Dr. Sue's Sex Show

Author's note: This is the first time I have ever written fanfic, as well as the first time I've ever posted it, so please forgive me if I don't know all the rules. It contains some m/m situations (G/B slash) and some very clinical talk about sex and one or two bad words. I'm rating this R just in case.

Summary:
DS9, G/B Rated R
Dr. Sue's open com line show helps out with interspecial relationships.

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"Hello, this is Dr. Sue"

"ahmm...yes, ummm, I was wanting to ask about Klingon and Romulan liasons."a female voice began. It had the unmistakable curt lilt of a Romulan.

"Go ahead and ask."

"Is it true that Klingons have a tendency to uh, break kneecaps during, uh...during..."

"During fellatio?"

The doctor's question was met with muted, embrassed silence. She continued nonplussed, "Yes, as a matter of fact that is true, the problem arises when the Klingon orgasmic response is coupled with their highly aggressive natures. If your on your knees giving Kayless his due, I'm afraid you will be suffering the consquences when your Klingon lover grabs you by the shoulders and throws you knees first to the floor. "

"uh huh"

"The best way of combatting this, of course, is to perform the act of fellatio while your Klingon is in a more prone position, and since you are Romulan the odds of that happening are pretty slim..."

Dax and Major Kira stifled mutual snorts of laughter. Quark looked on, thoroughly disgusted. "I would have thought that you two would find better wasys of amusing yourselves."

Dax looked up at Quark questioningly. "Since when did you develop codes of conduct?"

"Really Quark, you have no right to say anything when we both know how you employ some of your Dabo girls."Kira replied sharply. "That is different,"Quark replied, "That is a private matter between two people. This..."he pointed to the small box emitting the radio show from their table, "This is a private matter paraded to the universe. It's a travesty of good taste."

"As you are the king of."Dax replied wryly, "Like those 'tasteful' wine glasses that looked mysteriously like the sex organs of a certain....."

"Never mind," Quark interrupted quickly. He grabbed their empty drinks from thier table. "That was, by the way, an innocent mistake."

"An innocent mistake that made every Bajoran on this station buy one."quipped Kira. Quark actually seemed to blush. "Like I said, it was an innocent mistake." he left thier table abrubtly. "Think he might be telling the truth?"Dax asked thoughtfully. "Maybe. And if he is that's even funnier."

"Dr. Sue. No problem too embarassing or too small. Especially when it comes to interspecial relations. Speaking of small, I know that a lot of calls have been coming here lately from human males with that ancient question does it matter if my penis is big or small? Once again, Dr. Sue's chart:

To a Klingon: yes

To a Bajoran: no

To a Vulcan: they don't even know you have one To a Romulan: they like them small

Ferengi: they don't know what it's for

Cardassians: it had better be bigger than theirs

Once again, I'm Dr. Sue. All sex, all the time, grossly demystified and paraded to the universe in the hopes of uniting us all in love, love,love. Till tommorrow same time same channel if somebody doesn't kill me first. Good night."

Dax and Kira erupted into huge gusts of laughter. Several of Quark's patrons eyed them strangely, among them Dr. Bashir and Garak who were having their accostumed weekly lunch.

"Now I wonder,"Garak said to Julian, "where all that mirth is coming from. Here we are, set in the middle of a rather nasty confrontation with the Dominion where the chances are very slight that any of us will even survive. I should have thought that laughter would have been long banished. Although, you, dear doctor, no doubt are of the assumption that 'laughter is the best medicine'?"Garak sighed, "It is no doubt that we are all feeling the strain, and I suppsoe outbursts of this nature will no longer be so uncommon. I wouldn't be suprised to find people suddenly sobbing in the halls as I walk to my shop. War is a greivous thing doctor, it takes us too close to mortality's brief embrace."

Julian raised his eyes to Garak's, his mouth chewing around a piece of asparagus. "They're laughing over the Sex Show."

Garak choked a little on his composure. "The.. what...show?"

"The Sex Show," Julian repeated, too loudly for Garak's taste, "It's on every day at this time. Dr. Sue Mcartney talks about interspecial sexual relationship problems to an open com line she's set up. It's actually pretty interesting, yesterday she brought up the subject of .... "She talks about..."he bent low to whisper, "se..."He couldn't even bring himself to say the word, "Interspecial relationships?"

"Yeah, sex."Julian noticed Garak flinch . "What's the big deal?"

"Begging your pardon doctor," Garak replied, "But it is hardly a topic that a quality Cardassian such as myself would stoop to discuss in the open air."

"You mean Cardassians don't talk about sex?"Julian smiled when Garak flinched this time. He was enjoying this.

"No. We don't talk about, such things."

Garak was looking increasingly more uncomfortable. "Figures,"Julian replied, his eyes sparkling with a mischeviousness Garak had never seen dance in them before, "It's the one subject I could go on about for hours."

Garak felt a strange feeling churn through his stomach. "Now what does he mean by that I wonder?"

"Anyway, it's been an interesting lunch, as always Garak. I have to be getting back to sick bay. One of my patient's needs an conception inhibitor so that they can have uninhibeted sex with thier partner..."

Garak flashed him an annoyed stare."You could have just said 'contra..."No, he couldn't even say that word.

"Oh, but Garak, I thought you hated it when I was blunt."Julian smiled and stood. He patted Garak gently on the the shoulder. "Cheer up. You know you should probably work on your own inhibitors--you ought to listen to the show once in a while. It might give you an advantage over some your old Obsidian Order friends."

Garak couldn't see how, since none of them were allowed to think of se...well, *that*, either.

Garak walked back to his shop, the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach still gnawing at him. Once in his shop he pulled out a pair of trousers to hem them only to find he had now done the job twice. Garak sighed, lunches with Julian were always too stimulating for their own good and he often found that he, a former high ranking officer in the Obsidian Order, couldn't concentrate on even hemming a pair of pants. What was it? The unexpected heat that seemed to radiate from the good doctor's body? The way the Starfleet uniform he wore made him look as sleek and perfectly balanced as the ancient Cardassian's god Tariel--the god of night?Certainly it wasn't Julian's naivite, that often tested Garak's nerves, that annoying, cloying innocence that came as a direct result of Starfleet training no doubt. Optimism, of all things...

And yet...there was something deeply disturbing about Julian, mystical even. This afternoon, when he had looked into the doctor's eyes, those huge human eyes the colour of Tariel's skin when poised to overtake the day--the colour of Cardassia when the sun slid beneath the horizon--he had to measure each breath he took carefully to refrain from unsightly panting.

"Dr. Sue. You've made the mess, I'll help you clean it up."

"This is Dr. Sue?"a male voice croaked into the com line, "I have a question. If a human male gets his head caught in his male Romulan lover's headboard and then hears the male Romulan's wife entering the front door...What can the human male expect?"

In the background Garak could hear what sounded like a man and a woman arguing in Romulan.

"I'd say,"Dr. Sue replied, "That you can expect both your head and the headboard to remain where they are for an un-naturally long period of time. Probably mounted on the wall."

The arguing in the background was getting louder. "Shit! I think she's coming in here! You've got to help me, I'm really stuck!"

"All right, all right"Dr. Sue continued, annoyed, "What does the headboard look like a flower or a claw?"

"Umm...a claw I think...."

"Ok, here's what you do, tilt your head sideways and manoever it to the upper corner crest, then try to slide your head out. Your ear is going to get caught..."

"ouch!"

"But you should be freed."

"Whew, that was close. Say, how did you know how to do that?' "I have a Romulan bed. Very comfortable. A former boyfriend of mine had the same thing happen."

"Oooh, really..."

"Yeah, he got stuck reaching for the TV guide."The Romulan voices sounded as if they were in the room, "Hey, you better get back in the closet."

"Yeah, right, thanks!"and he hung up.

Garak wasn't sure about this, to say the least. Dr. Sue was brash, crude and by far the most unlikeable creature he had ever been witness to. But at least her advice worked. He dialled up her com line, being very careful to scramble his own signal so he couldn't be traced.

His call was answered by the third hail.

"This is Dr. Sue and you've got problems."

What was she, Beta-Zoid? Garak stared into space trying to articulate the words properly in his mind.

"Hellooo...Anybody home?"Dr. Sue responded, "You'd better hang up before I use my dog whistle..."

"I..I.."Garak began.

"So, there is someone there. What's you're problem?"

Garak cleared his throat, "Let me begin by saying that while I find your show unbearably impolite--to say the least--I am afraid that it is the only place to where I can direct my inquiries without injury by a mass of political..."

"Ok, Obsidian Order. I hear you. I understand you probably have a big time problem. But if you want me to solve it today, you're going to have to be as impolite as me and cut down on all the 'conversation' bullshit, alright?"

A stunned silence was Garak's reply. How did she know he had been in the Obisdian Order? Was she an agent herself, keeping him under surveillance? "I've had over five hundred calls from Cardassians,"she explained without his asking, "All of them begin their sex questions with a political speech. Not suprising since none of them ever talk about sex, do they?"

"No."Garak answered simply.

"Well, we are going to talk about it because this is what my show is all about. Sex. Sex. Sex."

Silence

"You still there Obsidian?"she had a laugh around her voice. "Yes."

"Sex. Sex. Sex., repeat it after me Se..."

"X"

"Now put the word together."

Garak let the word out in the tiniest of squeaks, "Sex."

Certainly that voice did sound familiar, but whose was it? "Computer, increase volume."Major Kira ordered. The smooth, lilting voice of the Cardassian echoed more prominently a4round her quarters. "I'm having a problem," he continued, "deciphering a certains person's...motives."

"And this person is..."Dr. Sue opened. "Theis person is human. Male."

"Well, what makes hyou think he has 'certain motives'?"

The Cardassian cleared his throat. "we dine togewther frequently. For all intents and purposes we have a close friendship. He has helped me through some--difficulties--in the past. "A sigh suddenley escaped the Cardassian, "We have the most stimulating conversations..."

"I'll bet."Dr. Sue countered.

"No, no" the Cardassian protested, "nothing like that. He doesn't feel

*that*way."He paused. "I'm fairly sure."he continued. "At least I think...Maybe. No. Definately not. But then the way...I don't know...Could he? Is that actually possible? Although, I have never seen him with anyone other than those of the female persuasion, so you see I am a little confused...."

Major Kira eyed the com link with incredulation. She'd never heard a Cardassian stutter over his thoughts like that before, especially one that Dr. Sue had astutely observed was in the Obsidian Order. "Ok, Obsidian,"Dr. Sue's voice interuppted, "We're going to go through a little interrogation that just might clear up a few things. I will need your full co-operation."

"My co-operation, my dear, is assured."

"First question...."

"Though I must say..."the Cardassian interrupted, "Your use of the word 'interrogation' to make me feel more at ease has actually had the opposite effect. If you wish to continue to converse with Cardassians in the future, you may wish to avoid that particular turn of phrase. Since the Obsidian Order is a powerful, ominous force it tends to make those of the general populace uneasy and I believe my people would find the usage disturbing rather than amusing. "

"Fine."Dr. Sue replied sounding annoyed, "First question..."

"And perhaps the brashness of your tone could be a little, 'toned down'? If you were not quite so bold in your approach I can see this show having an enormous amount of appeal throughout the quadrant..."

"First Fucking Question..."Dr. Sue interrupted loudly. Kira stifled a snort of laughter. Dr. Sue's voice sighed deeply, "this is probably going to take a century folks, bear with me please, or better yet come back in three hours because that's when he just might decide to let me ask the, I repeat, First Fucking Question."

"Computer,"Kira choked out between chuckles, "Hail Lieutenant Dax."

"Dax here."

"Are you listening to the show?"

"No, I'll put it on. What is this something good?"

"Just listen."

"There is no need for profanity."the Cardassian replied curtly. "Is your 'friend' always on time when you dine together?"Dr. Sue finally managed to wrangle it in.

"No, but he is very busy and has a genuine excuse. He has a career of some esteem and ambitions, of course, therefore I am not perturbed when he cannot dine with me although I do feel certain elements of intense disappointment..."

"A simple 'no' would have sufficed..."Dr. Sue replied, sounding more and more exasperated. "You know, I am seriously thinking of getting a collective agreement to ban Cardassians from getting thesaurases."

"I.."

"Don't even think about interrupting me. So what your saying is he tries to get out of dinner engagements?"

"Am I a permitted to reply?"the Cardassian asked with mock sweetness, "Or are you going to insult me again when I answer you? A simple yes or no is hardly sufficient to get across exactly the layers of attachment that this person and I have. Beneath its seeming simplicity there are maps so complicated even you would not know where to begin..."

"Fine, then get a cartographer. I'm hanging you up."

"No!No!"the Cardassian protested, "You're the only one I know who can help me."the Cardassian swallowed hard, "He usually makes up the dinners he misses the following day."

"So what you're saying is he's making time for you out of his busy schedule?"Dr. Sue's voice was weighted expectantly. The Cardassian was clearly thinking about this.

"Yes, I suppose he is."

"Good. I asked you one question. You answered. That's how this thing works. I'd like to ask you another question, and maybe another. All you have to do is say 'yes' or 'no', and if you stray from that formula I am going to cut you off and you are never going to know if what I had to say may have made your life any better. Are we agreed?"

"(Ahem)Yes."

"Good boy." Kira could practically touch the anger from the Cardassian at that quip. Dr. Sue began:

"Second question, has he had any romatic attachments since he's made your acquaintance?"

"Yes."

"Is he seeing anyone now?"

"No."

"Do his attachments with these women (I'm assuming women)last very long?"

"No."

Kira could sense that this simple question and answer exercise was a strain on the Cardassian. The air was thick with invisible paragraphs.

"Does he see any of them for lunch on a regular basis?"

"He barely interacts with her at all."

"I've got my finger on 'disconnect'."

"No, don't!"the Cardassian pleaded. Dr. Sue chuckled, "Fine, fine. I'll just torture you with one more question--sorry, didn't mean to upset you with the 't' word, I'm sure. When your friend talks to you is his gaze full of uncomfortable scrutiny?"

The Cardassian took sharp intake of breath. "Hey Kira, I think she's picked a bone out of the closet,"Dax's voice said. "When he gazes at me...."the Cardassian sighed, for once trying desperately to find words, "When our eyes lock together. I'm lost. It doesn't matter that I'm Cardassian, that he's human. He just has to glance at me at just the right angle and my soul feels pulled out of my body. All of my pride and my breeding, those beautiful eyes melt me into nothing. All he has to do is say "I want you to do 'this' or I want you to do 'that', and without a moment's hesitation I would do it just to please him..."he trailed off. How true that was, Garak thought, spurised at himself. He joined in on the holosuite program Julian had created, that ridiculous spy saga, he read all of that silly human literature Julian gave him. All just to please.

"Jeez."muttered Dax over Kira's com line, "It could almost break your heart."

"Shut up, shut up, she's coming back on again."Kira hissed impatiently.

"Even if you don't know how *he* feels, it's pretty clear you know how *you*

feel. Are you afraid of telling him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Cardassian remained silent. Both Kira and Dax waited with their breath held for his answer. His intake of breath was shaking audibly. When he did answer it was a whisper that the two officers and Dr. Sue had to strain to hear.

"I'm afraid of no longer having a...dining companion."

Silence.

It was broken, at length, by Dr. Sue's voice, and it was with suprise that instead of the harsh, blunt voice Kira was used to, it had softened somewhat as she recited, of all things, a poem. And clearly one she knew by heart:

'Some men break your heart in two,

Some men fawn and flatter,

Some men never look at you;

And that cleans up the matter.'

"You know, Obsidian, "Dr. Sue continued gently, "there's a lot of things about humans that you definately don't know, and clearly this is hurting you. If he's not interested in you, he'll let you know immediately--not like your Cardassian peers who tend to draw these things out as a method of power and control. If it makes you feel any better, he no doubt already knows that you have 'leanings'. And if you reveal to him how you feel he'll no doubt be shocked at the revelation, you understand?"

Silence.

"He will be shocked and at the same time he will also be flattered. Still another section of him will be curious 'what would sex with a Cardassian be like?'Another part might even justify 'He is alien, after all, so does it really count as a bisexual experience? Aren't all humans bisexual anyway when we get down to genetic basics?'and after many more layers of doubt, hope and otherwise conflicting results there is yet another layer that is openly thinking 'I really like vanilla ice-cream'"

"She's lost me here."Dax's voice said to Kira. Kira was shaking her head and frowning "Ice cream?"

"Obsidian,"Dr. Sue continued, her voice returning to its usual banter, "you have a lot to learn about the human mind. It bounces from one subject to another quicker than a nanosecond. The only subject that alway stays rooted however, is the subject of sex. Did you know that the average human male thinks of sex every ten minutes? And you thought he was riveted by your take on human politics the * entire* time. Your companion comes from a species that has been known, albeit on very rare occasions, to fuck farm animals. And you're worried that *he* would be disgusted by *you*?"

There was a collective agreement of shock on all three listeners. Dr. Sue continued, utterly nonplussed, "Invite him for dinner. Discuss your concerns. Make it clear that you'll accept a decline in any offers and if the mood doesn't strike him you can still easily 'just be friends'..A crude phrase for your delicate Cardassian ears, no doubt, but there you are. Obsidian? You still there?"

A deep, fractured sigh eased its way through the com link. "Good luck, Obsidian." Dr. Sue said quietly, "As always, this is Dr. Sue. I'm always here, mending and ripping hearts. Goodnight."

Lunch with Julian had suddenly taken a turn for the worse. The doctor was clearly declining a dinner invitation.

"I'd love to Garak, really,"Julian began, "but the fact is I've been running behind in my reports lately. The recent bout of Romulan flu we've been experiencing has been putting a lot of my staff out of commission and I've been forced to practically run the infirmary all by myself."

"Of course, dear doctor,"Garak replied, forcing himself to be cheerful, "I fully understand."

Julian gazed upon the tailor. This lie was Garak's most transparent yet. It was obvious in the crestfallen look in Garak's eyes when Julian met his invitation with a refusal that Garak had planned something very important for him. Possibly something that had nothing to do with dinner at all. What could it be that Garak wants to discuss with me? Julian wondered, Information concerning the Dominion? Cardassian intrigue? For once, Garak was sitting across from Julian strangely quiet. Perhaps it was something more...personal.

"Tell you what,"Julian posed, "Perhaps I could come round later in the evening. Maybe for dessert?"

Julian for dessert, now there's a thought, Garak considered. He felt a slight blush heat his neck ridges.

"Perfect."he replied brightly, "I'll see you later."

Dax and Kira eyed Garak suspiciously as he left Julian's table. Kira shook her head. "It's just not possible."she replied to Dax. "On the contrary,"Dax interjected, "It's very much possible. You heard that com show, that Cardassian was in love with a human male whom he had lunch with on a regular basis. Who else in this entire universe does that describe?"

"I just thought the voice sounded a little familiar,"Kira said,irritation grating her voice, "I didn't say I thought it was Garak's voice. Besides, he's a former officer of the Obsidian Order, clearly he would have enough sense not to call into an open com line and pour out his heart in front of millions of potential listeners."

"Love makes you do stupid things Kira,"Dax replied. Kira narrowed her eyes at Dr. Bashir who was scrutinizing his PADD. He lifted his head and caught her eye and gave her a friendly wave. "Let's ask him his plans for tonight."she said to Dax, motioning to follow her to Julian's table.

"Julian,"Dax began, keeping her voice cheerful, "what are you doing this evening?"

He let out a tired sigh. "I'm filling out report after report. The next time we have a trade meeting with the Romulans please remind me to make a request for some flu vaccines."He put the PADD down on his table, "Why?"

Dax turned to Kira for an excuse, "Uh...Well...We were thinking you might want to join us for a holosuite program."

"Which one?"Julian asked.

"Uh...Uh..."Kira was at a loss and Dax rescued her, "A soccer program."

Julian frowned ."I didn't know you like soccer."

"Well, I've been thinking about taking it up as a hobby."she replied, "Very relaxing."

"Oh." Julian replied, looking a little confused. He shrugged and stood up, grabbing the PADD off of the table, "I'm afraid I have to say I can't, I really do have too much work to do."

Kira breathed a sigh of relief.

"Besides, I've also promised Garak that I'd come around his quarters later for a visit."

Kira choked a little. Dax took up the slack: "A visit?"

"Yes, he had invited me over for dinner, but because of this..."he tapped the PADD, "I wasn't able to make it. He seemed disappointed so I told him I'd see him later in the evening. Major, are you alright?"

"I..."she stammered.

"I think she might be getting a little of that Romulan flu."Dax replied.

Dr. Bashir had a splitting headache. He rubbed at his temples with his fingertips but the pain wouldn't ease up. He walked to the replicator wincing a little. "Coffee."he said to it numbly, "black."

He took a sip of the hot brew and glanced again at the various PADDS on his console. This was clearly too much work for one mere man. He decided to take a break and visit Garak.

It wasn't until he'd rang Garak's quarters that he realized what time it was. Guiltily he eyed his watch--24:00hrs., he'd shown up on Garak's doorstep at midnight. "Enter"a groggy voice replied, and Julian stole his way into the Cardassian's quarters. "Garak, I'm so sorry about the hour, I didn't realize it was so late..."he trailed off. Garak was wearing a dark royal blue robe that looked to be made of shimmering velvet. The garment itself was innocuous enough, but what it did to Garak's eyes! The way that velvet darkness of blue contrasted with his ice blue eyes...Eyes still sultry with the effects of sleep...

"I'd given up on you."Garak explained, his voice languid. He yawned distractedly, and waved his hand at the couch to bid Julian to take a seat. Julian sat and looked up at his friend who shrugged his shoulders and stretched his neck in an unbearably feline manner. Garak closed his eyes absently and opened them again with slow deliberation. "Care for some Kanar?"he offered. His voice was as relaxed as a purr. "Yeah."Julian replied absently. He watched the tailor walk to a small buffet table set against the far wall. Every movement Garak made, even as he innocently poured two small glasses of Kanar, seemed to Julian to be imbibed with the erotic. "Erotic?"Julian thought to himself as Garak sat beside him, "Since when did I start thinking of Garak like *that*?"

"You know Garak, I don't think I've ever seen you so...relaxed."Julian ventured to say. Garak smiled wanly and leaned heavier against the couch. The velvet sleeve of his bathrobe brushed Julian's arm and the good doctor wondered absently if he was wearing anything underneath. Suprisingly, the thought caused a great deal of commotion to his 'nether-regions'. But all Garak was thinking was "Great. He just has to come here when I'm looking my worst."Hours ago he had been dressed in his best suit, had made sure no hair was out of place and that his neck ridges were sufficiently covered so as not to reveal too much about how he was feeling in the doctor's company, so as to not ellicit any unwelcome embarassment. As the evening progressed, and it seemed to be clear that Julian was not coming for dessert after all, Garak sadly ate both helpings of Bolian cheescake and an entire box of Belgian chocolates. He undressed, threw on the robe he'd had since before he'd joined the Order and fell into bed in a depressed stupor. Thanks to the chocolate, he'd fallen asleep almost immediately. He'd been dreaming that his shop's walls were in fact millions of chocolate mint wafers when Julian had rung his quarters.

"So,"Garak said to Julian over his glass of Kanar, "how is the backlog of work going?"

"Fine."Julian answered. He was looking at him in the most peculiar manner, did he really appear that dishevelled?

"Please, forgive my appearance,"Garak said as way of apology, "As I said before, I had quite given up on the hope that you would come around."

"It's an interesting robe,"Julian said quietly. It looked so soft. Julian raised his Kanar-free hand and lightly stroked the fabric on Garak's shoulder.

Suddenly, Garak let out a loud yelp and Julian accidently dropped his drink in Garak's lap. "Garak, I'm so sorry, I..let me help you clean this up..."

"No, doctor, really,"

They both pressed into one another when reaching for the dropped glass. Julian's eyes found Garak's. Garak's mouth was saying something, but Julian couldn't decipher the words. "Dear God,"was all Julian could register in his own mind, "I think I'm going to..."

And with a swift movement he clasped his lips onto Garak's.

"Dr. Sue here. I am both infinate and wise. What's your worry?"

A breathless human male's voice came on the air. "I think I'm about to have sex with a Cardassian male. What do I do?"

"Ahh,"Dr. Sue sighed, "This is what my research is *really* for. So, just how many bases have you loaded?"

Julian looked nervously in the direction of Garak's bedroom. He'd left the Cardassian panting heavily on the bed and was a little worried about how Garak would handle coital stress. His caresses to the tailor's neck sent him into paroxyms of loud screaming. "I think I've gotten to second."Julian replied, "And you're going to have to speak up I can't hear you very well."

"Hmmm, yes, Cardassians can be *very* vocal."a small 'blip' on the line interrupted them, "Hold on, I just have to take this call." the line went quiet on Julian's end.

"Dr. Sue here. Glad you came."

"It's me."a conspirital voice answered. "Obsidian! How did everything go?"

"Fabulously. Perhaps a little too fabulously, because now we're about to....and I don't know exactly what I should be doing..."

"He'll tell you the finer points,"Dr. Sue assured him, "compared to Cardassians human genitalia is remarkably simple."she cleared her throat, "Such as, that small cavity midway on his abdomen that you've seen..."

"Yes?"

"It's called a navel and it's not what you think it is."

"Oh."the Cardassian replied.

There was another 'blip' on her line. "Hold the line, I've got to get back to another caller."Garak's line was now quiet. He hoped it wouldn't take long, Julian was due back from the washroom at any minute... "This the human?"Dr. Sue asked.

"Yes, it's me. Can you answer me a little faster, he's going to be wondering what I'm doing..."

"Alright, here goes. All those ridges are very sensitive, around the neck, around his sex--by the way you have to unfold the ridges between his legs to get to his glans...You'd better get some ear plugs to stick in your ears...and then you GENTLY pull it out. What you do with that is your business and what he does with yours is his. One word of caution...that little circle on his mid torso, looks like a little silver dollar?"

"Uh huh. What about it?"

"Don't put your manhood near it."she replied. Julian frowned in confusion. "Why?"

"Since this is a first date, and Cardassians are highly fertile, you don't want any unexpected complications."

Julian nearly fainted. "You mean he could get..."his voice trailed off. "I blame polyurethane. "Dr. Sue replied. Yet another 'blip' interrupted her line. She was having a busy night, "Hold on, I've got another call."

Julian's line went quiet.

"Julian?"an anxious voice from the bedroom called.

"This is Dr. Sue, hope you're problem's not too small."

A gruff male voice echoed through doubly through the new caller's quarters. "I'm having problems concerning...feelings...for a certain..woman."he began, "I am very much attracted to her."

"And you don't know if she's attracted to you?"

The gruff voice snorted. "I doubt it. Our physical bodies are highly...incompatible..."

"Oh, that reminds me. Hold the line please."Ok, Obsidian. Sorry to keep you waiting, how are things going?"

The new caller's quarters was suddenly filled with the sounds of two very familiar voices, the Cardassian one in particular was screaming "Julian!Julian!" in increasingly frantic and louder gasps. "Well,"Dr. Sue returned, "I guess that problem is solved. Now how about you?"

"It can wait."Odo replied tonelessly, "Computer, disconnect com link."

END