(Once again, inspiration strikes at the most inopportune of times.  But I
didn't really want to pass that physics test anyway.  Anyway, contained
herein is the usual madness, shameless self-promotion, rampant
megalomania, strange references, obligatory bat'telhs, pointless violence,
and other assorted silliness.  What you won't find:  plot, correct grammar
(Well, you might find that after my editor gets through), or anything
resembling a real story or maturity.)

(Editor's Note:  For those unfamiliar with The Goddess's usual M.O., *she*
writes 'em and *I* proof-and-post 'em.  E-mail sent to
fyrdrakken@mail.utexas.edu will eventually be forwarded on to her.)

Disclaimer: Paramount owns both DS9 and Voyager, all the characters yatta
yatta yatta.  And to the best of my knowledge, the writers of Voyager and
Jake Sisko are not one and the same.

"The Trials of a Low Class Serial Writer" (DS9/VOY Parody)
By The Goddess

   "Hey, Dad!  Wanna go play a game of baseball in the holosuites?"
   "Not now, Jake!  The captain and the commander have just survived a
plasma storm that destroyed all their equipment.  Maybe they'll actually
get around to sleeping together now!"  Ben Sisko was riveted to his new
book, "Resolutions", #40 in the ongoing serial "Star Trek: Voyager".
   "I wouldn't count on it," Jake mumbled under his breath.  "Not unless I
get a date sometime in the near future."
   "What was that, Son?"
   "Nothing, Dad."
   "You know, you really ought to start reading these.  They're very well
written, maybe you could pick up some writing tips from them.  It's all
about this starship that gets lost in the Delta Quadrant, and there's a
Starfleet and Maquis crew and they have to learn to work together. 
There's all sorts of enemies, like these Vidiians..."
   "Uh, yeah, Dad, I think I heard something about it."
   "Probably from Dax.  She got me started on them.  Can you believe she's
got the whole set?"
   "Dax?" Jake moaned.
   "Yep.  Anyway, I'd like to get back to this now."
   "OK, whatever."
   "They held hands!  They held hands!  Kiss her!  Kiss her, you idiot!"
   "Settle down Dad, it's just a book."
   "It's not just a book!"
   "Fine, a whole bunch of books."
   "They're more then that, Son.  Why, just this morning Gul Dukat called
me to ask if I'd read "The Swarm" yet.  And he wanted me to get him copies
of "Tattoo" and "The Chute".  Seems the Founders can't get enough of that
one.  They're bringing the galaxy a little closer together."
   "Please don't make me heave, Dad."
   "One of these days, you'll understand, Jake.  Why don't you go down to
Quark's and I'll try and catch up with you there later?"
   "Sure, Dad," Jake said, grateful to make his escape.

   "Jake!  I haven't seen you in a long time!  Been too busy with the
writing?"  Miles O'Brien clapped the young Sisko on the back.
   "Uh, who told you?" Jake blurted out.
   "Oh so you've gotten some work done on your great Alpha Quadrant
novel?  Marvelous!"
   "Uh, yeah, it's coming along."
   "Probably been too busy to check out this new book series,"  Miles
said, waving #15, "Learning Curve", at Jake.  "The engineering is a little
off, I mean, who ever heard of bio-neural gel-packs, but they're still a
great read.  Keiko just finished "Lifesigns" and she can't stop talking
about it.  And she reads "Innocence" to Molly and Kirayoshi at night. 
It's the only thing that calms Kirayoshi down."
   "That's nice, Chief," Jake's voice was a little strained.
   "Oh, don't think that we like the writing better then yours, Jake. 
These are just for fun."
   "Thanks, Chief," Jake answered quickly.

   Jake moped into Quark's, hoping a couple of rounds of dom jot would
perk his mood up.  "What can I get for you?" Quark asked, visions of
latinum dancing in his eyes.
   "An extra large hot chocolate, with whipped cream and cinnamon."
   "Ah, Jake Sisko's cure for writer's block," Nog said as he pulled up a
stool next to Jake.  "Not like that guy who writes Voyager.  He never has
writer's block.  Comes out with a new addition to his serial every week. 
I'll bet he just rakes in the latinum."
   "Not so that you'd notice," Jake muttered.
   Quark interrupted, "Besides, it's more than one author, see, Jeri
Taylor, Brannon Braga, Michael Piller..."  No one noticed how Jake winced
as Quark rattled off each name.
   "Probably," agreed Nog.  "I"ll have a root beer float," he said turning
to Quark, before continuing, "Have you read "Future's End" yet?  Numbers
49 and 50?  That writer really knows his earth history.  Those twentieth
century humans really were a bunch of "freakasauruses".  And that Kazon
kid in "Initiations", you just have to like him."
   "Yeah, but "False Profits" was much better.  And can you believe the
Nagus liked it so much he didn't even take a percentage of the profits for
the use of his title?  I don't know why, though...  I mean the Ferengi in
that were so stupid they deserved to get beaten.  Reminds me of Brunt..." 
Quark said.
   "Reminds me of you," Odo answered in his normal grouchy tones as he
came in the door.
   "Don't tell me you read these too, Constable?" Jake cried.
   "Well, just a few..."
   "A few?" Quark laughed.  "He's read all of them.  Sometimes twice."
   "I've only read three of them twice," Odo responded indignantly.
   "Which three?" Nog questioned.
   ""Meld", for the investigative techniques, "Projections", and "Coda"."
   ""Coda"?" Quark laughed even harder.
   "I like the part where she asks Chakotay to go sailing with her."
   "Are you talking about those Voyager novels?  I just love those!" 
Leeta exclaimed as she approached with Rom in tow.
   "We read them together," Rom said, snuggling in closer to Leeta.
   Jake slid even further down in his seat as Leeta continued, "Rom likes
"Dreadnaught", but I think "Blood Fever" was much better."
   "Why don't I just shoot myself now and get it over with?"  Jake left as
Leeta, Odo and the three Ferengi begin a serious discussion on the
literary merits of "Elogium".

   Bashir was enrapt in his copy of "The Darkling".  "I'm just sure the
author must have met Dr. Zimmerman," he muttered bitterly.
   "Hey, Doctor, are you up for a game of darts?" Jake asked.
   "Not right now, Jake, I'm trying to finish this book."
   "Not you, too!"
   "Well, they're good books, Jake."
   "The plots are contrived, the enemies weak, Neelix has to be the most
annoying character ever imagined..."
   "I didn't say they were perfect, but while I'm reading them, I'm
entertained.  Isn't that what counts?"
   "Whatever."
   "But this holodoctor character, it seems just like the real one.  The
author must have met Dr. Zimmerman, that backstabbing, conniving,
double-crossing...  Oh I'm sorry, what was I saying?"  Julian paused for a
moment before going off on a totally different tangent.  "At least this
Doctor gets a date every once in awhile."
   "I'll just go see if Morn's busy..."
   "Oh you didn't hear?"
   "Hear what?"
   "After Morn finished reading "Threshhold", he went up to one of the
visiting Vedeks and offered to take her past warp 10.  She pepper-sprayed
him.  He offered to show her his salamanders.  She kicked him.  He offered
to give her some salamander of her own.  She hit him over the head with a
chair.  He offered to show her real evolution.  She had Odo throw him in
the lockup.  He should be out next week."
   "Great."  Jake rolled his eyes and left, considering a permanent move
to the Delta Quadrant.

   "WORF!" Jake shouted to be heard over the loud music coming from Worf's
headphones.  The Klingon whirled around, startled, and turned his music
down.  "What was *that*?"
   "Someone replaced my Klingon opera recordings with Kenny G."
   "So why didn't you turn it off?"
   "Um....  Well, you see..."
   "Never mind.  At least you're not toting around one of those damn books."
   "The Voyager books?"  Worf asked pulling "Macrocosm" out from under his
console.  Jake nearly started to cry, as Dax and his father came into the
room, deep in conversation.
   "Well," Jadzia smiled, ""Flashback" was very good. I mean, the author
obviously researched it very well.  I was there, you know."
   "Q was also very accurate," Worf added.  "Not as much in "Deathwish",
but definitely in "The Q and the Grey"."
   "Did you see the discussion on that one?"
   "Discussion?" Sisko was intrigued.
   "Oh, yeah," Dax said, "There's a whole comm channel devoted to
discussion and furthering the novels."
   "Furthering the novels?" Sisko asked, intrigued.
   "You know, doing things with the characters that the writer won't do."
   "Like having the captain and the first officer sleeping together?"
Sisko asked excitedly, while Kira eyed him suspiciously.
   "Exactly.  That happens quite a bit," Dax said as Sisko ran for the computer.
   "They go into great detail," Worf added solemnly.
   "And there's a great parody series written on them," O'Brien added.
   "Yes, the parodiest -- or would that be parodier? -- Anyway, she does
point out the shocking lack of bat'telhs in the series," Worf said in all
seriousness.  "She has the soul of a Klingon."  Dax gave him a dirty look.
   "Whoa, look at all the J/C stories!  I'll have reading material for the
next month, at least!"  Benjamin Sisko was pleased beyond words.  Kira
moved to place Worf and Dax strategically in front of her, lest Sisko get
any ideas about a first officer's role from those stories.  Jake slunk out
of the room, mumbling something about the need for censorship, as Kasidy
and Nog came in, discussing "Basics", parts one and two.
   "You know, Ben, don't these stories seem a little familiar to you?"
Kasidy asked.
   "What do you mean?"
   "Well, like in "Caretaker", they come to the station and Quark plays a role."
   "And doesn't the "Jetrel" remind you an awful lot of Dr. Mora?" Odo asked.
   "I did meet a guy named Tuvok in that alternate universe," Sisko said
thoughtfully.  "And in "Deadlock" they had another parallel universe."
   "I have encountered many parallel universes and time travel phenomena,"
Worf said.
   "Oh you said it," O'Brien agreed.  "Seems like we ran into something
like that every other week on the Enterprise.  At least here it's down to
once every couple of months."
   "I know.  The Enterprise logs were required reading in my class on
Parallel Universes, Alternate Dimensions, and Time Travel at the academy,"
Nog said.
   "Or meeting historical figures.  You met Kirk, and in "The 37's" they
met Amelia Earhart." Dax said.
   "And doesn't "Cathexis" remind you of when that alien archive made us
act out their power struggle?" Kira asked.  "The details are different,
but it's the same thing.
   "And in "State of Flux", Seska betrayed Chakotay like Kasidy betrayed
you, Captain," Bashir mentioned, while Kasidy kicked him under the table.
   "Or in "Tuvix", I'm sure one of our many transporter malfunctions could
have brought that one around," Bashir said, and received a kick from
O'Brien.
   "Dax, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
   "I think so Benjamin, but how will we get Quark in a tutu?"
   "No, I mean that someone on the station must be writing these books!"
   "Like who?" Odo asked.
   "There's only one person it could be..." Sisko started.
   "A master at listening and lying," Bashir joined in.
   "Who?" demanded Kira.
   "Garak," Worf said.

END OF PART ONE


   Dax, Kasidy, Nog, Sisko, Bashir, Kira, Odo, Worf, and O'Brien headed
for Garak's tailor shop, ready to confront the Cardassian about any
involvement he might have in the series, only to find him and Ziyal
sitting on the floor reading "Investigations" and "Heroes and Demons",
respectively.
   "Fess up, Cardassian!  We know you did it!" Odo chortled almost
gleefully.  "No one else on the station would know enough about us to do
it!"
   "I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about."  Garak looked
honestly confused.  "Is this about the uniform mixup?  I already
apologized to Commander Worf for sending him Mrs. O'Brien's new dress. 
It's not my fault he tried to wear it to the reception for Admiral
Necheyev."
   "These Voyager books..." Sisko began.
   "Yes, they're very good, aren't they?  I particularly liked "Ex Post Facto"."
   "So you admit it!" Worf jumped in.
   "I admit what?"
   "That you wrote them.  That you took stories about us and twisted them
to suit some evil purpose,"  Bashir said menacingly.
   "No, I didn't write them." Garak had a complete deadpan look on his face.
   "He's lying!" Kira shouted.
   "At best, I played a minimal role in their creation." he continued over
Kira's yelling.
   "What kind of role?" Dax asked.
   "Oh I might have financed one or two or sixty-five of them."
   "For who..."
   "I'm afraid I can't reveal that.  Contract stipulations and such."
   "Who?" Sisko demanded.
   "Jabba the Hutt?"  Sisko shook his head, so Garak tried again, "Luke
Skywalker?"
   "Keep going," Sisko said.
   "Eddington?  Ometi'Klan?  Kai Winn?  Shakaar?" Garak rattled off the
names with a perfect straight face.
   "I'm waiting."  Sisko's voice was calm.  Kira turned a baseball bat
over in her hands, Worf and Dax tightened their grips on their respective
bat'telhs, Julian aimed the darts he was holding, Odo shapeshifted his
hand into a large mallet, and O'Brien played with his nunchuks.
   "Q?  Lwaxana Troi?  OK, seriously.  Who on this station knows anything
about writing?"
   "D'oh!" came the collective cry.
   "Computer!  Locate Jake Sisko!"
   "Jake Sisko is on the Promenade."
   "To the Promenade!"

   "Jake!"
   "Hi Dad.  And Dax and Worf and Julian and Miles and Chief O'Brien and
Kira and Odo and Kasidy... and the rest of your lynch mob."
   "Is there something you want to tell us?"
   "Not that I can think of."
   Worf tossed a copy of "Non Sequitur" his way.  "You know nothing about this?"
   "I don't know what you're talking about," Jake gulped.
   "You don't know anything about someone who goes by the alias of Brannon
Braga?" Odo shifted to his best interrogation face, one he'd learned from
Garak.
   "Um, well, you see, that is..."
   "Yes or no, Jake," Kira pounded the baseball bat into her palm.
   "Yes, I am Jeri Taylor and Brannon Braga and Lisa Klink and all those
other writers," Jake's voice was calm, but his face looked as though he
was ready to meet his executioner.
   "So you're responsible for "Threshhold"!"  Odo said gruffly.
   "Well, Nog let his beetle larvae crawl around the room.  I wanted to
get back at him."
   "And the rest of the galaxy in the process." O'Brien muttered.  "What
about "Cold Fire"?"
   "I had a deadline."
   "And what about "Mosaic"?"  Dax seemed more than a bit irritated.
   "I was really drunk."
   ""Prototype"?" Worf held his bat'telh in a threatening gesture.
   "I liked "Prototype"," O'Brien protested.
   "Well, I did too, but that is not the point," Worf responded.  "I'm
just trying to assign blame."
   "And all the episodes about Neelix, like "Rise", "Fair Trade",
"Parturition", and "Phage"!" Kira shouted.
   "I know what they are, you don't have to list all of them.  Besides,
those are best sellers on the Bolian market."
   "And "Favorite Son"!"  Julian made a face of disgust.
   "You try writing a novel a week!  We'll see how great yours are after
the first sixty or so!"
   "And "Prime Factors"!"  Kasidy Yates was not a happy camper.  "You
based Seska on me.."
   "You and Eddington are the only people in the Maquis I know"
   "And "Unity"!"  Sisko's voice was the loudest of all.  "You had
Chakotay sleeping with that Borg bitch!  How could you?  Come here, Jake,
let me beat you!"
   "I'm pretty sure that would constitute child abuse, Dad."
   "You're over eighteen, it's not child abuse anymore."
   "Let me explain..."
   "This had better be good."
   "It's Garak's fault..."
   "Me?"  Garak looked genuinely shocked, while the elder Sisko gave him
the patented stare of Benjamin Sisko, Destroyer of Worlds.  "I can assure
you, Captain, I have no idea what he's referring to."
   "You said that someone on that ship better score soon, or my pants
would all begin to look like bell bottoms!"
   "I was referring to Tuvok scoring!" Garak shouted.
   "Tuvok?"  The statement was enough to distract Benjamin from his train
of thought.
   "I like the idea," Garak smiled and shrugged.
   "He also likes the idea of smoking dilithium crystals while listening
to Garth Brooks," Ziyal said.  "And using Captain Sisko as a dart board."
   "That's the only way to listen to Garth Brooks," Dax said.
   "I'll deal with Garak later," Sisko growled.  "Jake, why didn't you tell us?"
   "Would you admit to having written these?"
   "Well, not all of them..." Dax said.
   "Not most of them." Worf said. "Why did you start writing them?"
   "I had debts to pay.  I ran up a big bill at the Dabo tables."
   "The Dabo tables?" Captain Sisko asked.
   "I was trying to score with Quark's new dabo girl."
   "So this is Quark's fault?" Odo grumped.
   "This morning you guys all thought the Voyager series was great, what
changed?"
   "We found out they were about us."
   "Well not exactly.  I change enough of the details.  And some of them
have nothing to do with you.  Like "Faces" or "Eye of the Needle".  Or
"The Cloud".  I stole that one from James T. Kirk's logs."
   "But they're about us."
   "Well, mostly.  Shall I insert a disclaimer: names and circumstances
changed to protect the author from brutal retaliation?"
   "Maybe "Twisted" and will probably happen "Time and Again", but not
brutal," Dax smiled.
   "Just don't offer any "Resistance"," Worf continued.
   "We're on to all your "Manuevers"," Odo joined in
   "None of your "Alliances" will be able to save you."
   "And don't try to run for the "Sacred Ground" of Bajor.  Just
"Remember", my "Alter Ego", "The Warlord", will come after you," Kira
smiled, obviously quite pleased with herself.
   "Good one, Major!" Dax said.  Odo nodded his approval
   "That wasn't funny," Jake said.

   Having diffused the lynch mob, Jake Sisko headed for his quarters. 
"Jake, I like your stories.  I like them a lot."  When Ziyal approached
him, there was a reason for the color draining out of his face.  It had
nothing to do with the rumors about Cardassian mating practices, which
equated them to Klingon sex without the rituals, but was instead caused by
the look that Garak was sending across the room.
   "Uh, thanks,"  Jake smiled nervously and gulped a few times, before
heading for the turbolifts, only to notice Garak following him with a
rather large bat'telh.  No one seemed to notice the obvious incongruity in
this.
   "Your titles are so interesting, how do you come up with them?" Ziyal purred.
   "Different places.  "Parallax" and "Persistence of Vision" came from my
physics class.  "Emanations" came from a loud argument between Bashir and
O'Brien about something on the holodeck.  Stuff like that.
   Ziyal followed him into the lift.  "And where do you come up with your
story ideas?" she asked seductively.
   "Strange dreams.  "The Thaw" came from a nightmare I had after eating a
bad burrito.  And other people's stories, personal experience..."
   "Personal experience?  How would you like to broaden those horizons?"
   Jake took several deep breaths.  "What do you mean?"
   "Well..."
   "DON'T TOUCH HER!" came a yell from Garak, three decks down.  Jake
backed to the far side of the turbolift.
   "Oh, don't worry about him..." Ziyal said, running her finger along
Jake's face.

THREE WEEKS LATER
   "Hey Nog, any messages?" Jake asked as he entered the room, after
finishing his latest episode in the ongoing serial.
   "Your dad called.  He wondered since you seem to be seeing so much of
Ziyal, now perhaps you could work in a little sex between a certain
captain and commander.  Then Kira hit him."
   "I haven't touched Ziyal...  Garak shows up whenever she starts
anything...  So the answer would probably be no."
   "That could make an interesting story...  Every time Chakotay touches
Janeway, Q shows up," Nog smiled.  Their friendship was back on track
after Jake assured Nog that the character of Neelix was based on Worf's
description of Wesley Crusher and not on Nog or any members of his family.
   "My father would kill me.  Any other messages?"
   "O'Brien wanted to talk to you about his latest so-called great story
idea.  Something about the Dominion infiltrating the Delta Quadrant.  I'm
not sure.  I stopped paying attention after a second or two.  I was
starting to fall asleep when he began to describe Neelix's death in
graphic detail."
   "If I have to listen to any more story pitches, I will go insane.  Dax
and Worf think I should throw a bunch of Klingons in.  Odo wants Tuvok to
start a detective agency.  Kira wants Torres to kill Paris.  And my father
calls me every day to remind me to do something with J/C."
   "Well, if you go insane, can I have your catalogs from Victoria's Secret?"
   "Ah yes, the definition of best friend:  the guy who stands behind you
and mocks your pain.  Any other messages?"  Jake was already plotting ways
to annoy his roommate.
   "I have a personal request:  will you kindly keep your groupies out of
my underwear?" Nog asked.  "I didn't have any to wear to duty this
morning."
   "Please tell me you replicated some."
   "I used my last replicator credit this month getting those rollerblades
last week."
   "Please tell me you found some, somewhere, and they weren't a pair of mine."
   "The first duty of a Starfleet officer is to the truth..."

END OF PART TWO
END OF STORY