Garak closed up his shop with a sigh and headed for the replimat. Undoubtedly, Julian would be there and they'd have their regular meal with their regular tea and everything would be yiggerish pudding with that grotesque sauce the writers always slopped all over everything. The one time he decided to try something new and look what happened!

Humans! Now if only Paramount had decided to air the episode where he and Julian went to that exotic colony and had sex in a waterfall...but, if wishes were riding hounds, Bajorans would ride, as Tain used to say.

"Hello Doctor," Garak sighed as he sat down.

"Hi Garak," Julian said as he picked at his food.

"What do we have to discuss today? Please tell me it has nothing to do with Shakespeare," he said woodenly.

"You can drop the act," the human sighed, "We're not on today."

Garak perked up; "We're not?"

"Nope!" Julian picked up a pickle and crunched, "Ezri's getting all the screen time and the fanfic writer's are getting into Paris/Chakotay right now so we probably won't have to do the usual bullshit for at least a couple of weeks."

"REALLY?!?" Garak's voice grew excited, "So we can do what ever we want?"

Julian blinked, "Well, yeah...I guess so..."

Garak jumped up with a clatter and walked over to a far table where Kira, Odo, and Sisko were having their lunch.

"Excuse me, but there is something I've wanted to do for a while..." Garak leaned in close to them and whispered, "Aren't you tired of the same old thing? Always screwing in holosuites with pre-lubed partners? Isn't it about time we did it our way?"

"What in the hell are you talking about Garak?" Kira asked with a scowl.

"THIS!"

The whole room stared in disbelief as Garak reached out and grabbed the officer by the uniform and pressed his hot mouth against slack, shocked lips.

Kira and Odo looked at each other and blinked.

Sisko, who was now draped over the Cardassian tailor's arm smiled widely, "Wow! I needed that."

"Want to see how far the ridges really go?" Garak asked the Captain with a leer.

"Hell, I've been waiting to get laid for so long I wouldn't care if you put on a French maid's uniform and sprayed the room pink!" Sisko said as he grabbed the bulge in Garak's pants.

Dukat, who was sitting in the far corner, shifted uncomfortably and scratched at his gartered thighs. "Don't do it," he advised adjusting his underwire bustier, "The thong alone is enough to kill the mood--trust me."

However, Garak and Sisko weren't listening. With a fierce growl, Garak tore open the other man's clothes and began to explore his dark, smooth flesh with his textured lips. Sisko panted and held on to the corner of the table as Garak began to suck at his huge, fanfiction inflated dong.

"You know, this is doing nothing for my digestion," Kira complained.

"Oh get with it Nerys!" Odo snapped, rising from his chair. "It's finally our turn to write the scene and we can do what we want with anybody we want--excuse me while I demonstrate."

Kira's jaw dropped in shock as Odo marched across the room...

...and kept on walking until he reached a nearby set.

"Excuse me, Captain Janeway?"

"Yes?" Kathryn inquired looking up into the changeling's face in surprise, "Say, aren't you that shapeshifter from Deep Space Nine?"

"Yes I am and I'd like to take this moment to point out that I am indeed fully adjustable. Now, taking a page from another fanfic writer's work, wanna shag?" Odo asked, his eyes glowing passionately.

"Holy shit do I wanna shag!" Kate said as she got up and dragged him toward her quarters. "The only het action I ever get is from the wooden Indian or when Tuvok goes into Pon Farr!"

"What about f/f?" Odo asked with a small grin.

"I have to admit, Seven and B'Elanna are nice," she grinned at him and kissed him soundly, "but I've always wanted to test drive that 'fully adjustable' technique of yours!"

"Heh heh," Odo gave her a wicked look before pulling her into the room and hitting the panel to shut off their activities from any prying eyes. Moments later shouts of pure ecstasy echoed off the walls that sounded suspiciously like, "Oh God, momma always said Jello was good for you!"

Kira slammed her fist on the table angrily, "Fuck this! When do I get some?"

"Over here, sweet thing," came a soft purr.

"B'Elanna?" Kira asked looking at the delectable half Klingon who was dressed fetchingly in a leather corset and thigh high boots, her whip held between her hands suggestively.

"Let's face it, Red," B'Elanna said as she leaned her face in close to the other woman's, "You and I are the Bitch Goddess' of Trek. Might as well compare notes, *if* you know what I mean..."

Kira grabbed Torres' firm breasts through the supple leather and kissed her mouth savagely, "Sure, why not?" she said when the kiss ended, "So, you know how to use that thing..." she asked rubbing the handle of the whip, "...or is it just for show?"

B'Elanna grabbed Kira by the crotch and dug her fingers into the hard nub of her clit, "What do you think?"

MOMENTS LATER...

Miles O'Brien walked into the replimat and froze. Everywhere he looked, naked bodies were pumping and pounding against each other. Multicoloured splotches of unknown substances dripped from every wall. Jadzia Dax, the same one that was supposedly dead, had her head buried in Lt. Uhura's lap--the same Uhura from the original Enterprise. Picard was butt-fucking Worf while Spock tried to maintain his icy Vulcan composure even though the Klingon was giving him one hellacious blowjob. Kirk was getting pounded by Julian Bashir and Ro Laren, Christine Chapel, Seven of Nine, and Ziyal (yet another of the resurrected) were dressed in amazonian garb and going at it like dogs in heat.

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?" Miles shouted.

"Oh-ah ah ah! Shut up Miles!"

The Chief turned to see his wife, Keiko, being porked doggy style by Riker as she ate out Beverly Crusher.

"What the fuck--" "It's our day off!" Keiko said, lifting her head and rolling her eyes at the confused man, "Don't you get it?"

"Go away O'Brien," Bev gasped, "Or I swear I won't be nice the next time you have to come in for a prostate exam!"

Miles swung around at the sound of a familiar moan, "Geordi! YOU TOO?!?"

Geordi grinned and slapped Chekov on his bare ass, "Hey man, this is the most fun I've had in YEARS!"

Data and the Holodoc smiled in postcoital bliss as they watched Sulu and Weyoun dance seductively on a nearby table top, "I always did appreciate your design and function..." the Doc said as he traced the android's full lips with his thumb.

"Want me to give your holo-emitter another boost?" Data asked.

Kirk, who had finished with Julian, walked over to O'Brien and squeezed his butt with a chuckle, "Lighten up, Miles. Care to have a go with a superior officer?"

"Uh, no thanks..." Miles said, backing away.

"Suit yourself," Kirk shrugged and went over to where Spock, Garak, and Harry Kim were as Julian and McCoy got into a medical discussion of a new kind.

For a moment, Miles just stood there, transfixed. Then with a smile he walked over to Dukat who was still sitting alone and drinking a Shirley Temple.

Miles sat down and smoothly rested his beefy hand on the Cardassian's stocking clad thigh. "Look Elmo, I know we haven't always got along but..."

"Save the small talk, O'Brien," Dukat belched, "Your quarters or mine?"

"And so I *really* need you to change this one line!" Ezri whined as she followed Ron Moore down the hall.

"But it's so cute," he said patronisingly, "Rick loved that line."

"It makes me sound like a teenager," she griped.

"It exudes...youthful enthusiasm," Ron countered.

"But I'm supposed to be a soldier!" she objected, "And why am I wearing a cheerleader outfit?"

"Because..." Ron searched for an answer.

"Yeah?" Ezri asked.

"Because Star Trek is a family values show and what could be more family oriented than a cheerleader?" Ron smiled reassuringly as they entered the set, "Think 'team', think 'joyous triumph', think...holy shit..."

In the midst of much grunting, spurting, slapping, and spanking, a naked Quark and an equally unclothed Neelix approached the two.

"Care to have a go, Ronnie baby?" Quark asked.

Ron's eyes rolled up into his head and he fell to the floor with a thud.

"That was easy," Neelix said looking down, "Which end do you want first?"

"Ah man!" Ezri cried, stomping her foot, "I never get invited to the good parties!"

-heh heh-

The End!

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