A: We have fifty single guys (or an approximation thereof), and now here's our female contestant, captain of the Federation starship Voyager, currently on a seventy (or seven) year mission to the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn Janeway!

(They lead the blindfolded captain out and seat her behind some panels.)

J: Not funny, Tuvok.

A: OK, we've divided up the guys, and you get to narrow them down according to six categories: Age, Body, Distinguishing Features, Bat'telh Proficiency, Species, and Shuttlecraft Loss Record. Pick one.

J: Let's start with species.

A: Talaxian or Non-Talaxian.

J: Do you even have to ask? Non.

(Neelix gets up and leaves.)

A: Got rid of one, pick another category.

J: Shuttlecraft Loss Record.

A: Fewer then five or more then ten?

J: I may want to get lost on a shuttlecraft with them, more then ten.

(About 20 leave, including Harry Kim.)

A: Uh huh, OK, pick another.

J: Body.

A: Stud or dud?

J (Sarcastically): Hmm, gee that's a tough one, give me a moment. Stud.

(Most of the rest of the men leave. Surprisingly, Tom Paris doesn't.)

A: Dude, you just ain't studly.

P: My card says yes.

A: Who'd you steal it from?

A2: We don't have time, just let the assmunch stay.

A: OK, we now have six single men left. Come on up here and say hi to our lovely captain.

Q: I'll take you anywhere you want to go and be anything you want me to be...

Bashir: Just call me the Love Doctor...

Worf: Klingons do not appear on game shows.

Riker: Hey baby!

P: That was my line!

C: I'm sure you can handle me... In whatever way you want.

A2: OK, let's narrow these down, pick one and ask a question.

J: I recognize number 5. Get his smarmy ass out of here. Number 1--

R: Yes?

A: Contestant one, Dumbass.

J: Would you please let us get rid of Paris?

Q: Not yet.

J: He's out. Number 4, show off your bat'telh skills.

(The crowd response is quite good.)

J: Keep him. Number 2, pose for us.

(Shrieks, whistles, and cat calls.)

J: The doctor is *in*.

A: We're almost out of time, so ask both these contestants one question.

J: If you could take me anywhere in the galaxy for a romantic evening, where would it be?

R: Risa.

C: My quarters.

J: Let's get rid of that first one. NOW!

A2: Last round: based on their answers, these gentlemen will advance towards the winner's circle. Will it be The Love Doctor, The Tattooed Commander, or The Klingon Love Machine?

W: Klingons *are* love machines.

A: Paris: Annoying Assmunch or Nice City?

C: Assmunch.

B: Assmunch.

W: Assmunch.

J: Assmunch.

A: Bat'telh or Lirpa?

C: Bat'telh.

B: Lirpa.

W: Bat'telh.

J: Bat'telh.

A: Tattoos: Yes or No Way?

C: Hell yeah.

B: Sure, why not?

W: Uh, no!

J: Yes!

A: Chocolate: Food or Life?

C: Life.

B: Life.

W: Neither.

J: Life.

A: Dog or Cat.

C: Dog.

B: Cat.

W: Taarg.

J: Dog.

A: And we have a winner...

T: Captain to the bridge!

J: Hhumpfffd.

T: Oh, Captain, are you there? Are you? Are you?

J: Tuvok, this had better be important, I was trying to sleep, and having most pleasant dreams...

T: It seems we have encountered a Federation ship.

J: Yeah, so?

T: Well, they seem to be few and far between in the Delta Quadrant.

J: Oh, yeah, that. I'll be up there soon.

T: Shall I wake the commander?

J: No, leave that to me. (Shuts off comm badge.) Chakotay! Wake up!

C: Not now, my little cheesecake...

J: Commander!

C: Oh, all right. I'm awake.

J: We need to go to the bridge.

C: Great. Mmmm, bridge.

(On the bridge a short time later.)

T: They're hailing us.

J: On screen.

(The viewscreen reveals a Klingon in the command chair, with a man in a blue uniform standing next to him, slanting sideways, with his arms crossed. Another one, with no discernible eyebrows, stands on the other side (also standing with his arms crossed, though not slouching sideways). There are also two women on the bridge, looking perky and/or grumpy.)

W: I am Lt. Commander Worf of Deep Space Nine and the Starship Defiant.

P: Is that damned Ferengi still around there?

W: Unfortunately, the constable does not see fit to keep him in the brig.

O: I'd rather keep *you* there.

J: This is all well and nice, but how did you get out here and can you get us home? I'd like to see my dog.

W: Wormhole accident. Don't know how to duplicate it.

D: If we (Insert long string of technobabble here), we may be able to return ourselves, and we'll probably say we can take you along, but at the last minute something will force you to stay here until the end of your series.

J: I see. Care to come over for a cold beer?

KN: We're there, dude.

O: I don't drink.

KN: It's time to start.

W: Oh, by the way, have you heard of the Kazon? They wanted to have sex with us, so we destroyed them.

J: Are you sure they said 'sex' and not 'sects'?

W: Well, not exactly, but they're destroyed, nonetheless.

C: I suppose it would be too much to hope that Seska was aboard.

KN: Who?

T: Never mind.

W: In the Alpha Quadrant, people can clearly enunciate.

J: This is a strange region of space.

W: Obviously. We're on our way over.

(In the transporter room.)

J: Welcome aboard the U.S.S. Voyager. I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway, this is my first officer Commander Chakotay, and my head of security, Lieutenant Tuvok.

W: This is Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax, our chief medical officer...

B: Bashir, Julian Bashir.

W: Doctor Bashir, Major Kira Nerys, and Constable Odo.

KN: Nice ship.

C: It serves its purpose.

B: Which would be?

T: A starship version of Risa.

D: Hmm, Kira, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

KN: Shore leave?

D: Bingo.

B: Ah, yes. I wholeheartedly agree.

W: When I want your opinion, Doctor, I'll beat it out of you.

J: Well, why don't we give you a tour? We can start with engineering.

B: How about sickbay?

KN: Engineering.

O: Engineering.

W: Sickbay.

J: Well, why don't we split up? Commander Dax, Major Kira and I can go to engineering. The rest of you can go to sickbay.

KN: Sounds good to me.

O (Under his breath): Dammit.

(In sickbay.)

C: Activate emergency holographic program.

HD: Please state the nature of... Leaping Lizards! Who the hell are you? And where the hell are your eyebrows?

O: Where the hell is your hair?

HD: Bald is sexy. Just ask Patrick Stewart.

O: Who?

B: Picard.

W: He did seem to be quite popular...

O: Do shut up.

B: Gentlemen, can't we all just get along?

O: No.

W: Yes. (Glares at Odo.)

T: Why don't we all play nice, now?

C: Uh, why don't you stay out of it?

T: This is not the time for this, Chakotay.

C: It's a perfect time for this!

B: How familiar. Wonder where I heard this before?

T: Why don't you...

C: Why don't you go play in the decompressed shuttle bay?

T: Commander, go clean out the photon torpedo tubes.

HD: Why don't the two of you shut up... Chakotay, Tuvok, still fighting. I've had to listen to this for centuries, whoops, seasons. Hey, where'd Eyebrow Boy go?

W: He left. Not that we care. Probably shifting into Kira's uniform.

B: He'd go for her underwear, if anything.

HD: I'll add it to his medical record.

B: Already there.

(The women go to engineering and decide it's boring, so they and B'elanna head for the ready room. A wall seems to follow them.)

KN: So, that first officer of yours...

J: Mine.

KN: Security officer?

BT: Mine.

KN: Ah, too bad. Shakaar... Well, he just doesn't do it for me anymore.

(A loud "YES!" is heard, seemingly coming from the wall. They look around, but decide that it was just their collective imaginations.)

D: There is a certain constable you might want to try...

KN: Odo? Hmmm... I guess I never thought of it like that...

(At this point the wall is practically smiling.)

D: Well, maybe you should have.

KN: Maybe I should...

BT: What about that doctor, or the Klingon?

(The wall scowls.)

KN: That's Jadzia's department.

(The wall is again pleased.)

D: Decisions. It's so hard to narrow it down to just one of the two.

BT: Who says you have to?

D: Point. But it's just so much simpler that way.

J: True. I wouldn't want to have to bother with keeping up with two right now.

KN: So, your first officer is that good?

J: Better.

D: Hmmm...

J: Don't even think about it.

KN: Odo... Hmmm, after all he can shift into any shape I want...

D: Go for it, dude.

KN: Only if you go for either Bashir or Worf. I don't care which.

(The wall is dancing by this point. Everyone else is facing in the other direction, though. (Those compromising holos of Dax with Morn and Jake, and a threat to show them to Sisko, had really paid off, even despite the time (and high level of disgust) involved.))

D: Ohh, but...

J: She's chicken.

BT: Bawwk!

D: Hmmmm... which one to choose. Worf is, after all, a Klingon.

J: Definite point in his favor.

D: But Julian, well, he's Julian.

J: It is a difficult dilemma. Romulan ale?

D: Sure. Maybe that will make things clearer.

J: Shall you throw darts to settle it?

D: How?

BT: We'll blindfold you, put a picture of Worf and the good doctor out, let you throw a dart, and whichever the dart is closer to, you take.

KN: Cool!

D: OK, why the hell not?

(They set everything up, and put the pictures on the formerly dancing wall. Jadzia throws the dart. The wall starts to wince.)

BT: And we have a winner. Shall I call the lucky man?

KN: Hell, yeah!

(They go onto the bridge.)

BT: Doctor Bashir! Please report to the captain's ready room immediately.

KN: Odo! Get your ass down to my quarters!

O: Any other parts I should get down there?

KN: Just bring it all and we'll sort it out later...

J: Hell, Chakotay and Tuvok, report to my ready room immediately. Actually, Chakotay, report to my quarters. Tuvok, B'elanna will give you further instructions.

C: Aye, aye, Captain...

BT: Tuvok, you know where.

T: On my way, beautiful.

J: Shall we meet back here tomorrow?

D: 08:00 hours.

KN: Synchronize chronometers.

(Mission Impossible music, and they all head off in different directions.)

O: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!

(Slams Bashir against a bulkhead as he flies past. Bashir picks himself up and dusts himself off.)

B: What the hell was that all about?

W: The major beckons.

B: Aahhhhhhhhh. And speaking of beckoning, I'd better be on my way as well.

W: I see. The blond bimbo from sickbay?

B: No, Jadzia asked to see me.

W: She... did. (Klingon tempers begin to flare.)

B: Uh, yeah, gotta go. Bye now. (Mutters to himself) Can't talk to a psycho like a normal sentient being.

(Down in the galley the next morning, Tuvok, Odo, Chakotay, and Bashir are on top of some tables in the galley doing the Vulcan Dance of Bliss, which involves chorus line kicks, cabbage patching, and moshing. Stone Temple Pilots' song, "Vasoline," is the music of choice. Food flies to various regions of the room, but considering the quality it wasn't a great loss anyway. Worf glowers, and then goes to find his bat'telh in order to kill things on the holodeck that bear a striking resemblance to a certain young doctor. Odo breaks out into a solo, the bunghole, as popularized by Beavis and Butthead. After seeing the extremely poor caliber of the dance, the other dancers decide to force him back into the chorus line. Bashir is dissuaded from his own solo by the steely gaze of the Vulcan. Tuvok, having to hold on to a squirming changeling, is upset about not being able to do his patented Chippendales solo (Remembered from his temporary spy assignment as a Chippendales dancer on Renandstimpyus 3), the one B'elanna approves so highly of. Tuvok is even more irritated when Chakotay does his tribal Damnaimasmootha dance, with similar moves to Tuvok's, performed quite skillfully. (An additional source of irritation to the Vulcan.) The women come in, and catch the eyes of their respective men. Tuvok, thinking quickly, breaks into song, after dedicating it to his one and only lady of the bat'telh, choosing Madonna's classic "Like A Virgin." This leads to curious looks from around the room, but no commentary is made (at least out loud). Janeway wonders if Tuvok's been breaking into her holoprograms again.)

BT: Impressive. Shall we go now?

T: Quite so. Galley de ikanai koto ga arimasu..

(Odo decides to follow Tuvok's lead and breaks out into song.)

O (At the chorus): I can't fight this feeling anymore!

KN: Me neither. Let's go. (Pulls on arm and stretches it while dragging him out the door.) Hmmm... Better and better.

(Chakotay, knowing a good thing when he sees it, also starts singing, his choice being from Seal, "Kiss From A Rose." He finishes, jumps off the table, and goes over to Janeway.)

C: How bout a kiss from my rose?

J (After happily obliging him): Is that all you want?

C: To start with...

(Bashir figures it's now his turn, so he starts singing Boys II Men, "Water Runs Dry". He does fairly well at it too, but Dax has heard more than enough. She goes up to him and they start freaking on the table, the music having changed to "Baby Got Back." Janeway and Chakotay decide to show them how it's really done. Thus the dance contest begins. As does the food fight. Janeway, Chakotay, Dax, and Bashir make a graceful exit just as Harry, having misinterpreted the reasons for the previous outbreaks of song, tries one of his own, "I'm Just A Girl." The food fight now is aimed directly at him, the weaponry being banana cream slug gakh pies (some of which B'elanna took with her earlier). Harry runs screaming, and Tom, looking for Kes and/or the Delaney sisters, breaks into "Give it Away." The ensuing riot takes three hours to calm down, and the galley is closed for repairs for weeks afterwards.)

KN: It was a delightful visit.

O: Can't we stay?

W: No.

D: Now, Worf, let's not be bitter.

B: Yeah, after all, the best man did win.

W: Decrapitation! Heheh ehhehe eheheh

(Odo performs the Butthead-smacking-Beavis manuever, on Worf, quite successfully.)

W: Constable, if you touch me like that again, I will have to take it as a proposition.

KN: Let's not get me sick...

J: Would you mind taking some messages back to the Alpha Quadrant for us?

W: Yes.

D: No problem.

T: If it's an imposition...

C: Shut up, Tuvok!

T: No. Make me.

J: Children, please.

T: Captain, I am over a century old and I resent your implications that I am somehow behaving childishly.

J: Tuvok, shut up.

(Chakotay sticks his tongue out.)

J: I saw that, Chakotay.

KN: Men.

D: Uh huh. So free of the ravages of intelligence.

T: Huh?

D: Can't live with em, can't shoot em.

B: So you're not moving into my quarters?

D: I wasn't referring to you, Julian.

B: So you *are* moving into my quarters?

D: We'll discuss it later, Julian.

W: You could move into *my* quarters.

B: I really don't like living on the Defiant. Thanks for the offer, though.

W: I was not referring to *you*.

(They beam back over to the Defiant, execute technobabble, and the Defiant disappears, having returned to the Alpha Quadrant.)

O: Shall we read their letters?

D: Sure, they won't mind.

B: Let's start with the captain's.

Dear Mark:

Take care of my dog. And I won't be home for approximately five more seasons, so please feel free to date, marry, have kids, etc. I've already started doing so. Just take care of my dog and her puppies. Or I'll bat'telh you when I return. Or I'll turn you over to the holodoc, whose primary influence was Dr. Kevorkian.

Ciao,

Kathryn

KN: You go girl!

D: Preach it sister!

Dear Dad:

Hahahahahah. I'm still alive. Which must be a great disappointment to you. The Q have decided that I shall not be expended. So, if you have a problem, take it up with them. Nyaaaanyaaaa nyaaa nyaaa na!

Your bratty son,

Tom

B: This situation should be rectified...

D: Well, none of us are on the best terms with Q.

B: We should find someone who is.

W: Oh, do you want to call Picard and make *him* deal with Q?

O: Sure.

Dear Reg:

Personality going great. Just one question: this Goddess of Empathy from my memory banks, where can I find her?

The Emergency Medical Hologram

W: Goddess of empathy. That was a good program... I should run it again soon...

T'Pel:

My wife (Only in the loosest sense of the word): I will not return to the Alpha Quadrant for a while, probably not before my next pon farr, so therefore I have already begun preparations. In short, find a new husband. Bye now.

Tuvok

KN: See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!

Dear Children:

Won't be home for a while. Am divorcing your mother. My Klingon woman will accompany me home. Practice your bat'telh daily, there will be a test when I get home. Just kidding, about the test. The bat'telh is important. Behave and study Klingon culture.

Miss you,

Dad

O: Well, isn't that *special*?

To: Maquis Headquarters
From: Chakotay
Re: Take this job and...

Gentlemen:

I quit. So does B'elanna. Seska's a Cardassian spy, Tuvok's a Starfleet spy. Bunch of other people dead. To be brief, give me my money and leave me the hell alone. Sayonara, dudes.

Chakotay

O: Several less Maquis I have to worry about...

Dear Mom,

Check out a Vulcan for your next husband. Show them the logic of the bat'telh and I'm sure you will be most pleased with the results.

B'elanna

KN: Interesting...

O: Hmph.

KN: Just interesting. Not fascinating or anything like that.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

Camp is lots of fun, except when I'm being sucked out into space. The food is bad, but it's been better since the first cook died under "mysterious" circumstances (I was playing on the bridge at the time). I have made new friends. One is Tom, who is an assmunch, but the Q like him, so I have to be nice. I also have a new Klingon friend. She's buff, but she's also dating the head counselor, a surly Vulcan who takes a dim view of people messing with his woman. There's also an Ocampan, but the holodoctor (the vicious camp nurse) threatens weekly proctological exams for anyone who asks her out. Tom is in sickbay for exams daily. The camp director is nice and very good with a bat'telh. I'm hoping to soon learn how to use one. The assistant director has a cool tattoo. Can I get one? I have to go now, since I have to play on the bridge some more. Will you send my teddy and real food? Bye.

Love,

Harry Monster

B: Uhh, what the hell is this crap?

W: Maquis secret code! Maquis secret code!

THE END

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