude to talk about us like that!"

"What?" said the red-haired jester as she turned to look at Ezri. "Oh! Not you!"

About this time the Defiant crew, along with Picard, had created a semi-circle around the two alien women.

The blonde jester said, "Not at all! At least you are all dressed for the planet! Some other people beamed down a little while ago with no costumes, so they were whisked away to the Big Top to get dressed!" She pointed to the large tent in the distance.

The redhead piped up again, this time looking at Odo. "And their leader was an uptight female that looked a lot like you."

Odo's eyes glazed over. Kira gingerly caressed her phaser.

Behind the Defiant crew, several transporter beams appeared depositing Riker, Crusher, LaForge, Troi, and Redshirt, all wearing clown wigs of various colors. They also carried hand-held helium balloon inflators.

Picard turned to his First Officer. "Boy am I glad to see you! The Founder somehow arrived before us!"

Sisko looked disgusted. "We were too excited getting ready for the planet, so no one bothered to look at the sensors. Why didn't the Enterprise detect the Jem'Hadar vessel?"

Riker inhaled some helium and explained. "I guess because we were pooling our resources to fix up these neat inflators!"

"Wait, where's Data?" Picard asked.

Geordi inhaled helium and answered, "He and Ro Laren are finishing the repairs on the Warp Core." Data had confided in Geordi that he needed to upload the star maps from the Defiant, so LaForge let him stay in order to repair everything.

Picard looked confused. "Why is Ro Lar....? Oh, nevermind! Let's go!"

Riker and Bashir stayed behind to chat with the jesters.

As the rest of the officers headed for the Big Top, they kept inhaling helium and singing "Oklahoma."

* * * *


The Founder took another look at herself, and screamed again. The inhabitants of Bailey II had seen fit to dress her in a bright purple leotard with silver trim. Then a clown handed her a balancing pole and invited her to walk the tightrope. Weyoun, dressed in full clown garb, shrank away from the Founder and crawled into a large red rodeo barrel.

After the Founder's first scream, the Jem'Hadar scampered out and into the tent beside the Big Top. This tent held a saloon that was quite akin to the Old West. They sat drinking tequila and spoke with a southern drawl. Admiral Nechayev and Kai Winn had since found belly-dancer outfits, and were dancing for all the drunks.

* * * *


The Starfleet Officers finally entered the Big Top. The Founder, located towards the far left of the tent, spotted them and was able to duck and morph into a rodeo barrel without anyone noticing.

* * * * Back on the Enterprise, Data worked on the Core, having finished uploading the star maps.

Laren happened to glance at the sensors. "Ummm.....Data. Guess who took the Yellow Brick Road pass to get here ahead of us....."

* * * *


In the tent, Redshirt immediately forgot his Starfleet duties and happily ran straight for the tightrope. To Worf's right, there was a man juggling torches. In the center ring, lions and their tamer put on an excellent performance. The loud circus music gave O'Brien a headache, so he grabbed LaForge and pulled him outside to go exploring.

It didn't take long for Odo and Kira to become bored. They were unable to locate the Founder in the Big Top, so they decided to look elsewhere. As they approached the saloon tent, two transporter beams appeared.

* * * *


Suddenly, the doors to the "saloon" swung open, and in strode Data. He had shucked his Starfleet uniform, opting instead for a very Terminator-like outfit, which was offset a bit by the white clown wig. He loved the feel of the black leather pants against his legs. The black t-shirt was almost hidden by the black leather jacket; on the back of the jacket were red airbrushed words that read, simply, "John Conner sent me." In his hands he carefully held a very mean-looking water machine gun, which was filled with Hershey's chocolate syrup.

Ro Laren had dressed in an outfit similar to Data's, except on the back of her jacket was an airbrushed picture of the Cardassian Gul Dukat. The caption below his picture read, "Cardie's Suck." She held a pellet gun loaded with M&M's.

Data slowly removed his sunglasses, dropped them, and surveyed the room. Then his eyes fell on the Jem'Hadar; light glinted off his pearly white teeth as his maniacal grin grew even wider.

Odo and Kira stood behind Ro and Data, waiting in anticipation.

* * * *


A knife-thrower had tricked Ezri into assisting him, and she was now tied to the Spinning Wheel of Death.

Ensign Redshirt skillfully walked the tightrope. Suddenly, Picard smirked, then screamed at the top of his lungs, "HEY, REDSHIRT!" which immediately caused the Ensign to lose his balance, and he plummeted to his death among the lions.

The torch juggler was taken aback by this, and as he jumped one of his torches entangled in Worf's tutu causing it to explode in a burst of flames. "AAAHHHHH!" Worf screamed as he tore the flaming tutu from his body. It landed near the edge of the tent and before anyone could extinguish the flames, the Big Top began to burn to the ground.

Everyone scattered. Worf ran to free Ezri. Picard, Crusher, Troi, and Sisko hurried towards the saloon tent. The Founder and Weyoun quietly slipped out, attempting to find the Jem'Hadar.

* * * *


Ro Laren began the battle, shooting an M&M at a Jem'Hadar. The candy treat knicked a hole in the hose that delivered Ketracel White to the soldier's neck. Data quickly shot chocolate syrup into the hose, making the Jem'Hadar's head explode.

Kira glanced at Odo. "Wow."

"No kidding."

Picard, Sisko, Troi, and Crusher entered the saloon, saw the enemy, and began firing phasers. The officers were so busy fighting the Jem'Hadar, that they didn't see Nechayev and Kai Winn pull Sisko and Picard to the right side of the tent. Still dressed in belly-dancer costumes, they began their seductive dance, hoping to lure Sisko and Picard into worshiping them. The Captains watched mesmerized at the sight. Kai Winn wiggled her hips seductively as Nechayev winked and bent down to attempt to show a little cleavage. Picard and Sisko looked at each other.

"Do you see what I see?" asked Picard.

"Yes." Ben answered.

"Bloody hell."

"I know the feeling."

Suddenly, Data noticed the Founder and Weyoun sneaking into the saloon. "JOING!" he yelled as he chased them.

Odo spied the Founder, Weyoun, and Data running out the back, and yelled, "Kira! MAKEE!" He quickly freed himself of his floppy shoes, and ran behind Data.

Kira looked over in time to see all of them, and in no time was right on Odo's heels.

* * * *


LaForge and O'Brien stood staring at the cannon they had discovered, distracted only by Ezri screaming, "Worf, you klutz!" as she and Worf ran out of the burning tent. Miles and Geordi looked at each other and nodded in understanding.

"Hey, Worf!" they yelled in unison.

Worf turned their way. "Yes?"

"We need to show you something." An evil grin spread across Geordi's face.

"What do you want to show me?"

Miles smiled. "It's a surprise."

Worf hopped up and down excitedly and ran to them.

O'Brien slid a stool under the cannon. "Yes, Worf, you'll like this surprise!"

LaForge slapped his hand on Worf's shoulder. "Now step up here and look in and you'll see your surprise!"

Worf looked in and Miles and Geordi stuffed him into the cannon.

* * * *


The Jem'Hadar were dust. Troi slumped against the bar and sighed. Dr. Crusher noticed Winn and Nechayev dancing for Sisko and Picard and exclaimed, "Oh, ew! That's sick!"

Troi lifted her head. "I sense malevolent thoughts."

Ro winced and looked at Beverly. "You're right, that is sick!"

"We need to save the Captains! What should we do?" Bev frantically looked around.

Troi peeked at Picard and Sisko. "Anything but stand here and watch."

Nechayev saw Troi, Crusher, and Ro staring, and knew she and Winn were about to lose the Captains. "Eight ball, corner pocket!" she screamed as she grabbed Picard's head and slammed it into Sisko's. Their heads collided with a loud crack before they both fell unconscious.

Beverly spied something on a wall near her. "Licorice whips!"

Troi grabbed a whip and exclaimed, "When a problem comes along, you must whip it!"

"Whip it! Whip it good!"

Now armed with their trusty whips, Ro, Troi, and Crusher began chasing Winn and Nechayev around the saloon.

* * * *


The Founder ran down a hill, with Weyoun behind her, Data behind Weyoun, then Odo, then Kira. To the right of the hill stood a beautiful lake that sparkled in the sunlight. Suddenly, Kira tripped over her floppy shoes causing a humanoid avalanche which reached its conclusion on top of Weyoun at the bottom of the hill.

Data, with his clown wig a bit askew, checked the Vorta's pulse. "Well, I guess they will have to clone another Weyoun."

* * * *


"I need a lighter!" O'Brien exclaimed.

LaForge looked up to see two enraged jesters chasing Riker and Bashir, both swinging maces behind the Starfleet Officers' heads. "Got a light, Commander?"

Riker tossed Geordi a lighter as he ran past.

Miles and Geordi moved the cannon and aimed it at a lake.

"Okay, contact!" yelled LaForge.

"Contact!" Miles confirmed.

"Fire away!"

They lit the cannon and whipped out a few cameras, hearing Worf yell, "Guys? Guys? This isn't funnNNNNNYYYYYYYYY!"

"Yes it is!" LaForge yelled after him. Camera flashes lit up the area.

* * * *


The Founder looked up just in time to see a Klingon flying toward her. Worf slammed into the Changeling and they careened into the lake. A few moments later, the Founder poked her head above water and screeched, "I'm melting! I'm melting!" Then a shapeless golden gel could be seen floating on the lake.

Kira looked at Odo. "Does that mean we can't shower together?"

"No. That only works with evil people. I'm a good guy!"

"Cool!"

Data helped a crispy, soaking wet Worf out of the lake, and the four officers headed back to the saloon tent.

* * * *


Julian and Riker, having somehow eluded the jesters, sauntered up to Geordi and Miles.

"What happened? I heard a loud blast!" Riker raised his eyebrows.

O'Brien and LaForge showed them the pictures of Worf, and they all laughed hysterically.

Ezri appeared with her camcorder. "Haha! You'll have to give me latinum to see the video!"

They saw Worf, Data, Kira, and Odo, and headed towards them.

Ro walked out of the saloon tent, and behind her two large wooden kegs were being rolled by Crusher and Troi. Ro smiled at Data. "Winn and Nechayev are in the barrels. The Captains are unconscious on the floor. Did you have a good time on the planet, too?"

"The Founder and Weyoun are dead. Kira wants to take a shower with Odo. I was able to see Worf imitate a cannonball. I have had a great time on this planet!"

Data and Odo walked into the tent, picked up their respective Captains, and carried them outside. Suddenly, the Starfleet Officers heard chanting from all around them.

"You burned down our Big Top. You burned down our Big Top......"

Bailey II inhabitants appeared from all sides carrying various weapons. Riker clicked his commbadge. "Riker to Enterprise! Get us out of here!"

"Uh oh!" Odo immediately grabbed his companions up in his substance as he morphed into a giant ball and started rolling away from danger.

The officers left in charge of the Enterprise beamed the Odo-ball directly to Cargo Bay 2, and Odo then morphed back to humanoid, releasing everyone.

Riker looked at Kira. "You know, with our Captains unconscious, we are in command and can go wherever we want!"

Kira smirked. "Risa?"

"RISA!"



(c) 1999 Regina Black, Amy Joing, and Chrysa Makee. All rights reserved.







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